And now, I attempt to express my emotions in realtime-ish.

Right now, I feel hungry. My KFC is on its way and I am feeling a little impatient for it to be here already. I am salivating in anticipation.

Yes, that happens in real life, not just Depression-era cartoon.

I also feel elated to be giving this bold experiment a try. In therapy today, I brought up my difficulty in expressing my emotions in the present tense.

I am also a little tense in the present. Ha ha ha.

Anyhoo, when I was talking to my therapist about that, the idea for this experiment popped into my head and I knew I had to try it. I feel excited to be actually giving this a shot and proud that I am going through with it instead of letting it become one of the millions of fantastic ideas I have had then did absolutely nothing about.

I’m great at that. Doing nothing. I can do it with anything.

There is a little fear in my excitement. After all, I have no idea how this will turn out and I might find myself in a really dark state of mind once I start uncorking things like this.

So far so good. But I can feel the worm turning. My mood just started to sink. It was floating on the surface of the dark underground lake that is my emotions like a happy colorful balloon, but now the gravity of my depression has it and is dragging it down.

So down I go. Fuck it. I knew this job was dangerous when I took it. I am not afraid ti “go under” as Nietzsche would say.

Now I am feeling a slowly spreading chill. Like my parasympathetic system reacted to my joy like it was a threat and released a whole bunch of chilling, numbing chemicals to correct what it saw as a too-hot emotional state.

No wonder I am so fucking depressed. I need to shut that shit down. Clearly my body considers depression to be my “resting state”, the state it is supposed to maintain when no threat or challenge is present, and fights to keep me this way.

That would explain a lot.

Along with the spreading numbness, which now more or less perfuses my psyche, there is now a strain of cold, hard, bitter resentment. I am pissed off at my fucked up system and outraged at the thought that my whole fuckihng life has been not just destroyed but denied because my stupid body has the wrong default settings.

Get with the new normal, dammit!

Yay my food is here! Excitement!

Hmmm. Unanticipated issue : arrival of food interrupted experiment and I have felt so many things since I was last here at the keyboard.

Obvious in retrospect, but hindsight.

Only one worth sharing : the image of myself as a non-anthro fox running for the door, arfing and wagging my little tail, eager for my KFC.

I am so darn cute.

Oh well, now I get to see how food changes my emotions in real time-ish.

After all, I never know what is true depression and what is mere low blood sugar.

Actually, I think a lot of people have trouble telling the difference. Who knows, maybe there are people out there who think they have depression when they are actually just hypoglycemic and need to eat.

Just suddenly remembered to make the FRED reservation.

Right now, I am realizing that I have trouble telling thoughts from emotions, and that totally makes sense for someone who intellectualizes as much as I do.

So the EMOTION is dawning realization, and a feeling like I may have stumbled onto something big as I can sense that, as I force myself back to emotions, I am disturbing something that connects to a whole lot of other stuff in my mind.

Don’t escape. Stay with feels. Don’t escape. Feels are real.

“Easier said that done” says my mind to express the feeling of intimidation I am feeling about trying to de-intellectualize myself.

It’s such a deep and fundamental part of me that changing it feels impossible. I feel dwarfed by the size of the task. It involves changing the fundamental way I have dealt with reality for my entire life.

But now I feel some hope, because all is not lost. I at least have memories of the happy, pre-rape period of my childhood to start with when I try to imagine what life would be like without all this manic mentation going on all the time.

I am imagining it now. Life without the megabrain. And it doesn’t frighten me at all. I thought I would be terrified of the notion but no.

To be honest, my megabrain has never done me much good anyway. It should have, by most people’s reckoning, but it didn’t.

So it might be nice to have a trial seperation from it. Figure out who I am without all that noise in my head and the constant need to express my intellect in hopes, on some level, of pleasing and getting praise from some authority figure.

My mom, basically, or someone like her.

I am pretty sure the normal-IQ version of me would be a rather nice fellow, perhaps a tad prissy at times, but mostly a warm and likable fellow who knows a lot of people and a lot of people know him because he’s such a nice guy.

Woops, that’s not an emotion. Dammit.

Right now I feel annoyed that I wandered away from emotion again. This task is much harder than I anticipated.

But I don’t feel like I wasted my time here. I have learned a lot from this, and god willin and the crick don’t rise, I will try again soon and see how that turns out.

I feel happy with my tummy full of KFC, and eager to be done here so I can take a nice little post feast nap like the predator I am.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.