…this must be about today’s therapy session.
Therapy Thursdays. It’s a thing. Not as fun as Taco Tuesdays, but much more helpful.
Not a great session. I was feeling tired and cold and somewhat stupefied, and so like last week, it was mostly just me talking without getting to anything of substance.
I blame the fact that I forgot to eat before going to therapy, and thus had low blood sugar and was in a foggy, unfocused state of mind.
Would have been better off in a shitty, cranky, snappish mood. Those can be very therapeutic in therapy. Means my defenses are down and I am ready to talk about how I really think and feel instead of just sleepily going through the motions.
Mental note for next time : be more of an asshole. It works.
I am also a little off because I could not find my Wellbutrin(Bupropion) yesterday and so I missed my dose.
Luckily. I have been taking it for long enough that missing one dose doesn’t have a huge effect. But missing two in a row would be very bad, so I am going to have to really, really look for the damn things.
Phew! Found them. Crisis averted.
On the plus side, it’s nice and sunny out, and that is helping my mood. I always feel better when the sun is shining.
I keep telling myself I will get full spectrum bulbs for all my light fixtures but I never seem to get around to it.
It’s a roof-mending thing. When it’s sunny out, I feel too good to want to think about feeling sad, and when it’s cloudy, I am too depressed.
Maybe I will get myself some for Xmas.
Speaking of which, I am looking forward to my fave part of Xmas : buying gifts for people. Or more accurately. giving gifts to people.
I love to give gifts. Don’t get me wrong, I love getting them too. I am as much of a product of a materialistic consumer society as anyone else in that regard.
But to me, the greatest pleasure is in the giving. It’s a way for me to express my love and appreciation for a person and I love doing that.
If I had more money, I would be buying gifts for everyone I can think of. People I am close to would get loads of gifts from me every year.
It would probably get to be embarrassing for them, to be honest. That’s kind of the natural byproduct of my exuberant and affectionate nature.
Something I don’t express nearly enough in my real life. I do it all the time as Fruvous the Fox. That’s like one of his main things.
But in the real world, I am always too afraid of overwhelming people. I know that I can be a lot to take in even as Fruvous. As myself, all of that ebullient energy gets magnified by the fact that I am 6’1″ and 300 pounds and can seriousl scare the bejesus out of people with my sheer amplitude.
Maybe I go too far in the other direction, though.
Surely the world can handle me at half volume, maybe?
More after the break.
50 shades of Fru
Not everybody is a shapeshifter like me. I get that. I’m a very strange dude.
Also, water is wet.
But I can’t imagine having a single fixed and immutable identity. That would be far too restrictive for me.
Who I am on the inside is far too complex and chaotic to be limited to one exact precise persona. Perhaps that’s true of a lot of creative people.
Like Nietzsche said :
“…one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star “
Nietzsche
My chaos makes fixity an impossibility. If I picked one final form to match who I am inside, a heartbeat later I would change inside, and then be trapped in the wrong form for all eternity.
Such existential dysphoria would be a hellish nightmare to me.
The thing is, I am still a Taurus and so part of me craves order, stability, harmony, and predictability. Part of me will always be saddened by the chaos.
But the rest of my chart contains three of the four mutable signs : Moon in Sagittarius (Mutable Fire), Venus in Gemini (Mutable Air), and Mars in Pisces (Mutable Water).
If I had a planet in Virgo (Mutable Earth) , I would have the full set.
And mutable signs have to be free to… mutate, I suppose. To change. Any kind of rigid, permanent, inflexible system is going to make them feel trapped. They have to be free to adapt to changing circumstances both within and without.
So while I crave order and predictability in theory, I hate them in practice. That whirling twirling sizzling sparking star inside me won’t permit it. Whatever kind of order I try to create in either my inner or outer worlds, the other forces within me angrily attacks it, rips it apart, and renders back into its constituent components.
My massive unresolved anger issues probably have a lot to do with that as well.
This makes a lot of trouble for me because you can’t have a stable sense of self without some degree of order, and without a stable sense of self it’s hard to have a stable self-worth, and without a stable self-worth, it’s hard to get anything done, and so forth and so on til you are lft in near perfect immobility like I am right now.
And there is no clear logical solution to this problem. I can’t even conceive of a form of order I could live with. Anything I imagine, my inner turmoil would devour.
So clearly, there is no rational solution. The only way this sort of thing gets fixed is if I tackle the forces that keep that psycho shitstorm raging inside me, and that’s not something that mere thinking can accomplish.
If it was, I would have done it years ago.
Instead, I will have to go on an expedition deep into the dark forest that lies outside the bright circle of light of my poor overtaxed reason.
Should be a lot of fun.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.