Sounds like a creepy kids’ game,doesn’t it? [1]
What it refers to is this feeling I have been suppressing for the last two or three days. It’s a dark, spooky, depressed kind of feeling, like a shadow or a ghost, and it’s always lurking around the periphery of my consciousness, waiting to suddenly flood my mind with negative energy and nastiness.
Obviously, the only way to win this game is to give in and just let whatever is trying to happen, happen. I severely doubt that there is any way to get rid of it otherwise.
But it’s hard to suppress the urge to suppress it.
Besides, dodging it is kind of fun.
I assume that it’s the specter of some emotion that got activated in me recently that I could not handle at the time, and my mind is trying to process it now but that silly conscious mind of mine keeps putting it off.
Maybe this is how it has to be. I certainly don’t feel like “just letting it happen” is actually an option right now. There’s something else I have to do first in order to open myself to the experience, or maybe just tire myself out enough to stop resisting.
I could go either way.
It’s definitely a cold, spooky kind of feeling. Like someone stepped on my grave, which is quite a trick, because I don’t have one yet.
Besides, I’m still alive. Ish. Sorta kinda.
Granted, I don’t feel alive most of the time. The numbness inside prevents that. At best, I occasionally end up feeling fairly okay-ish.
Dunno what makes that happen. If I did, I would be doing it ALL THE TIME. As far as I can tell, it is completely random.
By sheer luck, the chemical maelstrom in my head cancels itself out and I get to spend a short but lovely time feeling like a living human being.
Is that how sane people feel all the time? Because it’s quite lovely. For once, the cold winds of my depression stop blowing and I can feel the sun on my skin and actually manage to warm up a little.
But then it’s back to business as usual : chill fog, cold winds, and frostbite.
Still, at least I can imagine being alive. I can remember feeling wholesome and connected and warm. I believe that it is possible for me. I will be there again some day, maybe even to stay.
I know that I am not entirely dead. I know that under all the scar tissue and freezer burn, there is live healthy tissue and a living beating heart that might not be that strong, but it manages to pump enough blood to keep me nominally alive.
And sometimes, it even lets me heal a little. Not a lot. But enough to make life worth living, knowing that some day, I might truly be free of this plague of evil and be able to walk in the sunlight and feel the wind on my skin and be free.
More after the break.
Friggin’ Chinese food.
I have bitched about this before, so I will be quick. Here I am, in the middle of Richmond, British Columbia, Canada, which has one of the largest ethnic Chinese populations outside of Beijing, and I can’t get Chinese food.
Or rather, I can…if I want to pay $30 minimum just to get it delivered. Or I can… but the combos start at “Dinner for Two”: and that is…. you guessed it… $30. Or I can… but it’s some regional cuisine like Hong Kong which I do not recognize and is not what I am looking for when I get a craving for some Chinese food.
And it’s so damned frustrating.
Admittedly, needing a combo I can afford is on me. I am just not capable of facing the bewildering number of options on your average Chinese menu.
Option paralysis overload means brain crash. Ctrl-C to continue.
It’s on them too though, because every dish is $15 minimum. Now either that is a fuckton of food, in which case it’s only mildly overpriced, or it’s what I would consider a normal portion, in which case it’s waaaaayyyy overpriced.
Anyhow, the skinny is that I once more gave up on Chinese food and ended up ordering sushi from good ol Ninkazu again.
It’s not the same thing. I was hardcore craving some sweet and sour pork and fried wontons. But it will have to do.
At least soy sauce will be involved.
Still feeling pretty haunted. And out of sync. Ever since I woke up from my afternoon nap, I have felt like I am watching a movie where the audio is very slowly drifting out of sync with the video. Not so much that you can say, for sure, they are out of sync. Just enough to fuck with your perception of time.
I hate it when that happens.
And I can’t help but wonder what it is like to be stable. To not wake up in random brain states where reality feels different and alien and faintly hostile. Or one where people and their emotions don’t seem real. Or one where you feel paranoid as fuck because some part of your mind is sure something terrible is going to happen any moment now.
And yeah, you know that isn’t true. But that doesn’t take the feeling away.
For me, that’s just how life is. Unstable. Smaller wonder, then, that I cling to whatever exterior stability I can find.
Something, somewhere, has to stay the same.
And this is just depression/anxiety. Imagine if I was schizophrenic. Then my reality would not just feel unstable, it would BE unstable.
And that would be scary beyond enduring. One of my worst fears is losing connection to reality and being completely at the mercy of the forces of evil inside my head.
I would be completely fucked then.
Guess I better defeat those forces of evil before that happens.
Because ya never know.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.