I probably should be telling him this. And I may yet. But I have to get this off my chest and I may or may not have the courage to do it in the real world, so I am going to do it here and that way, it at least gets done once.

t’s hard to pick where to begin when I am so pissed off.

OK, here’s the setup : Joe and I had agreed that when he and Julian got back from Joe’s parent’s place, we would all”watch stuff”, which for us means we would watch one of the episodes of Colbert and The Daily Show we have on PVR.

We have our own cute phrases for things. Aww.

And I was looking forward to this. I was excited for it. And not just because we had gotten pretty far behind on Colbert and on Daily Show. It happened because Joes parents were on vacation so he and Julian were spending most of their time over at Joe’s parent’s place, “house sitting”.

Which is its whole other thing. Apparently they don’t like being here.

Doesn’t that just make me feel fine and dandy all over.

And because they had been away so much, I was missing them, and really looking forward to hanging out with them last night.

So there I was, waiting patiently for them to come home. Usually, they get home at around midnight-ish, and as the minutes and hours ticked by – 1 am, 1:30 am, 2 am – I started to worry that something had happened to them on the drive home.

So imagine my shock when I went to the kitchen to refill my water glass at around 2:15 am and see that the light is on in their bedroom.

I check it out to find he and Julian are undressed and asleep in their bed.

I wake them up and ask what the deal was. Joe says “they fell asleep”.

I ask if they still feel up to watching stuff. Um. nope, too tired.

So I leave it at that and go back to my room. But it’s not long at all before I realize that this shit does not fucking add up.

They didn’t just “fall asleep”. They went to sleep. They intentionally got home, snuck into their bedroom, got undressed, and went to bed without telling me, leaving me entirely in the lurch.

All they had to do was come tell me they were too tired to hang out like we had agreed to do. I would have been a little disappointed but I would have happened. These things happen. Sleep can sneak up on your sometimes.

But no, they went straight to bed instead. And I feel deeply betrayed.

The worst part is that I had the thought that they would do this to me. But I have paranoid thoughts like that all the time and they have always been easily dismissed as the wildly implausible products of my social damage.

And why? Because not only were they absurdly mistrustful and projected ill intent on people I love based on absolutely nothing I knew about them, they never happened.

Ever. No matter what my paranoia cooked up, it always turned out to be not just wrong but comically wrong.

But now one of them has happened and I don’t know how to handle that. Clearly my paranoia is going to be stoked even higher now that it has been confirmed and my already pretty intense trust issues are going to be a million times worse.

How could they do this to me? How DARE they do this to me? How dare they violate my trust like this?

I doubt they know how bad they hurt me with this.

I suppose I will have to tell them.

I am not looking forward to that. I have never enjoyed confrontation. Argument, sure. I love to argue. To a fault.

But real confrontations have real emotional stakes and involve a lot of very ugly emotions that I would just as soon avoid.

Sadly, that does not mean that they can be avoided entirely. Sometimes they are vitally necessary in order to work out conflicts between people, whether it’s merely by getting things out in the open or via the exact sort of big drag out argument that is very hard on people’s nerves but ultimately serves to clear the air and help everyone calm down.

It’s kind of like a thunderstorm. They too clear the air in a loud and violent manner.

Myself, I am very much a peace, love, and harmony kind of guy. I want the good vibes that come when people are getting long and enjoying one another’s company in a free and relaxed atmosphere where everyone can be who they really are.

That’s why I am so nostalgic for the days when I ran the local furry community. I created that kind of environment for people with the monthly furmeets I organized.

In fact, I did such a good job of it that it barely seemed like I did anything at all. To the casual attendee, it seemed like these things just came together and that good, warm, accepting vibe we had going was the natural result.

And that’s exactly how I wanted it. When I lead, I am not looking to be the center of attention and I do not make it all about myself.

What matters to me is results, and I am quite proud of the results I got. People had a happy little haven once a month where they could let their fur down and hang around and enjoy that most precious thing of all – the company of like-minded individuals.

I miss that. I sort of have that with the FRED I have organized, but we’re all so damned old and tired that it just doesn’t have the same vibe.

I wonder if Vancouver still has an organized furry scene? I wouldn’t mind getting in touch with it. I might even attend events if they are not too crowded.

And if it turns out there isn’t one, well…. I would just have to found one again.

Sometimes the only way to get what you want is to create.

And that’s when I really shine.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.