Still feeling pretty good. But my appetite just crashed.
That’s been happening now and then lately. My appetite will just vanish suddenly. It’s like a steel trap shuts somewhere just under where food exits my stomach,
Luckily, there is not much nausea (at least by my queasy standards). And it falls to zero appetite, where I have no interest in food, as opposed to negative appetite, where the very concept of eating is repulsive.
And to be honest, it makes for a refreshing change from my usual state of hyperphagy. I am ashamed to admit it, but I have just gotten used to being super hungry all the god damned time. It should be a signal that I need insulin ASAP.
But it ain’t. Or at least, it hasn’t been.
I suppose I can say that one of my New Year’s resolutions is to take better care of myself. But I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself.
Call it a plan instead. That seems about right.
Actually, fuck that weaksauce.
In 2020, I will take better care of myself.
That’s more like it!
Been getting back to Fallout 4. Finally got totally sick of Fallout New Vegas and its gross limited palette and all the rest.
So I figured, time to go forward to Fallout 4.
It’s still one of my fave PC titles of all time. Only Witcher 3 truly surpasses it, and that’s because of Witcher 3’s amazing writing and art direction.
Such wonderful grimdark.
I’ve been installing the sexytimes stuff this morning, even though the sexytimes stuff for Fallout 4 is nowhere near as good as the stuff for Skyrim.
But we don’t talk about Skyrim.
There’s still fun to be had, but the system for it is rather clunky (powerful interface, but clumsy to use…. kind of ruins the spontaneity of lust) and I miss the carefree, sex with anything you want good times of other games.
It’s a cheerful place, that world of porn. Everyone can get down with whoever they like, whenever they like, wherever they like, and there aren’t all these artificial barriers getting in the way of people celebrating the joy of life via the miracle of sex.
That’s right, the miracle of sex. It’s miraculous that we all have this capacity for mindblowing pleasure and all it requires is a willing partner. The fact that two humans can have so much intimacy and pleasure and it doesn’t cost a dime, it doesn’t have to be earned, and it’s so amazingly rewarding blows my mind.
That’s why I am such a libertine freak.
Well, that and the fact that I am extremely perverted and want my every wicked desire to be fulfilled.
But I want that kind of freedom for everyone else, too. I think the world would be a much better place if it was more like my dreams.
There should be the equivalent of gay baths (but for all gender combinations) everywhere. They should be as common as gyms.
And everywhere understands that you go there when you are horny and are looking for a playmate or ten.
People would be so much happier and more fulfilled and have so much more love for one another from, well…. loving one another.
But that’s just my crazy Utopian dream.
If I am ever rich and famous, I will at least make it a reality on a small scale.
Say, the size of my mansion and grounds.
Dare to dream, huh?
More after the break.
Time to order in, like I do every Saturday.
Problem is, I still have zero appetite. That’s going to make it kind of hard to decide what I want, because to be honest, I don’t want anything.
This is becoming a concern. One low appetite meal is an aberration but two in a row makes me suspicious. Perhaps something more is going on now.
It’s tempting to blame the antibiotic I am on, azithromycin. The literature for it seems to say that the main concern re : side effects is gastrointestinal distress. So it would be plausible to imagine that it’s the thing that is mucking up my appetite.
Problem is, I am pretty sure I had zero appetite before I took the pill, while I was writing about it earlier today.
Plus, I am feeling a little lightheaded and I don’t think it’s just because I was just masturbating (without success).
Though I am sure that…. does not help. What can I say, I was bored waiting for my computer to reboot. So I started browsing my porn collection and one thing led to another and I took the situation firmly in hand.
What the hell, it’s the only expression my sexuality gets. And most of the time, it ain’t that great. I mean, it’s fun and all, but leaves me tired and frustrated after.
And you know what? I could sit here and once more talk about how crazy I am to get me some cock and how I wish I could go to the baths like a regular fag (social anxiety says no, as does claustrophobia) and how I dream of being rich enough to have pretty boys offering me hot cock on tap all the time and so forth and so on.
But that’s not the real issue. The real issue is that society makes it impossible, or at the very least incredibly dangerous, to pursue my real, actual sexuality.
My fantasies along those lines have taken a dark turn lately. I fear that I am entering that phase of life that makes middle aged men unable to suppress their true sexuality any more and causes them to do stupid things that wreck their lives.
It is what happens when any biological drive builds up unexpressed. Whether it’s lust, hunger, or the need to take a shit, eventually the body takes over from the mind and the individual does something life-ruining without even deciding to do so.
Our free will is always a rental. We rent it from our base animal natures and as long as we keep making the payments, everything is fine.
But get too far behind on those payments, and the magic of civilization loses all its power and we lose control.
And I hope that never happens to me.
But the only surefire way to prevent that is to give it what it wants.
And we all know that’s not going to happen like….. ever.
And I don’t know what to do about that.
Sooner or later, it’s gonna happen.
I kinda hope I die before it goes that far.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.