I’m still pretty fucking depressed.

My life still sucks. That feeling of being too large an animal in too small a cage grows daily. I feel pissed off about everything in my life because it alllllll SUCKS.

Except, as stated before, my friends. They rock.

But everything else sucks.

It’s just not enough, you know? This content free life of mine where nothing I do has any meaning or lasting impact. Where the best thing I can say at the end of the day is “I guess that wasn’t all that bad. ‘

I need more. I need more than mere survival. I want to earn money and be productive and live a real, functional. purpose driven life instead of doing my best to make the time pass by as painlessly as possible.

And so I burn with rage. And you know what? It feels good to burn. The pain is there but it means nothing to me. It feels good to burn with anger deep in my soul because like a raging forest fire, it cleanses as it destroys, and despite my pain, I actually feel cleaner inside than I have for a very long time.

All those useless and pathetic emotions I suppress really start to stink up the place after a while. This fire destroys all that latent bullshit.

Or at least, takes out a lot of it.

In fact, right now, what I am worried about is that I can feel myself running out of dry tinder to burn. I want to keep the purge going, but I am running out of material.

SO basically, I have the dry heaves of the soul.

So what I want the most now is to make sure I remember.

Remember that to burn feels good and clears me out and makes for a healthier me. Remember, so that long after the embers have died down to a dull red and I have, alas, returned to my former torpor, I at least have some idea of how to get things going again, or if not, at least how to make myself feel better for a while.

But I hope that won’t be necessary. I am holding on to my glorious flame this time and keeping it pressed to my flesh so that it may continue to burn all that is impure from me.

I don’t give a fuck about the pain. When you have been as numb as I have been for as long as I have been, and have spent so much time in the cold and the dark, even the pain of searing flesh feels good because at least I am finally feeling something.

The pins and needles pain as a limn that has fallen asleep wakes up comes to mind. Sure, it’s technically an unpleasant feeling, but it feels way way better than the very disturbing numbness and feeling of wrongness that preceded it.

Ergo, I want to burn as hard, hot, and long as I possibly can. That involves both ignoring the pain (which is meaningless anyhow) and suppressing my own internalized (and vastly overdeveloped) fire suppression systems.

Normally, said systems pounce on the slightest spark and drown it in waters icier than the North Atlantic in winter at the slightest provocation.

But part of the lesson of this period in my life is that I have to turn that shit way the fuck down if I hope to remain amongst the living. Numbness, as soothing as it can be, is the enemy because it’s that numbness that cuts me off from all that is good in the world and leaves me in the cold and the dark all the time.

And all to keep my anxiety at bay. Well there are things far worse than freaking out from time to time. Things that are actually worse than a panic attack. Worse, even, that those horrible times when I have had a panic attack in a public place and felt like everyone there hated me and wanted me to crawl off and die somewhere so that nobody would have to endure me ever again.

Those were bad. Very, very bad. And it’s been a long time since that has happened. And I am grateful for that.

But some prices are far, far too high to pay for peace. And some kind of peace cost far, far too much to be justified.

So fuck peace. I would rather spend my days wracked by torment like Nietzsche if that is what it takes to stay alive and aware and activated.

And here is the ultimate : I will keep this fire lit even if I have to go search for victims to vent my rage upon to do it.

It will still be on my own terms, of course. I am not abandoning my ethics entirely. I am just opening the door to actually venting on people who deserve it.

It’s like being an ethical vampire. I must feed. But I will only feed on those who deserve such a fate.

And they are out there, just waiting for me to emerge from the shadows and destroy them with my dark and dreadful powers.

Well, not them. But their vile opinions, anyhow. We live in “interesting times” and the world could use a guy like me to absolutely destroy all the lies and delusions that support and shelter the ignorant and repugnant amoral monsters who are hell bent on destroying the world for their own personal (and transitory) gain.

I long to add my voice and through it the fearsome force of my unique and powerful mind to the world’s current state of debate.

I see the people fighting the good fight against the forces of evil and cry out to not just join them but to arm them with the kinds of weapons only I can create.

All I need is a platform for my views that will get them the attention and reach they deserve, and I will rewrite the world with my words.

But where would I find such a platform?

How can I get my words to those who need them the most/

What could possibly make my voice heard amongst the billions already speaking.

I really don’t know.

But it’s something worth thinking about, isn’t it/

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.