I might seem OK on the outside.

But on the inside….

So let’s examine the relevant bullshit.

Why do I have trouble admitting that things are not currently ^[1]okay :

Vulnerability, primarily. All of us North American men have a certain amount of trouble revealing vulnerability, but for me it goes deeper than that.

I don’t worry about loss of face or anything like that. Not consciously, anyhow. As a gay man, my social status amongst fellow males is somewhat of a wildcard.

No, my main fear is that if I reveal weakness to others, they just won’t care. And I will be made to feel bad for even bothering them with my problems.

Plus there’s that time-worn problem I have where I like to pretend I am someone far healthier and stronger than I really am. And if I can convince others of that, it makes believing it myself so much easier.

I really need to stop doing that, I suppose. But I can’t even imagine what life would be like if I always acted exactly how I feel.

I’d be a heck of a lot less fun to be around, that’s for sure.

Now, about my current feeling of argh :

I have that weird free-floating anxiety going on. I think there is some kind of energy trying to rise and find expression in me, only to get shut down by my usual secret police’s suppression tactics.

Those are getting weaker by the minute, though. So who knows, some day soon I might actually do something out of spontaneous inspiration.

I’m planning on it! *canned laughter*

What happens when the energy gets cut off like that is that it turns into anxiety. Free floatuing anxiety comes from energy with nowhere else to go revving up my adrenal state to make me nervous for no reason.

Then that nervousness waits around for something to attach to and turn into an anxiety attack, which is ALSO suppressed by the inner police.

Hmmm. Perhaps the whole reason those inner police evolved was to shut down my anxiety attacks but they do it by suppressing any kind of surge of emotion in me, including things like a surge of inspiration to act, and so they are a cure that is at least as bad as the disease.

Maybe I would be better off in the long run if I just let myself freak out now and then.

Might not be pleasant, but at least it would be over for a while.

Man the words are coming slow today. Kinda feels like this :

Hard to tell if it’s that my writing has slowed down or because my brain has sped up.

You laugh, but that’s a serious concern for me. I have a high performance brain and sometimes the whole CPU accelerates at the same time and it makes time seem like it is slowing down.

Kind of like those cameras that take a zillion frames per second.

I don’t usually do this on Sundays, but I think I will take a break now.

Turns out that I can do spontaneous things if they are lazy!

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Well that nap sure as fuck didn’t help.

You would think I’d learn. Afternoon naps in the summer always leave me all fucked up. now I am all groggy and dizzy and all the rest and it’s just two hours until FRED.

I try not to say it but I am saying it : I hate my fucking life.

Or at least, I hate it right now, in this moment.

Time for my second Aleve of the day in order to deal with the army of gnome in steel clogs line dancing in my skull right now.

For those of you who have trouble keeping up. that means I have a throbbing headache. Don’t worry I haven’t started hallicinating yet.

Seems tempting sometimes. It would surely keep me entertained. Honestly, if there was a way to go insane on a temporary., recreation basis, I would go for.

Guess that’s what street drugs are for.

I was pondering that just the other night, and how if I was offered anything stronger that pot, I would stil Just Say No. Not because of some bullshit Nancy Reagan said, or all those well intentioned lies I was fed as a kid in the 80’s.

No, I would say no because I do not feel safe taking those kind of chances with my sanity. That’s my anti-drug. I am not going to gamble with my very fragile and unstable mental state for the chances at a temporary high.

No shade on others. Feel free to alter your blood chemistry all you want. It’s your body and you have the right to do what you want to with it as long as you are not hurting anyone else in the process.

I would legalize, tax, and regulate everything like Portugal did if I could. And the tax money would go to pay for rehab for whoever needs it.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

When I am done blogging (named after famed Scottish landmark Dun Bloggin), what I will want to do is, ironically, get more sleep. I feel so wiped out right now.

But I can’t do that because I don’t currently have an alarm clock and that means I can’t be sure I will wake up at 6:30 pm so I can get in the shower to be read to leave for FRED at 6:45 pm or so.

And that suuuuucks, I hate having to stay awake when I am this tired. It’s so stressful because I am too tired to think straight and I need a fairly high level of mental clarity in order to function.

Perhaps I will risk a semi-nap, where I stop resisting sleep but put myself in an uncomfortable position so I can’t REALLY fall asleep.

Yeah. That sounds good. Think I will go do that now.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.