Well, it’s back,. That weird, gross, cold feeling that I talked about before.
I feel like I swallowed a snowball and the coldness of it is spreading through my body as it melts. I have turned the heat up in my room and yet I still feel cold as fuck. My right hand in particular feels like it has its own personal draft forever aimed at it.
Is this how skinny people feel all the time? Fuck.
I feel emotionally cold too. Like I have been stranded on an ice floe and pushed out to sea, I feel very alone and abandoned and isolated, and to be honest, I could really go for some serious snuggles right about now.
Anything to get some warmth into me, and remind me that I am human.
I don’t really want to be sitting here writing this. I don’t even wish I was playing video games instead. What I really want to do right now is crank the thermostat all the way up and then get into bed, pull everything warm I own on top of me, and hibernate.
Wake me up for my birthday on May 19. It will be spring by then.
Bought a game this morning, one called Endless Space 2. I got it thinking it would be a space empire game like those in the Master of Orion series that I loved so much.
Instead, what I got was an incredibly complicated space empire simulator where the “beginner” tutorial bambarded me with so much information, and with such a strange and alienating interface, that I just shut down and quit the game and am now in the process of returning it.
Perhaps, were I feeling better, I might have made the learning curve and been fine with it all. Conversely, if the tutorial had been better designed to give you the information you need more slowly and in a more linear fashion, adding complexity bit by bit, instead of throwing it at me in enormous wads, I might not be returning the goddamned thing.
Oh well. I am sure I will find something else to play.
Even though I am still playing Fallout New Vegas (heavily modded) and recently started playing Fallout 3 (its prequel, and as yet only slightly modded).
What can I say, I am a gamer who is hungry for something new,. Something unlike the two Fallout games. Something low impact and fun, without a heavy duty plotline.
If I had more money to spend,I would get Borderlands 3. I have and have played through every other game in the series, and I am super eager to play the latest one, which came out earlier this year,.
But it’s $40, and that’s more than I can spare given the need to buy presents this month.
But who knows. If I get ahead of my monthly expenses by enough, maybe there will be room for it.
Or maybe I will stumble across something completely unexpected and wonderful.
Anything is possible in this season of sales.
More after the break.
And I am back after a tasty but not quite satisfying KFC meal.
I feel a little better now than I did before I ate. I still feel cold on both levels and I still want to hibernate forever, but the cold doesn’t cut quite all the way to the bone any more, or at least, not all the time.
Baby steps, and all that.
The fact that I still feel bad despite having eaten suggests that while blood sugar might be a factor, it’s definitely not the only one.
Which raises the possibility that it’s something viral. Or bacterial. Or amoebal. Or…. you get the idea. Something infectious.
Or it could be a sign that something has seriously gone wrong in my body. One of those things I have been helplessly waiting for because I know I don’t keep good care of myself and yet I seem to be powerless to change that.
Logically speaking, the only way that can end is my getting too sick to ignore. It’s already happened twice : first with the pneumonia, then with the massive infection on my leg. Both of those should ave been scary enough to get me to change.
And they were. For a while. But with no further reinforcement, the old patterns came back, and now I live as if those dire events never happened.
So clearly the only thing that will stop my sliding into the pit of oblivion is if something even more drastic goes wrong. The sort of thing that lands me in the hospital, possibly permanently. The sort of thing that takes the choice out of my hands.
Because clearly, what the real problem here is that I can’t take care of myself. And that’s a harsh thing to face bout oneself. I am not capable of doing the things I need to do to stay healthy, and so left yo my own devices, I am going to crash and burn in a way that, to the outside world, will look extremely preventable.
But it isn’t. Depression gets in the way. Of everything.
The worst part of realizing that I am not capable of caring for myself is that I have no idea what to do with that information. As far as I know, there’s no place I can go to and say “I cannot care for myself properly. I need a real adult to look after me. ”
Life does not work that way. Especially for highly articulate and intelligent males who seem like they are perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
Story of my life, really. I don’t get ghelp because I don’t seem like I need help. I am intelligent and confident and seem very self-possessed and capable.
But on the inside, I’m a frozen starving orphan abandoned in the dead of night during the heart of the winter, and all I really want is for something to open the door for me to go someplace where I will be warm and healthy and loved.
But all the doors are locked and I am too timid to knock.
Guess I’ll just die, then.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.