… until morale improves.
God, do I feel like shit.
Dizzy, weak, disoriented, aching all over, head feels like it’s full of half set jello, headache, nausea, and that oh so charming feeling that I have been squished flat like a cartoon character who had a run in with a steamroller.
All that plus the general feeling of crappiness that comes from oxygen deprivation, and you get the warped hellscape that I call “sleep”.
My god, does it suck.
This is the sort of thing that makes me stop taking my sleeping pills. Not that it doesn’t happen without them – I won’t lie to myself about that. It happens without the sleeping pills too, they just make it worse somehow.
Maybe without them, I’m more awake to fight the symptoms. I dunno.
I’m pretty fucking sick of this bullshit, though. That I can tell you.
Maybe I should give the CPAP machine another try. It is not without its issues but at least when I am on it, I am getting enough oxygen for a while.
I could start off just wearing it while I am awake, to get used to the thing again. And if I happen to fall asleep while wearing it, so much the better.
The problem is that the thing is so alien and loud. Mkaes it hard to relax and get to sleep when all you can think about is Darth Vader.
Or is that Darth Vapor.
But I gotta get healthy. So many of my problems would disappear if I didn’t feel so lousy all of the time.
And it’s not like I don’t know how. Eat less crap, move more, get some vitamin supplements. It’s really not that complicated.
But as patient readers know, the problem is never truly not knowing what to do, I’m a very smart guy. I always know how to solve a problem.
What I don’t know is how to get pas all that sadness inside me that strips all the energy from me and makes me turn my head to the wall and say “No. ”
That sadness is a real motherfucker. It kills me inside, over and over. Against it I am completely helpless. I can no more override its dictates than I can overrule gravity and fly to the fucking moon.
And it is so very, very cold. The kind of col that destroys life. It is, in fact, the antithesis of life – stasis. The epitome of nullifcation. The summation of all “don’t”.
Yeah. The Edge gets it.
And the thing is, despite it all, I know that once I stop blogging, I will go back to sleep.; I don’t have a choice,. I need more sleep.
And knowing you have no choice but to do something that you know will end up making you feel worse is not a good feeling at all.
I’d rather stay awake, play some FONV, maybe masturbate. But no.
I will instead spend that time going through hell in my sleep.
Oh what fun,.
More after the break,
Take a deep breath….
….and shout it out loud!
I’m feeling very full of id at the moment. I feel feisty, and scrappy, and spoiling for a fight,
Were I a working class tough from a tough neighborhood, the kind that’s angry and defiant and up to no good, this is when I would go out looking for a fight at the half lit arse end of a Tuesday night.
Stop me before I rhyme again.
Tomorrow night is another night when I will be doing standup comedy at the Kingwood pub, and I have decided that this time, I am going to concentrate on my performance rather than worry about writing jokes.
Specifically, I am going to concentrate on putting the force of my personality behind my material. I have the sort of personality that can really project, and that can be one hell of an asset for a comedian.
But first I have to learn to use it. And that starts with my doing my best to get up there and turn that fucker up to 11 and see how it goes.
And that is not without its risks. In your face charm and outright rage are very close together on the ol’ personal expression dial and I have to make sure that I maintain the energy without it spilling over into anger or anxiety.
Or both. That’s a gruesome thought. If I ended up channeling an anxiety attack into rage, God knows what the fuck I might up saying.
But I won’t let that stop me. I’d rather be hated than ignored. Of course, best of all would be to have people love me, but there are situations where I might settle for merely making sure they leave with a strong impression of me.
I could make myself into one of the most hated people on Earth without much effort. All I would have to do is let my demons off the leash for once in a public enough forum and I guarantee you everyone will soon know my name.
All the better to curse me with.
And believe me, it is tempting. I have wanted to be notorious since the moment I learned what the word meant. I could have enormous fun playing the dark trickster who challenges people’s assumptions and forces them to think about what they believe and why, even though he know they will never thank him for it.
Remember, the truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.
But I know I won’t always feel like this, and that most of the time I take great pleasure in being really nice to people, and that public villainy would lose its appeal pretty fast.
It’s not the world’s fault that I have such a massive buildup of unexpressed id. That part of me wants to set the world on fire just to prove that I’m alive and force people to deal with me for once.
I keep talking like people ignore me, but the truth is, I hide.
Can’t fault people for not going out of their way to find someone they do not even know exists in the first place.
So it’s all up to me. I must learn to be seen. I must learn to decloak.
And then I have to deal with what that means.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.