Been getting that restless and irritable feeling lately.
Like I am a zoo tiger in too small of a cage, pacing back and forth and just waiting for the first opportunity to rip someone’s face off.
So clearly, I need to do something. Got to discharge this energy somehow.
I could go look for a fight on the Cracked.com forums (fora?). I’ve been meaning to launch an invasion of that place soon anyhow. The idea is to sign in and look for places where I can show off how hilarious, hip, and observant I can be in the hopes of attracting the attention of the Cracked staff.
Of course,the main way I will do that is by trying to write for them,
One of the many ways in which they are awesome is that they do the vast majority of their content via open call. Anyone is free to pitch to them via the fora (forae?) and if they like your pitch, they green-light it, you write it, and you get paid.
Sounds good to me.
I will have to grapple with the research issue though. Their bread and butter is listicles and I would love to write those but I dunno how to do the initial research.
Like, I would love to do, say, “11 WTF Episodes Of 80’s Sitcoms”, but I would have no idea how to find said episodes.
My mind doesn’t work like that. I need something to prompt me to recall something, then I will recall that specific thing, and that’s it.
My mental database lacks tags.
I am sure this can be overcome, though. Part of the solution will be to try to saw through this mental block of mine by trying various tricks to acquire the Google Fu required.
I will also look around the forae (forices?) to see if it’s okay to post to one of them asking for entries to a list.
Then again, I could masturbate.
That’s always good clean fun, and if I am lucky, will help discharge this excess energy, among other things.
And what the hell. Even if I am not “successful”, it still feels good and raises my heart rate and so on, so it counts as aerobic exercise as well.
Or if I don’t feel like risking my nerves by trying to get off, I could cut out the (sexy, sexy) middleman and just exercise.
A radical idea, I know, but desperate times etc.
It’s a habit I want to inculcate, anyhow, as it is the best way to reduce blood sugar besides insulin. When you exercise, your muscles suck up and burn off that excess blood sugar, and that sounds more fun than insulin to me.
So when I am through blogging, I will get up and then (after, of course, taking a piss) do my usual vertical pushups and pacing for at least ten minutes.
And then I will take a blood sugar reading. Hopefully the exercise will lower it. I would find that very encouraging.
I am going to lower this goddamned high blood sugar if it kills me.
More after the break.
On not taking care of myself
It doesn’t just hurt me. It hurts everyone around me.
Because they can see me falling apart. Joe and Julian see the sores on my legs all the time due to my tendency to lounge around naked. It must be extremely painful for them to see me dying right before their eyes and not being able to do anything about it.
And I am so, so sorry about that.
Felicity doesn’t see the sores on my legs, but she knows about them from reading this blog, and she must be very worried about me too.
Sorry dear. I will try to do better in the future.
Luke worries about me to. Fair enough, I worry about him too.
We are both terrible at looking after ourselves. For me, it’s depression expressing itself a apathy and self-neglect – of not feeling like I am worth the effort.
For him, it’s depression expressing itself as being ornery as hell.
Well, he IS a porcupine. They’re… prickly.
So I apologize for all the people I have made watch as my house burns down with me in it and the fire department only a phone call away.
It tears me up inside to imagine putting people I love and who love me through that kind of pain and I promise I will keep that in mind in the future.
Now, an earlier and more ignorant version of myself would have said, “But if it bothered them, why didn’t they say something?”.
Because I am just plain not that approachable, that’s why. Despite my glowy shiny self-image as the epitome of user friendliness, understanding and gentle and kind, the truith is that talking to me about this kind of thing is not easy.
Why? There’s a number of factors, but they all boil down to how I project myself into the world when I am around others.
I’m a very intense dude.
Not in the glowering, brooding sense, More like I project my personality very intensely, especially my emotions, and this makes it kind of scary to talk with me.
I am a projecting (and receiving) empath, and that means that people are afraid to tell me things that might upset or anger me because that emotion will get blasted back at them like a gale force wind.
Plus there is that electrical field I pump out that tells people I am super smart. That could be very intimidating, especially to people who don’t know me and who maybe are not as intellectually self-confident as I am.
So no. I am not super approachable or easy to talk to. At best, I am easy to chat with, but anything more than that and I can be quite scary.
And it'[s high time I owned and took responsibility for that.
No more false innocence! I am not the innocent child I pretend to be.
Anyhow, one last time : I am extremely sorry for any pain, stress, worry, or distress I have caused those who love me with my self-neglect.
I promise to do better in the future. If not for me, then for you.
Because I might not be worth the effort…. but you are.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.