What shall I talk about… my rage, or video games?
Maybe a little of both.
On the video game front, I did end up returning Dragon’s Dogma. It was really the only way to resolve the conflict. Maybe in doing so I denied myself the experience of a truly amazing game with the best combat system ever, but whatever.
I am content to remain blissfully ignorant of the potential loss in favour of finally moving forward and getting something new.
That something is a game that for many years I only knew as the punchline to jokes about games that took a really powerful PC to run : Crysis.
I’ve only just purchased and downloaded it, so I dunno whether I like it or not, but it sounds pretty interesting and seems like it will make a good contrast to all the Divinity : Original Sin 2 I am still playing because it’s a first person shooter and DOS2 is an isometric RPG with turn based combat.
And to be honest, as much as I am still enjoying the heck out of DOS2, I have also been craving something more action oriented and exciting and realtime, as well as something 3D and hence more “real” feeling.
Crysis seems to fit those specs to a T, and with a 91 percent rating on Metacritic, it comes highly recommended. So I figure I will give it a shot.
And if it turns out I don’t like it, I’ll return it. Steam’s easy return policy is really my best friend in matters such as these, and theirs too because I am far more likely to buy a game if I know I can return it if I don’t like it, and from their point of view it doesn’t matter which game they sell me as long as they get to keep my money.
It’s not like me switching games costs them anything.
As for the rage, it continues to burn hot and bright, like a stellar fragment lost in a dark and twisted nebula.
Remember folks, this is your one stop shop for the nerdiest metaphors on the internet.
All the venting I have been doing lately has had some effect, though. I can feel the difference. I still have a lot to get off my chest in terms of bitterness, anger, and so on, but I can tell the pressure inside me had been reduced.
After the break, I will take another stab at pouring my darkness out onto the page, where it can be contained and warehoused like the toxic biohazard it is.
The tricky bit is integrating it into my sense of self. Venting is all well and good for reducing internal pressure and making room in my head for the mental operations needed for me to be sane, but in the long run, I will need to re-imagine myself as someone who is sometimes angry about stuff and that’s okay.
The more I look at the self-image I have been working with for all these years, the more it seems like something a child drew – colorful, but not at all realistic.
Clearly, I need to do better.
Now to go have a Crysis.
More after the break.
After My Crysis
So far, the game is pretty good.
It’s hard. I die a lot. It’s definitely not a mindless shooter. You have to use some a[ctual tactical wisdom, just like rel commandos in the field.
And so I need to learn to think before acting and plan things ahead somewhere. That, to put it mildly, had never been my strong suit.
Well, to be more specific, planning on the fly has never been my strong suit. Given time to work things out in my head, I can be quite good at planning ahead, but in realtime I quite simply lack the instinct for it.
But I am learning. The game is hard but forgiving. You don’t have a lot of health and armor, at least at first, but it regenerates quite quickly when you are not being shot or otherwise wounded by something.
I’ve played other games with that setup. Like that Far Cry game I played on the Xbox. It keeps things moving quickly and smoothly, and makes the firefights a matter of timing and knowing when ot duck back and regenerate.
And that feel real-ish to me.
Earlier, a little voice in my head kept whining that the game was too hard and that I should return it and get something easier.
But fuck that. That’s loser thinking. I am going to persist and adapt.
Oh, and then there’s this :
That hits pretty damned close to home. I mean, not only to I have a mask like that, he has his own origin, back story, and name.
His name is Fruvous as he is cute and waggy and everyone loves him. He is cheerful and funny and affectionate and in short, he is everything I want to be.
And he is me. Only, not really. He is a version of me, perhaps. A facet of me. A carefully cultivated image of someone I wish I could be in the real world. Someone I hope to be someday once I get my shit sorted and disposed of.
But he, too, is a child’s portrait of a self. He’s a great deal of fun to pretend to be and I can’t imagine life without being him on a regular basis, but I know in many ways he is holding me back at least as much as he is helping.
In many waysm I have developed him at the expense of developing myself.
And that’s just not right. It’s not good for me. I am a victim of my own richly developed fantasy life and spend most of my time there as opposed to going out into the world and exploring myself and finding out who I really while I find (or make) a place for myself.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t give up my computer entirely.
But I could never be that strong.
After all, without a computer, how would I blog?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.