I’ve been reading Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda, and wow.
It’s a book my friend Luke sent me, and I am so glad, because I have never read anything like it before and it is really opening my mind to new horizons.
Its combination of spirituality and philosophy presented as fictional dialogues really appeals to me, and I find myself astonished by the power of the form.
The main character’s discussions with don Juan are just what I need right now because they contain a view of reality that goes beyond reason without disregarding it.
The points are too powerful, deep, and clear for me to simply disregard as the sort of new age babble that the weak minded cling to because it gives them the feeling of deep thinking without the effort of doing the thinking themselves.
This is a long way from mere verbal flower arranging. This shit has substance.
And yet, it is not bounded by reason. It’s a much larger view of the world than that.
And as someone currently struggling to free his soul from an overactive superego’s “rational” rules and restrictions, I really appreciate that.
You cannot live life by reason alone. Trust me, I have tried it, and it sucks. It’s easy for a big brain type like myself to fall into the trap of thinking that they have conquered the rule with their reason and that there’s nothing in the world except for that which their powers of reason can understand, predict, and control.
It is a species of delusion to which the average person is not prone. On some level, they understand that there is a lot about the world they do not and cannot understand and in growing up, they find a way to deal with it.
But not me. I’m too “smart” for that. Lacking a frame of reference for my kind of gifts, I can only see them through the eyes of others, and from the point of view of the culture in which I was raised, I see and understand so much more than the average person that it seems like I must “know everything”.
The book is helping me build a better frame of reference than that. One that is not from the point of view of a person on the ground looking up at the mountaintop on which I have no real choice but to live.
Instead, it is a point of view that takes in the whole mountain, and everything around it.
In less mystical words, it’s a view that takes in all of life, not just that part of it that my powerful powers of reason can access and control.
So much of life takes place outside the bright white light of my mental macroscope. And for too long, I have been too scared of the dark to venture outside that circle of light.
But that’s where the love is. That’s where life is.
And most of all, I want to live. I want to feel truly alive.
The truth is out there.
And it will take a lot more than my mind to find it.
More after the break.
Essentially, what I need is a stronger spirit.
I have this enormous overdevelped mind, but nowhere near the strength of spirit or will to wield it properly.
Like I’ve said before (I think), I am like the guy at the gym who spends all his time building up his muscles but never does his cardio.
So I have all this power but not the strength needed in order to drive it.
That’s one of the reasons I fear my own power so much. It seems so much bigger than me. It’s not even really about fear of harming others by misusing it, although that it also a factor in the fear.
No, it’s simpler and more primal than that. It’s the fear of the thing itself. It’s a fear tinged with awe, like the fear one might feel at the sight of some mighty and enormous predator looming over you.
And I know that sounds kind of weird, to be afraid of one’s own power. I mean, it’s my power. It responds only to my will. It can’t do anything I do not tell it to do. Right?
Yes and no. Yes, it’s my power. But no, it doesn’t only respond to my conscious control. It also responds to all my subconscious bullshit too.
Both the good, healthy parts of me and the bad, diseased parts of me have my mighty mental muscle to call upon in their struggle.
I’ve armed both sides.
I want to unleash my power. I want to let it run wild and free like a horse let loose for the first time after a long winter. I want to feel is flow and leap and sing, like a river. I want to feel the joy of living so strongly that I scream at the top of my lungs just to keep it from overwhelming me completely.
All that stands in my way is that lump of mindless fear blocking the exit of my cave. Which means that once that lump is gone, I will be free.
And to nine bloody hells with my option paralysis. The idea is not to do the “right” thing it’s to do something. To exit the passive observer stage of my life and get to a place where I am a part of things instead of watching life pass me by.
Who am I kidding? I don’t even watch.
I spend my days with my back turn against reality, burying myself in my video games in order to keep myself occupied while my life rots to pieces around me.
And like all addictions, it is its own deadly medication, because if I start feeling bad about spending all my time playing video games, I can always play video games in order to forget about it for a while.
That’s a lot easier than actually grappling with the problem. Fun too.
But sooner or later it has to stop. I have to get a grip on myself and use some of this power I have accumulated to make my life meet all of my needs, not just the ones that I can do on my own.
Sooner or later, I will have to face my biggest problem : other people.
And that’s a whole ball of wax unto itself.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.