Blogging at 6:11 am because I just had a very weird experience.
Sometimes, depending on how tired I feel, I have a wee bit of a laydown between watching stuff with J&J and getting on the computer to play video games.
Usually, what happens is that I don’t really sleep, I just “zero out” – meaning I lay there with my eyes closed and get part of the way to sleep but mostly just let my stimulation levels drop down all the way to zero.
Hence “zeroing out”.
But this time, I slipped into an extremely deep sleep that has left me feeling extremely fucked up and I guess I must have had my eyes partly open because I woke up with my eyes feeling all grummy and dry and weird.
You know, I meant to type “gummy” not “grummy”, but I am going to leave it because it really conveys the feeling.
So now I feel very alienated and out of sync with reality. I feel like my eyes are trying to go in two different directions like I’m a fucking chameleon and every time I move my head, I feel like I am on a sailing ship with nobody at the wheel.
So the wheel just spins on its own and the ship goes lurching in random directions and everybody on board just clings to whatever is handy.
Sorry if you got that already.
So now I am, as it were, adrift. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself now. These kinds of things leave me feeling a wee bit reluctant to go back to sleep given what sleep just did to me, and yet I doubt I am in any fit mental state to do anything else.
I guess I will just do a little pacing and some breathing exercises to see if I can get myself back on this planet so I can get some decent sleep.
Will be back later.
And now, part two of our feature presentation.
I feel better than I did earlier, but to be frank, how I felt earlier set the bar pretty low.
Fun : right before I got up to make lunch, I got very sleepy. So now I am eating while sleepy as fuck.
I sometimes feel like my life is a video game and someone keep fucking with the difficulty settings so that hard things are easy but normal things are hard.
I can perform miracles with my mind but I can’t get eight hours of sleep in a row.
It would be in society’s best interest if there was some way for hothouse flowers like myself to find our correct climate, where we can thrive and bloom.
But sadly, there is no remedy for being too weak to make it on your own. If you lack the motive power to get up and find your place in the sun, all you can do is wither and die in the dark. On some level and at some point, you have to be strong enough to uproot yourself and seek a warmer climate, even if it’s just by seeking a new protector.
Makes me wonder how many other stray blossoms like myself there are out there.
There’s probably millions of us.
What a waste of human potential.
But how would you solve it? Send wasted potential inspectors door to door?
In many ways, depression is like being in a city under siege. On the one hand, you are successfully keeping the invaders out, but on the other hand, you aren’t getting fresh food and supplies coming in and so everyone is slowly starving to death.
I can’t imagine throwing the gates open to the world at this point in my life. It feels like I would die – the barbarian hordes would overwhelm me and I would be destroyed.
But for all I know, they aren’t even out there any more.
The first step, then, is finding the courage to check.
Ah, there’s always a catch.
There is something terribly, terribly wrong with me.
I am broken on a deep and terrifying level. I can feel it so clearly. Something very, very important is missing from me and I feel its absence is a massive, gaping void at the very center of me, and I don’t know if it can ever be repaired.
I have called it my “broken antenna” in the past but that does not convey the depth of the problem. Face it : I never learned to connect with my fellow human beings on anything but a superficial level.
Because of this, the spaces in my soul where socialization and connection should be are instead fill with the icy cold silence.of the interstellar void.
When I was raped at the age of four, a cold steel wall slammed down between me and the world. No love or warmth can penetrate it.
And it’s left me an emotional cripple for almost my entire life. I have a deep spiritual wound that does not heal. It has left me too weak to look after myself and advocate for my own needs.
And there sure as fuck wasn’t anyone around to do it for me, or even help me do it. I was left to raise myself, and breaking news, CHILDREN MAKE TERRIBLE PARENTS.
No guidance. No direction. No encouragement. No affection. No…. anything.
I keep going through this with my therapist. Most people have bad voices in their head. Words someone said that hurt them, the disapproving tone of an emotionally withholding parent, the criticisms of a negative relative, etc etc.
Not me. What I have, for the most part, is silence.. Death. Nullity.
I have my bad tapes too. My sister telling me I was useless when I wasn’t even in school yet. My parents airily telling me not to “spring” problems on them. Teachers saying whatever it took to get me to leave while clearly not considering my welfare worth the trouble of actually doing something about the bullying.
A certain teacher telling me none of the VFS faculty would recommend me for any kind of job ever.
But it’s the silent void that hurts the most. Day after day, year after year of absolutely nothing, total social isolation, all recorded with pinpoint precision by this oh so amazing brain of mine.
I wish I’d made more of a nuisance of myself.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.