Feeling all crappy and sleepy and dizzy and such. The usual.

And I am out of antihistamines. These phenomena are not unrelated.

Because my antihistamines are also my sinus pills, and so I have been sneezing a lot (to the point of it making my tummy ache)[^[1] with nothing aiding the draining of my nose and sinus cavities.

So I have a had fulla snot, basically, and that interferes with my breathing when I sleep, and hence, I wake up feeling downright horrible.

Funny how these things work out like that.

So I must tell Joe I need more antihistamines, pronto.

The sneezing I can handle, although it’s a lot harder when I have been sneezing as hard as I have been lately.

Pollen count must be insaaaaaane.

Runny nose, ditto. It’s a serious pain but I can manage it if I must.

But day after day of waking up all squit-eyed and confused, with a pounding headache and feeling like I got run over by a cartoon steamroller in my sleep, really wears on the nerves after a while.

The fact that I could really use a real, actual shower ^[2] doesn’t help either.

I do what I can with a wet towel and soap, and that works for body odor management, but it is lousy at making me feel clean.

And I can tell my pores are getting clogged and I haaate that. It always means I am going to get heat stroke symptoms even in the winter.

In the summer, of course, it can be hell.

My diabetes ain’t doin’ so hot either. That’s because I didn’t get to do my usual Sunday shopping last week because the groceries stores were all closed when FRED ended due to the long weekend.

For the unemployed like me, long weekends are mostly an annoyance.

Because I didn’t get to do my usual Sunday shopping, I couldn’t get my low-carb snacks, and hence my diet has temporarily reverted to its previous, shitter state.

Really need to get that glucometer. Dammit.

It also meant that I have been without my beloved sugar free desserts for a week as well, and thus I am missing a chunk of what little joy I have in life,.

So, crappiness abounds.

On the other hand, I am going to get to meet Felicity’s new kitten, a little black kitty called Charcoal, tonight. And I am super looking forward to that.

Her family just picked him up from the local animal shelter yesterday, and initial reports indicate that he is adjusting well to his new home, and remains the adorable and affectionate little scamp they fell in love with at the shelter.

So yay for that.

Life has a way of compensating for the bad stuff sometimes.

More after the break.

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Feeling a lot better now. Still don’t feel wonderful but at least I feel like I am three dimensional and on my native planet, breathing its atmosphere now.

As you know, I have been feeling depressed lately. It’s weird how clearly I can feel the depression as a seperate, intact, defined thing.

A shadow lurking on the horizon… or is it a stain on my eye?
A ghost haunting my gravesite, just waiting for me to die
A dream unbroken, a nightmare without end
The curse of my life, but also my friend
My jailer, my keeper, my prisoner, my pet
A summation of all that I haven’t done yet
A seed left to rot, its bloom dead and gone
The afflication that makes it so hard to move on
The terror attempting to steal my last breath
The bane of my life, and quite likely,. my death.

Me, suffering an attack of poetry, just now

Well that was cool.

Sometimes shit just starts happening with me. I get the feeling I would be a much healthier and happier person if I let it happen more often.

For that, I would have to loosen all this rationalist discipline I carry around. :Learn to accept things without having to understand them. Stop constantly trying to figure everything out and try simply letting things flow along their natural routes,. one thing to the next, in this bizarre dimension I call my mind.

I get the feeling that a lot of my latent energy is tied up in knots by all this unnatural rationalism. My particular kind of (sorta) logic based mindset takes an extraordinary level of self-discipline and metaconscious oversight, and the fact that it leads to the objective truth of things seems like a poor compensation for the toll it takes.

And yet, it is very difficult to escape it on its own terms. Perhaps impossible. It’s entirely possible that I am trying to win a baseball game via chess moves, and real progress is going to require something much larger and more powerful than what I can generate with all my mental manipulations.

Some event with the emotional power to shatter my current tinker toy playground mindset and let something stronger and more complete arise to take its place.

Generally speaking, the things that can do that are bad. Personal disasters. shocking losses, getting fucked over by the random hand of fate, getting a horrible disease, having a brush with death, some unimaginable spiritual event…. the list goes on and on, and every entry is either extremely painful in some way or profoundly confusing.

You don’t escape your own personal hell by simply asking nicely. It takes a real sacrifice – something akin to gnawing off a limb – before you can be free.

And I want to be set free. Just point out the limb to me and I will start gnawing.

But it’s never that easy. It takes far more than one easily defined sacrifice.

And there is no getting out of it – it is going to take a hell of a lot of pain. All that deferred suffering has to be endured, and there’s so very much of it.

Might as well get started.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

PS, affirmations : I matter. I count. I am as good as anyone else. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am amazing,. I am worthy. I am good.

And I deserve love.

That should do it for today.