Feeling pretty cranky right now.
Woke up with a headache and that’s put me in a grumpy mood. My head hurts and that makes everything else hurt as well. I have the urge to lash out at the world that is causing me all this pain.
And the thing is, I know this. Which is what makes me such a weirdo. I am pretty sure that a normal person would just be cranky in this fix I am in. They would be surly and difficult to get along with until he pain passed.
And sure, it would be easy for me to look down on such people as being irresponsible and childish compared to a paragon of self-control and restraint like myself.
But those people would vent their emotion of the moment whereas I just let it build up inside me and add to the backlog choking the bloody life out of me, so who is really coming out ahead?
Maybe I would be far better off in the long run if I just let loose. But I can’t do that.
What if it makes people not like me any more? Then they would go away and I would be abandoned and alone and we all know that is worse than death.
No, I have to be super nice and sweet and fun and funny at all times so that people will like me enough to stick around despite how awful I really am.
Got to work hard to keep everyone fooled, including myself.
So in no way am I allowed to be merely human. That’s for other people. I have to be something spectacular and amazing all the time, while also being pathetic and therefore appealing to potential caretakers.
It’s a fine line to tightrope across.
And true, it means I have no idea who I really am. Who I would be if I could just relax all my safeguards and just be myself.
That would mean acting on emotion like, most of the time, and who knows what would happen then? And as we all know, the unpredictable and the horrible are almost the same thing. Only the controlled and therefore predictable can be trusted. Everything else is chaos and madness and a giant invitation for the world to fuck me over.
I mean, that’s just common sense. Everyone operates on the assumption that the entire universe will fuck them over any chance it gets, right?
I honestly can’t imagine being any other way. In theory, I suppose, I can posit the possibility of a version of me that feels safe, but I can’t imagine truly believing in it.
Not without my being a hell of a lot richer, anyhow. Amazing how that works. The more money I have, the more relaxed and safe I feel, as if the money was insulation against the cold hard winds of harsh reality.
I’ve always understood what made Scrooge hoard money. He was trying to shut out the world he thought of as harsh and unfair.
Problem is, the real problem is a lack of self-esteem and emotional stability. It’s not the real world that is harch and cruel, it’s one’s emotional landscape.
The call is coming from inside the house, dude.
More after the break.
On loose energy
Still feeling kind of irritable. Not as much as before, but still. And it’s got me thinking about why this happens to me.
I think that at some point, my body drew on its reserves of energy in order to face the day, but it withdrew more than my sedentary lifestyle could hope to drain.
So I have this excess energy rattling around in my bloodstream, looking for an outlet. And until it finds it, I am going to feel tense and nervous and like I want to pounce on something and subdue it.
The obvious solution would be to find something non-sedentary to do that would dissipate that energy so I can freaking relax.
And I am not saying that there is anything wrong with that solution, but at this moment, my issues and my depression make that impossible.
But I am closer than I have ever been before to being able to do that kind of thing. I have been drilling a tunnel to my energy supplies for a long time now and I feel like I am only a few feet away right now.
There’s just a bit more of that icy cold fear of change and things uncontrolled and therefore unpredictable left to go before I can finally believe what I know to be true :
That getting some exercise into my life will not only make me healthier in the long run, it will reduce my tension levels immediately.
I even experimented with this by doing 25 of my weird vertical push-ups on the way back from a water refill trip and I am pretty sure I actually felt my tension level drain.
So even if all I did was add that to my various trips to the kitchen or the bathroom, I would probably do myself a hell of a lot of good.
And the great thing is, the benefit is immediate. Exercising in that way makes me feel better. It is inherently rewarding.
I think this explains why I feel so much better after I have been out and about sometimes too. It’s not just that I have been getting some fresh air for a change – although that’s a big deal too.
It’s that the increased energy drain has allowed me to relax some, and now everything is pumping and circulating and refreshing itself.
Suddenly I get why people talk about feeling better after having gone for a walk or a jog or a ride on the ol’ bicycle.
The trick, I think, is to stop seeing life the depressive way, where you are always trying to make the most of a very small supply of energy, and instead see each day as coming with a certain amount of energy you have to spend if you want to relax and enjoy life.
Break the siege mentality, basically, and realize that not using your energy does not stockpile it for a rainy day.
It just makes you tense and miserable.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.