I’ve talked about butterflies here before, right?
About how the truly amazing part of the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly to me is that transitional point where the caterpillar crawls into its cocoon and turns into goo.
The caterpillar is dead and gone and the butterfly does not yet exist. It’s the stage in between. And the first step of the transformation is for the caterpillar to surrender all form so that it can be born anew as a butterfly.
And that means becoming goo. Goo that knows how to become a butterfly.
Well I have been feeling fairly gooey lately. I feel like I am going through a period of transformation and that means surrendering old structures and reverting to a more primitive state in order that I might evolve into a newer, better adapted form.
It’s evolution in action, folks. You heard it here first.
So I am trying not to fight it. It would be easier if I had a nice warm cocoon to curl up in so I could sleep through the whole thing, but alas, I do not, and therefore I have to be awake and alive and trying to make it through the day while the renovations occur.
So things have been a good deal more random for me lately. Random emotions, random health, random mind states upon waking, and random sleep so intense and dream filled that when I wake up I feel like I just fell to Earth from space.
That’s how things were yesterday.
Well, whatever. It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that my relative stability over the years was not just artificially created but downright maladaptive and that therefore in order to get better, I am going to have to undo a lot of those ill adaptations and that means getting sicker for a while.
Three steps forward. two steps back, twist, twirl, get dizzy, fall over, get back up and look around hoping nobody saw that.
I honestly don’t care what happens in the short term. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I am way beyond considering anything about my current configuration sacred, let alone being more important than my happiness.
Go ahead, change. Do what thou wilt. I am so far overdue for a transformational change that if I were a library book, the late fees would be enough to cripple a small nation’s economy for generations to come.
So like…. whatever. I am so very sick of this stupid little life of mine that going full goose bonkers seems like a refreshing change of pace.
Hell, I don’t even care if I end up in the psych ward any more. Might be the best thing for me. At least I would be doing something with my life.
Something visible, anyhow. I would finally be a full time loonie and expected to do A, B, and C in order to get well, and as long as I did those things, I would be okay.
Instead, I lead a directionless, pointless life where I never feel like I am doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing and I am plagued by constant feelings of failure and incompetence and utterly incapable of facing the nightmare of infinite possibilities that stretches before me and mocks my attempts to make any kind of useful decision.
There has to be some way to face this sea of options and by opposing end them.
In fact, there’s probably a hell of a lot of way to do it.
Now I just have to pick which one…..hmmm, choices, choices…
More after the break.
Round 2 is all new
Well maybe not ALL new.
Recently in Divinity : Original Sin 2, I decided to start over, even though I hadn’t even made it to the third chapter yet.
I was having a lot of trouble with the final battle of Chapter 2, and I couldn’t avoid the thought that I had screwed up somehow because I was nowhere near powerful enough for the fight.
Which was kind of a problem because I had fought literally every other enemy in that chapter, so there was no enemies left to fight and hence no XP yet to get.
So if I couldn’t do it then, I was pretty much fucked.
Ergo, I started over. It’s been somewhat tedious going through Chapter 2 again, but this time I am playing a custom character – an elf wizard – and my word but it is going well.
Not sure what I am doing right but I’m kicking serious amounts of ass in every fight. I’m rolling over these enemies.
It might be because at first, I was giving the “Lone Wolf” build a try. There’s an ability you can get called “Lone Wolf” which gives you massive bonuses to everything just as long as you only have one or fewer companions.
Yes, you can be a Lone Wolf and still have a partner. It’s a perfect representation of the uniquely American dilemma of wanting your hero both to be a cool rugged individualist loner while also having people to be dominant over.
After all,. the only difference between loner and loser is the letter S.
Oh, and loners prove they are not losers by having people under them. While still technically being loners because somehow, the others don’t count.
Anyhow, I was trying out the whole Lone Wolf thing and that might have let my advanced faster than normal.
Or I am just way, way better at playing a spell chucking Wizard than I am at playing a sword wielding Knight like I was before.
Come to think of it, I have done well playing damage dealing Wizards in other games too. How very interesting.
Perhaps it’s my calling.
Anyhow, that’s what is new in this absurd circus sideshow I call a life. A never-ending distraction from the fgim reality of a life that would be a lot less grim if I didn’t spend most of my time distracting myself from it.
But that’s addiction for you, isn’t it?
There’s got to be a better way for me to live.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.