Well,in color, anyhow.
Hmmm. So that’s what I look like. I seem nice.
So yup, I have a working webcam once again. Which means I can make videos again, and I plan to do that very thing.
Sorry about the rough bits in the above video. I don’t currently have a working video editor, so I couldn’t edit them out.
I will fix that shortly.
My beloved (formerly Ulead, currently Corel) Video Studio is currently broken. Sad emoji. I looked up what the latest version would cost me.
Around $80 CDN, as it turns out. Ouch. Then again, I would then have a legit copy of the latest hotness and that could be seen as an investment in my future as a YouTube star of some sort.
Probably as a take no prisoners firebrand commenter, to be honest. There’s other directions I could go but that is the one that is calling to me.
I want to hit the YouTube political pundit scene like a motherfucking meteor strike, and lay waste to a lot of horrible ideas and toxic beliefs. I want to deny shelter to odious opinions. I want to wake the shame in the shameless and force thought upon the thoughtless and make all those iron hearts feel again.
And if that happens to also make me some money, that would be nice.
I particularly want to kick some right wing ass. There is a lot of bullshit floating around that calls for my cleansing fire to destroy and purify it. So much that needs to be said that only I (as far as I know) can say.
I know that sounds crazy. But it’s also true. I know that I could make a mighty big contribution to public discourse if I just got out there where people can hear me.
That’s always the tricky part, isn’t it? I know that I can make high quality content of many different sorts.
It’s getting people to notice it that has stymied me in the past. And not just because I am one lone voice in a world full of billions of others also trying to get people’s attention.
It’s actually mostly because I have to fight my own strong urge to remain hidden and not attract attention to myself. My heart equates hiding with safety and exposure with death, and so no matter how badly part of me wants to leap onto the world stage and shout “Huzzah!”, another part of me really, really, really doesn’t.
What I need is an agent. Someone who can do the bulk of the promoting for me. Or at least someone to break the deadlock of fear in my mind that keeps me frozen in place when I so much as contemplate exposing myself to the world.
You know what I mean.
But I know that somewhere inside of me there is a crazy wacky attention loving ham that forgets all fear in his zeal to make the world love him.
I just have to find him and finally let him out of his cage.
More after the break.
I’ll deal with that later
Like hell I will.
I’ve become more aware of how I freeze and store emotions that I don’t want to deal with. Recently, something (doesn’t matter what) provoked a surge of anxiety in me, and I very distinctly felt myself hit pause on the anxiety and then change the channel.
In fact, the image that occurred to me at the time was of some kind of missile launching system, like maybe the torpedo tubes of a modern sub. It was like I shoved the anxiety into a torpedo casing then hit the button to shunt that torpedo to the side and load a new, non anxious torpedo.
Not sure that image was worth the effort. Oh well, moving on.
This emotional procrastination of which I speak is quite deadly when it becomes your primary response to any kind of negative motion.
Sure, it seems like you made the emotion go away. But it’s still there. It’s just frozen. And the more and more frozen emotions you accumulate, the colder and more numb you get as a result.
Eventually, that cold numb feeling gets so strong that it turns into depression. You are far too numb to feel any kind of pleasure or joy from anything except things with an extremely high reward per effort value, you can’t feel the love and connection with other human beings that all humans need any more, and the lack of reward in your life convinces you that you must be a very, very bad person.
All because of this pattern of abusing your emotional cutoff switch.
Now I am not claiming this is something you, or I, can just stop doing. For one thing, it happens so quickly and at such a deep level of consciousness that attempting to stop yourself from doing it as it happens is like trying to quit blinking forever.
It requires a subtler solution.
I think the key is raising your tolerance for negative emotions. The root of the problem is that instead of simply enduring the negative emotions, you shunt them out of your consciousness and put them in cold storage.
Nested within that is the tendency to respond to negative emotions as emergencies that must be ended immediately, regardless of the cost.
This is understandable in those of us who have had traumatic events in our lives that created such enormous negative emotions that they threatened our very sanity.
But at some point, you have to start feeling all the things you have put off for so long.
That is more or less what therapy is about. Taking out those old emotions and feeling them in a safe environment is the only way to actually be rid of them and reduce the numbing chill inside so you can start to feel the world again.
I still find it hard to be something to do deliberately and directly, though. My mind is too good at hiding all the nasty stuff it had stored away from my conscious mind.
So I need help. Help from my therapist, and help from the wonderful person currently reading these words.
Without you, I couldn’t do this. I have to know that my words will be received or I just can’t even begin to write them down.
So in case I haven’t said it lately : I love you all. And you are helping me so much.
I will talk to you nice, wonderful, patient, understanding people again tomorrow.