The words are : bleh, urgh, and gaaah.
Bad sleep, feel squished flat, dizzy, disoriented, and so on. The usual.
Makes the words difficult to come up with. But I have to get at least half the words down before I can go back to sleep.;
Plus I’ve got to eat my lunch., Woke up with a very full bladder and a very empty stomach, and I am not going to be able to sleep till I fix both conditions.
And I already emptied my bladder. Took forever. Aging sucks.
Come on, Diet Coke, work your caffinated miracle of rebirth on me!
I’ve never been abkle to fully rely on caffiene. Sometimes it helps me wake up and sometimes it doesn’t do a thing for me and sometimes it only makes things worse.
Diet Coke is awful tasty, though. So I stick with it.
God, I feel awful. I wonder if this is what a hangover feels like? I’ve never had one. As superpowers go, it’s pretty minor.
“Oh no. the Avengers partied too hearty last night and they are all too hung over to fight Thanos and his minions!”
“I’m not!” I say in my best impressive Gary Cole voice.
“Great, what superpowers do you have?
“Um…. that was it. I don’t get hangovers. ”
“And you’re an Avenger? That’s pathetic. ”
“True. And yet, I am also getting my own Netflix series plus a whole trilogy of movies starring the ghost of Dom Deluise. ”
I hope he plays me sympathetically.
But remember, you can’t spell sympathetic without pathetic!
I eye my long dormant CPAP machine, and ponder my limitations as a patient. or as a sick person, depending on how you lookj at it.
I can get some things done, like taking pills and keeping sugar out of my diet, but I don’t test my blood sugars, I don’t take my insulin, and I don’t cut down on my carbs.
I just limp gamely through the days, trudging fatalistically towards my early grave with all the mindless persistence of gravity.
I know that I don’t take care of myself like I shoud. Like it’s not even close. The best thing I can say is that I do the best that I can and that I am grateful for all the bad habits I don’t have, like drinking or smoking or eating high cholesterol foods.
That’s a pretty sad list of health virtues. The equivalent of having it be that your best asset as marriage material is that you are STD free.
80 words to go before I can rest. Hang in there, Bertrand, you can do it!
Tonight, Le Gang and I will be going to Denny’s for dinner, like we always do on non-FRED Sundays. Dunno why people look down on Denny’s. It has to be pure snobbery. People wnating to reassure themselves and others that they are “too good” for Denny’s.
Fine by me. Stay away in droves, it will make the place quieter for we who are not unincumbered by irrational prejudices.
That’s 500ish. Time to nap!
It’s 5 pm, I’m back, and I’m feeling practically human.
There’s still some stubborn fog clinging to my brain and my veins but I have had a good couple of naps (it’s complicated) and now I feel downright sentient.
What a difference an afternoon makes.
I am truly getting sick of feeling like shit for three or four hours a day, though. Like I have been saying lately, that was the whole reason I stopped taking the sleeping pills in the first place.
Well, the first time was because I ran out. But then I noticed that I still got some pretty good sleep so I said, “Fuck the pills, I can do without!”.
But I can’t. Not really.
I guess the real question is whether I am better off now than when I was skipping them.
Scientifically speaking, it’s hard to see how I could not be. I am sleeping for longer stretches and getting deeper into the all important stage 4 sleep, where all the truly important stuff in renewing both body and brain takes place.
I suspect it’s also the stage which resets your stress level to zero, which is, ya know, kind of important.
On the other hand, I think the reason that pill induced sleep messes me up so bad is because it’s so apnic. My sleep apnea is acutely worse when the pill is keeping me asleep, and so at the same time that I am getting deeper sleep, I am also getting smothered by my apnea.
So my choices are :
a) sleep badly and suffer from insufficient REM activity and have that weird shininess in my head grow and grow, displacing more and more of my conscious mind till I feel like the internal pressure is going to make my mind pop like a popcorn kernel and then I will go truly insane, or…
b) sleep deeply and get my REMs, but also get insufficient oxygen, which no doubt does widespread systemic damage to my entire body, just like my diabetes.
They could be twins.
I think the solution is that I need a better sleeping pill. Maybe there is one that doesn’t put me down quite so deep. I still have the mirtazapine Doctor Costin prescribed for me as a possible alternative to the questiapine, so maybe I will try that.
Though according to the WIkipedia article, mirtazapine is an antidepressant, not a sleeping aid, so I am not sure WTF Doctor Costin was thinking.
Then again, quetiapine isn’t a sleep aid either. It’s an atypical antipsychotic. So clearly my therapist does not seem to be fond of the listed functions of drugs.
Holy crap, trazadone isn’t listed as a sleep aid either. It is also listed an an antidepressant. Something weird is going on here.
Maybe drug companies are reluctant to list their drugs as indicated for multiple indications, and so they only list what would be considered the drug’s primary action and it’s up to the doctor’s grapevine to spread the other uses.
I don’t know. But I do know that I am gonna ask about it next session.
Meanwhile, I will try the mirtazapine and see if I like it’s terrible side effects any better.
I will keep you posted.
And I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.