Got a lot of bad stuff to exorcize from myself tonight.

Because I am really fucking sick of my stupid fucking life. I want to finally go out into the world and start living instead of merely surviving in my stupid little hole.

I hate this room, I hate this computer, I hate the filth I live in because I am too emotionally crippled to clean, I hate the fact that I turn 46 tomorrow and emotionally I am not even a teenager yet, I hate my low station in life where here I am, brain the size of a planet, and all I can do is barely survive two rungs up from the bottom of the ladder 9nelow me are welfare and homelessness), I hate that I have so many health problems, many of them undiagnosed, that it’s a wonder that I don’t just keel over and die, I hate that I am so unhealthy because my mental illness keeps me from looking after myself, I hate that I have next to no power, say, influence, or impact on the world, I hate that my life consists mostly of playing video games in order to escape the agony of my existence, I hate that my existance is agony, I hate that I can so clearly feel and see all the good2 I could do in the world 9both for others and for myself) if only I could slip depression’s leash and run free and get the piece of paper people demand before they let me show them all my magical abilities, I hate that I see nothing but a slow and stupid slide into to a pathetic and meaningless grave in my future, I hate that what dreams I have had have died like dinosaurs in the LaBrea tar pits of my mind, I hate that I am pathetically and cringingly dependent on others for even this pale existance, I hate that despite all this ability, I can’t seem to make myself put my work in front of others who might be able to help me, I hate that I am so weak and lame and pathetic that all the magical powers in the world can’t motivate me enough to overcome my roadblocks, I hate that I have all this latent rage that makes me want to smash everything around me with a SLEDGEHAMMER and destroy everything I can get my hands on out of sheer mindless animal aggression, I hate that fatuous fucking idiot I see in the mirror every time I take a piss, and most of all, I hate that I hate myself so fucking much!

And I hate how huge and unweildly that paragraph is, plus I hate that I am too pissed off and emotional to fix it.

I am just plain sick to death of my life, my place in the world (or lack thereof), sick of having less than zero dignity, sick of being this ludicrous excuse for a human being, sick of being sick all the goddamned time, sick of always being on the outside looking in at the warm, live, strong, normal people who have no idea how good they have it because they can’t even imagine being like me, sick of freezing in the dark, sick of my own mental masturbation that never really gets me anywhere, sick of constantly victimizing myself out of both lack of knowing how to stop and fear of where all that anger will go if I do, sick of having nothing I can truly call my own, sick of feeling like I am never doing what I am supposed to be doing (oh yeah, that’s back), sick of feeling like a massive failure at life, sick of being stuck being me, and sick of wishing a dozen times a day that I could just start over wuith what I know now.

I promise I will do a much better job of it this time!

Sometimes, I feel so lost and confused that I want to cry out for my mommy, but she’s thousands of miles away and can’t help me anyhow.

She couldn’t help me even when I was the right age for crying out for your mother. Once she went back to work, it was just easier to concentrate on the three children she actually wanted, and leave me to largely fend for myself and do my best not to remind people that I existed, let alone had actual needs.

Needs are for people who are worth something.

I was to be grateful they let me stay.

I hate that I have all this damage that I can feel quite keenly but cannot heal. Or at least, that heals so slowly that I won’t actually recover till I’ve been dead for five weeks.

I hate that said damage means I am stuck reprocessing the childhood I hated over and over again in order to extract the tiny drops of recovery I get with each pas.

I hate that just to cope with all my fucked up circuitry, I have to keep myself in a numbed stupor which lets the time slide with a frictionlessness that is positively nauseating.

How did May go by so fast? Depression, that’s how.

I hate that I know these chains that bind me are of my own devising and that they will only break when I no longer need them, and yet that does not free me at all.

I hate that I can feel just how wrong I have turned out. I feel the difference between me and others like a tongue probing the cavity where a tooth once lay, and it makes me feel like I am not even a real human being and a member of the human race.

I am just a ghost of a thought of a memory of an idea, no more substantial than the shadow of smoke, and one of these days I will simply melt away.

In short, I hate absolutely everything about my stupid fucking life except my friends..

Other than that, it can all go to hell.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.