In other words, I couldn’t think of a title.
Just got back from therapy. It went alright. Told him about being pretty depressed for the last few days, maybe more. Feeling all raw and weak and painfully numb. Compared it to having frostbite all over one’s body,
But I suppose people of this region don’t have a lot of lived experience of frostbite.
When I was growing up, frostbite was how you learned where the chinks in your winter armor of sweaters, parkas, scarfs, mittens et al were.
I vividly remember having frostbite in a very precise V shape on my neck from the gap between my scarf and the top of my parka collar.
That was fun.
So I talked about my two recent health scares : the lump on the back of my neck, which I am pretty sure is growing in size and getting hotter, and the fucked up business with my right big toe which I will not go back into because it was hard enough to talk about it with him and I am going to have to talk about it again with my GP tomorrow and in the meantime I don’t want to talk or think about it at all.
One small thing : took a lot at the toe and it seems to be healing nicely. So that’s good.
I feel somewhat better today than I did earlier this week. Perhaps it’s because I got a little sunshine and fresh air today. I dunno.
Plus, 7-11 has this deal where you get a cheddar smokie (which are beef not pork now, apparently) and crinkly cut fries for something like $4.50, and when I got it today, I realized this is the first time I have been able to have a hot dog and fries as a meal since I was a kid and that made me very happy.
Sometimes, it’s the little things that end up meaning oh so much to us.
I remember that when I was living on my own, one of my all time favorite meals was hot dogs and french fries. I would put them both on the cookie tray and baked them together, and when it was time to flip the fries, the hot dogs would be fully cooked and I would set them aside on a plate.
Either that, or I would wait till it was time to flip the fries before adding the hot dogs, and then everything would finish together.
And this meal always made me very happy. And seeing as it was not exactly a nutritious meal, I have to assume that most of that happiness was psychological in origin.
Damn it, I just ate a hot dog and fries and now I am craving it all over again!
It wouldn’t be hard to arrange. Oven fries are cheap. Hot dogs are cheap. I suppose I would have to deal with our oven’s eccentric ways, where in order to get the oven to turn back on after you have opened the door you have to thump it quite firmly.
That is such a pain in the ass, and it’s one of the things that discourages me from getting back into baking,
But maybe some day. Would be nice to have tons of home made baked treats lying around again. And it would save me money because i wouldn’t be buying $10-$12 of Voortman products every week.
Or maybe not. I don’t know.
Nap time! there will be….
More after the break.
Still in a pretty shitty mood.
Frustrated, angry, restless… the usual. I think the root cause may be a sinus headache I have been wrestling with all day, but I think something bigger is going on as well.
I think something big is moving within me. Some long denied emotions have managed to break the surface of my pool of consciousness and are struggling to find a way to be expressed, and are not going to go away until they are.
I can live with this. My emotions really do need a stronger voice and the ability to bully their way into my consciousness if their needs are not being met.
It’s not pleasant time to be me, to put it mildly. But I know this is all leading somewhere. Something important is struggling to be born, and it’s going to cause me a lot of pain and fear on its way out.
Well, birth is always a bloody and painful affair.
But I believe in transcendence. I believe that from great pain can come great bliss when the transition is completed and the new you is born unto the world. I think that we all have the capacity for transformation. Even stick in the mud rational materialists who lean way too hard on their emotional cutoff switches can be reborn.
It just takes us longer.
And I truly long for rebirth. I long to be fresh and clean and new and healthy and strong. I want to shed this sick and corrupted skin and face the world all pink and wet and new.
And reason sure as fuck isn’t going to get me there. I have to do it all by feel. Luckily, I am getting better at that.
After all, all I basically did last night at comedy was trust my instincts, and it went fantastic. I might just have a natural gift for comedy.
Clearly, I need to go with my gut more often. Think less, feel more, indeed. And the great thing about going with your gut is that even if you fall flat on your face and end up wondering what the fuck you thinking for years to come, it is at least a real experience.
And it’s just occurred to me now how badly I need things that make my world – the real, physical, immediately world I inhabit – feel more real to me
It would go a long way towards making me feel more grounded and less lost.
The world is real. It really is. I know it often doesn’t seem that way to me because I spend all my time in this room, in this chair, ignoring the real world in favour of the one inside my computer and hardly ever feeling the wind, or smelling wild scents, or otherwise letting the real, natural world into my tightly guarded mind space.
But there really is a real world out there, one that won’t go away if I stop paying attention to it, one I can count on to keep being there no matter what.
I just need to find a place to drop my anchor….
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.