Man am I tired of this sleepy bullshit.
I hadn’t taken my sleeping pill for a few days because I was already sleeping a lot and waking up all groggy and fucked up. so I figured my mirtazapine would only make it a whole lot worse.
But this morning, I decided I was being foolish about the whole thing and took the frigging pill already.
And as far as I can tell, it didn’t make any difference. Didn’t make things any worse, which is good. But it didn’t make them better, either.
I guess I slept a little bit better?
On pure whim, I downloaded a free to play game called Paladins. It’s a first person shooter type game. No single player campaign, so I doubt I will keep it for very long.
Multiplayer competition means very little to me. I am a narrative beast, and I need story. Mere competition is boring as hell to me.
Like, why would I even care who wins when nothing is at stake?
I want to be a hero. To do good. Competition is too zero sum for me.
Oh right, emotional coldness. That’s what I was going to talk about.
Basically, I have blamed my emotionally cold life on others, but in light of recent revelations, I have to ask myself if I could have been reached at all.
Yeah, that. When I was raped at the age of 4, I retreated into my mind as a defense and that took me to a very cold dark place from which I have yet to recover.
So I was a hard to reach kid. Very little could make it through the thick layer of scar tissue around my heart. It would have taken someone of extraordinary patience and kindness to truly get through to me.
And it makes me feel so foolish to think of how adroitly I dodged the very emotional connections that might have rescued me from my cold and lonely state.
And once the rot had truly set in, forget about it. Plenty of people tried to help me, but it didn’t take long for them to realize how hard it was to deal with me, and they would give up and go away.
And the really sick part is that part of me would be relived. Phew. Finally, this person who was pressuring me to open up and thus making me anxious is gone. Now I can go back to the bleak and terrible life which I hate.
Better the devil you know, I guess.
So I suppose I can’t blame people for not reaching me emotionally when I was so hard to reach. I was a very damaged kid and that damage cut me off from the world.
And it’s that damage I need to address if I am ever to escape my lonely little planet and go play with the big kids out in the sun.
And now, I have no choice but to lay back down and sleep some more despite wanting to stay up and have fun.
More after the break.
Mysteries of the Bathroom
Has this ever happened to you? (Please say yes. )
You feel the need to go to the bathroom. But you can’t. And need and discomfort build, and build, and then …. stop.
Suddenly, you don’t need to go nearly as bad. And, after a quick and desperately paranoid check, you are sure nothing actually came out of you.
And yet…. suddenly, relief.
And I mean…. that shouldn’t be possible. Right? The discomfort is caused by pressure and the only way the pressure goes down is if the substance causing it is released, so… what the hell happened?
I have so many questions :
• Was my bladder just faking it in order to get attention?
• Does my bladder have some sort of secret chamber that it only opens up in cases of dire emergency where it needs somewhere to shunt the excess urine in order to relive the pressure temporarily?
• Does the discomfort of the pressure cause me to tap into my latent transdimensional psychic powers and open a portal in my bladder to another dimension where people, I presume, are none too fond of me?
• Is there an alternate timeline where I wet myself and got relief that way, then simply shifted my consciousness back to the timeline where I didn’t?
I’m not going to mention my bowels.
Anyone with a more plausible theory is welcome to submit it, because I would really like to know whether my body performs miracles or not.
Is this your card?
Lost track of my all-important credit card again.
Went to get some cash out of an ATM at 7-11 and it was nowhere to be found. Luckily. I remembered that I had taken it out of my wallet as part of signing up for Uber Eats last night. So no panic yet, just the humiliation of having to borrow money from Joe.
A humiliation markedly similar to the kind I used to feel as a kid when I got home from school and realized I had forgotten my keys. The keys that were, as a result, now locked inside the house.
Then I got home and still could not find the card. Now, the panic set in. I was looking at a future where I had to report the card missing and be unable to get at most of my money until a new one arrived.
Luckily, I happened to spot it sitting on some things under my desk. So all is right in the world now. I assume that at some point, I knocked it off the desk, and at another point I accidentally kicked it under said desk,
Or maybe I did it as one smooth action of sublime klutziness. Who knows.
I mean, I have been a klutz for my entire life. I must be getting good at it by now.
That’s enough of my silly ass life for now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.