These are song lyrics.
I tried so very hard to fade away slowly
But you made it clear that you’d rather be lonely
I lay awake nights wishing you’d only
Had the courage to say
I want you to stay
What did I do to make you so afraid?
Was it all of the passionate love that we made?
Just one little smile and you know I’d have stayed
But you let me fade away
It still hurts to this day
Did I hold you too close? Did I keep you too near?
Was it all of those lingering kisses you feared?
Did my waves of affection make you disappear?
Did they wash you away?
‘cuz I want you to stay
Did the strength of my love cause you to fear
That when the tide ebbed, you’d no longer be here
That you’d drown in lake made of my joyous tears
I didn’t mean it that way
So why can’t I stay?
A smile. A glance. A pat on the shoulder.
Anything except my heart growing colder
I miss being with you. And I miss growing older
With you every day
But I just couldn’t stay
And still, if you asked, you know I’d return
All it would take is a little concern
We’d watch all the years spent apart slowly burn
And together we’d lay
Like that very first day
When you asked me to play
And I said “okay”
And that I’d never stray
Starting today
And you smiled and say “Hey…
I want you, I want you to stay.
Well that attack of poetry was rather large. And there is some pretty good stuff in there.
Who knows…. maybe some day I will come back to this, clean it up, and turn it into an actual song or something.
Yeah right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.
Feeling extra alienated today. No reason why that I know of. OI guess it’s just the random vibrations of my erratic brain chemicals playing silly buggers with me.
So what else is new?
Everything seems strange to me. Life has a very unusual emotional affect. I feel like I am not living in the real world.
Like I am fictional, and this is all nothing but a strange story being broadcast late at night, in black and white, meaningless and yet you can’t take your eyes away from it.
Like an obscure art film.
I can’t imagine what would happen if I had to cope with the world right now. I am having enough trouble keeping up with my own dumb little world. If I had to deal with the real world, Lord only knows what I might say or do.
Anything is possible when I feel this way.
Heck, I might start expressing all the weird shit that goes on in my head and letting the world see just how crazy I really am.
It’s amusing to imagine someone telling me to express what’s on my mind and my taking them at their word and starting to spew out an unexpurgated version of my inner monologue, stream of consciousness style.
“well I was thinking about dog hair and that reminded me of a friend’s apartment I visited once where the landlady never cleaned up here dog’s hair and the dog smell was so thick you could chew it and that made me think of that friend and how I haven’t seen him in a long time and how I miss playing Soul Calibur with him and saying ‘Ow, my soul is burning!’ and then I thought about how hot some of the male characters in that game were and then I thought about how much energy and zeal for life I had back then and how I wish I had it back now that I have something productive to use it on… ”
And so forth and so on.
But even that would be a lie, because I could not possibly express all that goes through my head verbally. I wouldn’t even know where to start. The throughput of my mentation is staggering in its depth, breadth, and intensity, and I could be the best poet in the known universe and I still wouldn’t even get one percent of it out.
No wonder I am drowning in my own shadow these days.
I have never known how to keep up with my own mind, let alone what to actually do with the damned thing. Society was no help. There’s not a lot of people like me in the world and that kind of makes it hard to find role models.
The sorts of things that provide structure and limitation and guidance to other people were never going to work for me. I could see through them, around them, over them, and into them with a mere glance. I was seemingly born knowing how arbitrary authority is and how helpless it can be if you simply refuse to cooperate.
There are no procedures in place to help a kid like that.
And I was not easy to help. Not that I am blaming myself for it, but the truth is, being far, far smarter than even the adults in my life was hard for adults to take, let along deal with on an emotional level.
What do you do with a kid like that?
And yet, at the same time, I was pathetically eager to please. I really needed some kind of mentor and I wasn’t getting it at home, so I did the only thing I knew how to do : show off how smart I am to adults in order to get them to like me.
That’s what my preschooler life had been like, after all.
The argument can be made that no matter how startlingly strange and gifted a child I was, the educational system should have figured out how to deal with me.
Ideally, yes. But I am a pragmatist first and foremost, and realistically, they stood little chance of being able to handle me.
To be fair, I didn’t know how to handle myself either.
Sure gets lonely up here on this mountaintop.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.