At some point in my life, I absorbed the message that I was being obnoxious and that I really should tone it down some.

I overcompensated by a wide margin.

I certainly get where people were coming from. Were I to act in the real world in the flamboyant, over the top, outrageous way I do online as Fruvous, a lot of people would think I was extremely obnoxious.

And yet, that’s the real me – so to speak. That is who I am when I am expressing myself as fully as I know how and following my social instincts and doing what feels right. That is me without inhibitions, without shyness, and without fear. Me without all that social damage causing me pain and driving me into fear by playhing those time-worn tapes from my childhood when I try to interact with others.

So I can do things like just plonk myself down in a handsome stranger’s lap, or tickle a random person, or make silly jokes about people’s names or species, and not only does it not get me in trouble (most of the time), it actually works.

I charm the pants off of people. Sometimes literally.

The very notion of being able to do that in the real world makes me tremble and tingle inside with giddy fear and joyous chills.

Like I said, I’m…..complicated.

But first I would have to accept that at the very least, I am risking being seen as obnoxious by some.

There are worse things to be.Too scared to find love comes to mind. Forever trapped in the darkness of your own cold and fractured mind because you lack the courage to overcome your own resistance is another.

Been there, done that. Time for something new.

If I could somehow shut down the clusterfucking shitshow in my mind when I am dealing with new people,that would be a big help.

I mean, I realize now that my entire time at VFS was one enormous prolonged panic attack. I was freaking out the whole time I was there.

That’s why I was so dopey, disorganized,and confused. Important higher thinking centers of my brain could not function while my mind was waterlogged with fear.

And that’s also what kept me from really connecting with my fellow students. Sure, there was an age gap, but the real problem was that there was demonic chorus of abject fear shrieking in my ears the whole time.

I’m enjoying expressing my talent for imagery.

Looking back over my life, that has pretty much always been my problem. On the surface, I don’t seem perturbed or distressed at all. I seem calm and confident, maybe even a little big arrogant and/or smug.

`But on the inside, I am a burning firehouse full of screaming homunculi clawing at each other and myself as they try to escape.

Hmmm. Too much like the demonic choir one. Whatever.

So one possible solution would be to lower my inhibitions and actually express the fear I am feeling at the time.

That would be…. hard to achieve. It would mean abandoning my social mask in a way that leaves me extremely vulnerable, and that’s not easy.

And to be honest, it probably would not go well. If a petite woman breaks down crying and expresses fear and anxiety, odds are good she will get a sympathetic response at least from other women.

But if a big fat biker looking dude does the same thing, the universal response will be contempt. As if I am somehow failing as a man and therefore detestable.

Been there, done that. Trust me, it ain’t pretty.

I imagine the only place I would feel comfortable doing that would be some kind of therapeutic environment. My psychiatrist’s office,a psych ward, whatever.

That would be the only place where I would let my feelings out in that way because the people are professionals and presumably know how to keep their prejudices at bay.

They know that mental illness does not discriminate, and that a big hug guy like me can have some serious demons just like anyhow else.

So letting the dogs out, as it were, is probably not an option.

The other solution would be to calm them the fuck down.

Anyone know where I can by Xanax flavoured Milkbones?

Seriously though, I have considered whether using one of the common fast-acting anti-anxiety drugs would be to my benefit.

The theory would be that if I can take one of those and have them quiet my demons, I can then interact positively with others. Positive human interaction is the antidote to social anxiety. It is the opposite input and cancels it out in the long term.

So the drug would merely enable the real cure, positive interactions.

Sounds plausible. I will ask my therapist about it.

And it sounds a lot better than the way a lot of people achieve the same thing, which is by drinking. Not only would that absolutely trash my fragile health, the fact that it is a depressant would dull whatever inputs I am getting and make the whole thing useless.

Of course, if the drug worked and I actually got a few hours of respite from my all-encompassing anxiety, I would likely become addicted to it.

Seems like a fair trade to me. Maybe it would shorten my lifespan,but at least I would get to live a little before I die.

Right now, all I see before me is a slow and tortuous descent into illness and pain and suffering ending in an ignonimous and pathetic death.

I see myself living the exact same life as I am now 5, 10, 15 years from now, with nothing to show for my time on Earth and all my potential growth still locked up inside of me like I am a seed that was planted far too deep.

Hopefully one day my shoots will emerge from the surface of the soil and burst forth into rowdy bloom at long last.

But the clock is ticking. I am not a healthy man. I might not live much longer.

And you would think the looming specter of death would be enough to galvanize me into getting my shit together and making something of myself.

But it ain’t.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.