Bad sleep. Mental fog. Blah.

Pursuant to my recent musing on the subject, I’ve been pondering ways to become more grounded in reality.

It’s one of those things that seems super easy and nearly impossible at the same time.

Super easy in that one might think that all one would have to do is sit and focus one’s attention on one’s physical environment and all the details of it. Think of it as a kind of meditation, but instead of focusing inwards, you focus outwards.

So reverse meditation, in a sense.

But of course, it’s not that simple. For one thing, the idea of doing that scares me. It would mean deliberately leaving the deep dark hole in which I hide from the world.

That is both the point and the challenge of it all. I have squatted in this hole of mine for so long that the idea of leaving it fills me with irrational fear.

Like if I do so, something terrible will SEE me and be able to GET me. Somehow.

Plus, I have tuned my mind to filter out physical stimulation and hyper focus on mental stimulation via media consumption for so long that it’s very hard to imagine moving the dial on that even a little.

The problem is that we are talking about a very deep level of mentation to be tinkering with. The place where sensory input is assembled into consciousness is not something to be trifled with.

But that’s just the depression talking, methinks. It knows that my extending my mind further into the real world and away from my mental cage threatens it.

But I am not my depression and it is not me. What threatens it does not threaten me.

Repeat until believed.

I want things to threaten my depression. And not just threaten in it. I want things to grind it down until it’s gone forever.

But who would I be without it? Where would I be? How could I possibly survive that level of exposure?

Dunno. But willing to find out, more often than not.

Opening the mind’s eyes is never easy and always involves fear and pain.The secret is to do it slowly but firmly. Slowly, so that the mind’s eye had time to adjust and no part of it triggers a sensory overload response, but firmly in that there is no going back.

Man, the words are not coming easy for me right now. I am still so tired. When I am done blogging, I am going right back to bed, no questions asked or answered.

I figure I must need it pretty bad. Which means I have had poor sleep quality lately.

So what else is new?

Oh, and speaking (sorta) of health, I emailed the province about what glucometers are supported by my MSP and whether or not they support the new implantables.

Unfortunately, I did it last night, so I likely won’t get a reply before Tuesday,

But the important part is that the wheels are in motion to get me a glucometer.

So that’s good.

I think I will go lay down now.

More after the break.

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Japanese Food ≠ Sushi

Got myself a Japanese feast from a place called Toku Japanese Restaurant tonight. And it’s a lot of food for the $24.15 I paid for it, so unless some of it turns out to he horrible, I imagine I will be ordering from them again in the future.

You know, sometimes when I am about to eat an “ethnic” meal ^[1], I like to imagine that somewhere there is someone from that meal’s country of origin sitting down to eating a meal of “ethnic” food like a hamburger, fries, and a shake. \

What can I say? I adore perspective. For me, seeing things from a different and unique point of view is inherently pleasurable.

After all, if you only see things from one angle, you only know what one side of it looks like. To really get the picture you have to see it from lots of angles.

Oh, and so far I am LOVING Toku’s food. My miso soup was far richer and tastier than the usual thin broth, and my beloved kappa maki (cucumber roll) is so damned fresh and tasty I want to marry it.

This is already head and shoulders above other sushi places and I haven’t even made it out of the appetizers yet.

In other news, I am encountering an issue that I faced before when I played a lot of Elder Scrolls Online (ESO),which is that by the time I make it to level 37 or so with a character, I start to get bored with playing that particular class and start getting the urge to start over with a new character.

And this is a little frustrating to me, because the logical and practical side of me says “But you’ve invested so much time and energy into building your current character up to this point! Why throw that all the way and start over?”.

Because I’m bored, that’s why. Eventually, the combat turns into the dreaded “grind” and playing the game starts to feel like work.

And seeing as the whole point of video games is to have fun, which is the opposite of work, something clearly has to change.

I mean, there’s a reason we say we play a video game, not that we work it.

Oh, and final review of my Toku meal : fabulous. The corn and potato korrokke (aka croquette) was delish, and my main course, a Teriyaki Rice bowl served in a neato two compartment container, is fab as well.

My only nitpick, and it’s the same one I have with practically every teriyaki anything I have ever had, and that’s that I wish there was more sauce.

When it comes to sauces I like, I want to really taste them. I have been somewhat of a sauce and condiment enthusiast since I was a kid, which led to me being targeted for shame by my older siblings for this fucking thing :

… and that means I want a lot more sauce on my teriyaki than normal.

On the other hand, my teriyaki included a lot of vegetables too, which is aces in my books. A lot of places you get the meat and that’s it.

But I want veggies, dammit.

Picked nits aside, it was a fab meal and I will definitely be ordering from them again.

Now, I will lay me down to happily digest.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.