Just got back from therapy.
Yes, on a Friday, but it’s back to Thursdays next week.
And it was a pretty damned good session. Really got my emotions flowing freely, which is my clear (ish) and defined (ish) goal in therapy now.
Of course, I only really got things going near the end of the session. That is, sadly, par for the course for me. Perhaps, on some subliminal level, I need the threat of this pathway for expression of my innermost feelings closing soon in order to break out of my usual ennui and actually frogging express myself for once.
And not the usual half-fake way of expressing myself either. The real deal.
That’s one of the things that came up today. We were examining why I got so damned mad when talking with Ross last week and that lead to my talking about how I don’t usually open up to people – not really – because when I have tried in the past, people have been overwhelmed by it and acted more to protect themselves than to help me.
Which is fair enough, I suppose. I have a powerful effect on people and they have to keep themselves safe first before they can help me.
But it’s still very frustrating. I can’t really confide in anybody. Even my therapist can only handle a partial dose of me.
We also talked about hyperlexia, which I don’t think I have mentioned here before. I stumbled across it recently and it kind of spoke to me.
Basically, it’s a developmental issue that is marked by a precocious ability to read.
Hello! I could read before I was three. When I entered elementary school, I could already read at a grade four level and do math up to but not including long division.
With some children, this presents alongside a form of autism spectrum disorder. And while I do not consider myself autistic or even Aspergers’s, I also think I am on that general spectrum somewhere.
What I find REALLY interesting is that according to that Wiki article, one study suggests that hyperlexia sometimes presents alongside a visual spatial learning disorder.
Hello! I have definitely had one of those for my whole life too. There has always been this weird disconnection between my eyes and my hands and between my brain and the spatial, absolute world.
Anyhow, I explained this to my therapist and talked about how I could read at such an absurdly early age and what that said about me.
And near the end, I started really venting about how my amazing talents never countered my feeling of not even deserving to exist because nobody in my life had ever treated them like they were worth anything.
Instead, they treated them as a problem for them personally, because they made me harder to teach and made me unable to fit in with the other students as well.
So to this day, it’s hard for me to value my objectively quite astounding mental abilities. My intelligence, my creativity, my wit, my charm…. big fucking deal.
I mean, sure, I’m a wizard, but I am the saddest. loneliest wizard around.
If only I could make my loneliness and depression disappear.
More after the break.
A sudden chill
What the hell, man.
I was laying in bed, very mellowed out, lights out, listening to music, maybe a qurter asleep at most, when sudden I got this horrible chill.
This happened once before. And like that other time, it only happened once, thank God.
Because if that shit happened over and over, I am pretty sure it would shatter my sanity.
And the worst part is that I was in such a good mood before now. I was content, relaxing, recharging my mental batteries, at peace with the world and then wham.
I feel my blood run cold throughout my entire body. Instantly.
That’s so goddamned unfair.
And now I am all freaked out and paranoid and feel sick from the anxiety attack I am having, and I’m not sure if I want to go out with my friends to Subway like I was going to do around 20 minutes or so from now, because I feel so fucking fragile right now.
I mean, what the effing bejesus just happened?
Did I just have a stroke or a heart attack or something? Did I have some kind of spasm? Was by body so unaccustomed to my being in a good mood that it freaked out in protest of the bizarre, alien condition?
I find myself fumbling around trying to find my sanity. I swear, I just had it… look around, it can’t have gone far. Careful not to step on it though, it’s awfully small….
I don’t think I will be going out tonight. Which means I need to get up from my desk and tell Joe this like…. right now.
I will be right back.
Well, that’s it. The boom has been lowered. The die has been cast. The Gordian knot has been cut. The pink choo choo has pulled out of Flower Time Station and is now puking by the side of the road.
It’s not a pretty sight.
I imagine that I will eventually order in. I just signed up for Foodora Canada and I am eager to try them out.
I checked them out because I saw the name on the door to the local 7-11, saying they delivered for 7-11 now.
And I was happy to see it because I had just been thinking that my determination to not give Uber Eats any money because of how they treated my pal Led was slipping and they were doing the delivering for 7-11 before now.
So when I saw the new sticker on the door I was like, score!
So then I check out the website and holy cheese and crackers, they have places that deliver for only 99 cents with NO MINIMUM.
Presumably, on Foodora, restaurants have figured out that lowering the onramp for ordering is a GOOD thing, and I bet some of them are even paying the delivery people themselves in order to attract new business.
So once i feel a little more human, I will order through them.
I hope they take cash ’cause I only have $8 in my account right now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.