Cool title, huh? Very literary.

It came to me when I was thinking about the vast cold mass of frozen and congealed emotion I have to move in order to get anything done in this misbegotten head of mine.

The whole business is a big drain on my personal resources.; It’s like having to dig your driveway out of the snow just to walk across the room. Or like I have hundreds of gallons of cold, sludgy water tied around my waist that nobody can see.

And while I was thinking about that and trying in vain to imagine what it would take to warm all that stufff up so it could thaw and be released, that phrase, “to teach a stone to burn”, popped into my head.

And I instantly knew what the subject line of my next blog entry would be.

Because it really does feel that way. Like in order to get anywhere, I would have to teach the rocks and stones in my soul to burn like dry twigs in order to finally get them out of my mind so I can think.

Yes, I know I use a lot of different images for the same things. Thing is, they’re all true.

Poets don’t always have to be able to explain themselves, do they?

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I have been contemplating a somewhat extreme approach to my social anxiety when it comes to super challenging situations like, say, a party where I don’t know anyone.

The idea goes something like this : instead of viewing that party as a sea full of hostile strangers who hate me and are just waiting to hurt me for the temerity of thinking I belonged with people at all,. I would instead think of them as a whole gang of friends I just haven’t met yet.

Kind of like what Men Without Hats say in this song :

It’s not quite as delusional as it sounds. I know that I can be very charming and likeable and charismatic, so if I go in with that attitude, I could very well make it true.

There’d be some rough spots in the beginning as I make a lot of highly valuable mistakes, some no doubt enormous (big personalities don’t make small mistakes), but the important thing is that I would stay in the game long enough to learn.

I find that if I simply embrace the inevitability of massive social blunder, it makes it a lot less scary and I feel like I am ready for it and might even be able to not just recover from it with grace and aplomb, but turn it into a positive by laughing along with every one else at it and thus owning it by refusing to let it get to me.

Played just right, it could actually make me more popular with people. not less.

That’s the kind of magic possible for special wizards like me.

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I sometimes imagine myself as a depressed wizard,.

One who only shows his tricks to a few friends and the occasional stranger. And both groups tell him that his skills are astounding and that he should be trying out for the vacant Court Wizard position, or at least travel and help people.

But he always demurs. Says he’s really not that great, and he’s too scared to go out of his tower, let alone try to be a court wizard. Throughout it all, he treats his magical powers as if they are no big deal.

And this causes a certain amount of frustration amongst his friends and fans. They tell him over and over that they would give their dominant arm to have powers like his, and if they did, they would use them to become rich and famous as hell.

And he does not disagree with what they are saying. Nevertheless, he stays in his lonely twisted garret and continues to cast spells both amazing and potent, the kind that could reshape the whole world, and never shows them to anybody who might help him to realize his dream of being a mighty wizard.

Because all the miracles and wonders don’t mean jack shit if you lack the courage to go out there and take on that big bad world out there.

Sound like anyone you know?

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Somehow, I have to stop turning away from life.

You can’t get ahead by burying your head in the sand. You can’t get what you want out of reality by refusing to live in it. Those who deny reality lose all power over it.

And I want to get ahead. Not in some status-conscious “success” chasing bullshit way, buit in the only way that has any meaning : getting my life closer to how I want it.

That is my new definition of success. All that matters is whether or not you have the life you want – one that works for you. One that makes you happy, fulfilled, and content.

Under this definition, a person who lives in a shotgun shack in the worst part of town who makes their living by collecting bottles and cans from trash cans might well be hugely successful if that life suits them and makes them happy.

On the other end of the spectrum, someone might have all the wealth, acclaim, respect, and worldly comforts in the world, including a supportive family and the love of a group of good people they call friends, and still be a miserable failure because their life is not making them happy and they are wracked by the pain of needs they don’t even have the spiritual awareness to know they have, let alone how to insure they are met.

So what I want is a life more suited to me. This bullshit life I lead now is crap. Playing video games all day is not enough. I want a job and a husband and a nice home where I can entertain friends and a steady supply of hot, hot sex.

In roughly that order of preference. Sorry, future hubby. but I need gainful employment more than I need you.

And this vast gulf I feel between me and all the things I want?

It’s an illusion. I have everything I need to succeed. Success on my terms is waiting right outside my door.

All I have to do is let it in.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.