Well, okay, that covers a lot of ground. In fact, if interpreted broadly, be said to include absolutely everything in the universe except that tiny percentage of it that I actually do talk about in this space.
So let’s be specific : I want to talk about anger. Mine, specifically.
Actually, there are few things I want to talk about less but I am going to talk about in anyway because, as my therapist pointed out, I am not going to make much forward progress until I learn to vent that shit somewhere, somehow, sometimes.
So let’s start with a confession : I am a very angry person.
Boy did that feel weird to type.
But it’s true. I have enormous amounts of sheer rage backed up inside me and wrecking shit like a dog that can’t be left alone or it tries to eat the couch.
And I hate my rage. Which you have to admit is fucked up on a truly epic scale.
I hate it because I don’t want to have to deal with it and it’s ugly and viscious and does not fit with my self image at all.
Clearly, my self image needs to be updated to include all that anger, but for the life of me, I still can’t see how that is possible.
I don’t want to be an angry guy. I want to be a cool guy who is funny and witty and fun to be around. I want to be the kind of person people look forward to seeing. I want to be as awesome as I know how to be.
Anger just doesn’t fit into that picture.
So I feel like in order to truly integrate all that anger, I have to invent an entirely new vision of who I am. One that somehow combines all my charms with the possibility of anger on both a personal and a transpersonal level.
Transpersonal things are always way easier for me. Well, they do say that the Achilles heel of every INTJ is interpersonal relationships.
I have friends, he declares somewhat defensively.
Anyhow, back to anger. Integration into my self image is definitely the long term goal,. but in the more immediate sense, the trick is to somehow stick-handle the anger past all my issues and my shame in order to get the damn stuff out of my head and (presumably) onto the page.
Yes, that means this process will include you, dear readers.
Hey, if I could express my emotions in a normal way, I wouldn’t be a writer.
And I am beginning to see the outline of how I am going to vent as much as I can onto these pristine pages of mine. It’s a matter of thinking about the things that I am the most angry about and working myself into a ranty state of mind then letting rip on the page.
Hopefully, I will be able to release some of the negative energy that has been making me anxious and unstable for so long and be done with the stuff.
I don’t quite feel up to doing it right now.
But I will do it soon, trust me.
In fact, I am kind of looking forward to it.
END PART 1!
THE BRILLIANT PLAN : Play Slay the Spire under 11 pm and then do part 2 of my blogging for the day.
THE FATAL FLAW : My getting super damned sleepy.
THE FORGOTTTEN DETAIL : I barely slept at all last night.
THE NECESSARY ADJUSTMENT : Starting ten minuites early.
THE FERVENT HOPE : That I finish before I fall asllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Just kjdding folks.
But I really am running on next to no sleep. I had one of my attacks of sudden awakeness this morning. And it was a bad one. One moment I was at the rosy gates for the Land of Nod, the next I was so wound up it made my teeth hurt.
So after trying to fight it for a while, I got up and did stuff.
It’s happened before. It’s like whatever force normally restrains all my energies and suppresses all my ambitions and desires suddenly fails and a whole lot of frustrated energies suddenl flood my bloodstream and I have to get up.
And every time it happens, I tell myself the same thing : sooner or later, you are going to have to pay for this.
I guess that time is now.
Oh well, thus endeth my experiment in not taking my sleepy piil so that I won’t be fighting through the fog of sleepiness in therapy.
I mean, mission accomplished, I was alert and engaged during therapy,. but the idea was that I would sleep, just not in a medicated way.
Nerp. The main withdrawal symptom of not taking my Quetiapine was a total inability to sleep. Lesson learned.
The experimental result : Probably not worth it.
Of course, I could also go to bed earlier, and thereby leave enouigh time for me to full wake up before therapy.
But that ain’t gonna happen. I am a night owl. A day sleeper I go to sleep when the sun comes up and sleep the day away.
I am a shadow stalker. A creature of the night, who only feels at home in the world of ghosts and shadows and nameless mysteries.
But mostly I’m just a depressive fat dude with more brains and talent than he knows what to do with or has to strength and courage to use.
Somewhere, a monkey eyes the controls of the machine that he built and is now too terrified of to us, trying to work up the nerve to turn it on again.
Damn I am good at imagistic writing.
Felt pretty good today. Dunno if it was because I was hypo-manic or because I got some stuff off my chest during therapy.
Probably a bit of both.
Now my problem is that I want to take a nap but I also want to be up in less than an hour to watch stuff with Joe and Julian.
I will probably just doze for a bit.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.