Let’s lay this out nice and simple :
I take my Mirtazapine, I end up where I am right now : trying to eat and blog when I am super dragged out and sleepy and the words, they do not come easy.
Skip the pill, and I get to remain fairly awake, but over time the lack of truly deep sleep means I get more and more stressed and depressed.
Clearly, I need some kind of nuanced solution, because neither “pill good” or “pill bad” are cutting it any more.
I could try an alternating schedule. Take the pill on odd numbered days, skip it on even days, something along those lines.
And on pill days, start my blogging after I have caught up on sleep instead of doing it while I munch my lunch, when I will be all sleepy from the fucking pill.
I will think about it. Something has to change because I am so very sick of this sleepiness bullshit. It stresses me out and puts me in a bad mood.
I really should bring this up with Doctor Costin at some point. He’s the one who put me on the pill in the first place after I told him about not being able to stay asleep for longer than 2 hours at best.
Then again, I dunno what he can do about it. Originally, he wanted me only taking half a pill, but the goddamned pills are the size of a pinhead and there is no way I have the eyesight or dexterity to break one in half.
The real irony is that the pill doesn’t even help me get to sleep, which is what I really want. The sleeping pill of my dreams (so to speak) is one so strong that it can overwhelm my overpowered and overstimulated conscious mind and more or less force me to sleep.
But no sleeping pill I have ever tried has ever done that. It’s always taken just as long as ever to get to sleep and been just as tricky and easy to derail.
All the pill does is let me sleep for longer,and in return I get to deal with this bullshit.
I dunno. Maybe I can learn to be all Zen about it and not create inner conflict by fighting the sleepiness and instead learn to enjoy the sweet sleepiness and mellowness.
Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
Man, my morning entries are such a drag.
Well it’s 11 pm and I have 600 words to blog before midnight.
No problem. Let’s roll.
Godlike powers etc
Still chewing on this bone!
The thing is, no matter how I try to imagine how I would feel if I took the full power of possession over my advanced abilities, the answer is unacceptable.
Let’s forget about the floating off into space angle : how does a person who is way, way smarter than most people relate to others? How do you look down at people from your Olympian heights without losing all respect for them?
Because when I try to put myself in that scenario, the elitism I have dodged for my whole life comes on strong. My fellow humans begin to seem like children. Or pets. Beings that are no doubt charming in their own way, and as worthy of life and happiness and all good things as I am, but so mentally inferior to me that it hurts my head to try to even imagine trying to interact with them on their level.
And it’s not like I can bring them up to mine.
And I hate these elitist thoughts. I find them despicable. I passionately do not want to feel superior to others. I want everyone to get along in peace, love, and harmony. I don’t want to see my fellow humans as idiots or fools. I want to love everybody.
But I get the feeling that if I am to be a more genuine version of myself and therefore become a lot more comfortable in my own skin, I am going to need to go through these loathsome thoughts instead of merely suppressing them.
I can only hope that I come out the other side of them intact.
OK, so, here I am, way way up in my sky-scraping ice fortress, looking down at all the little people going about their lives below.
Oh, look how small they all seem from here. I could think rings around any one of them without even trying. See them blundering through life trampling on one another and blindly colliding with the same brick walls over and over again. How silly they seem. How childish. How very, very dull.
I mean, sure I can think rings around them. So what? It doesn’t mean anything. It certainly doesn’t make me any happier than they are.
After all, there’s a reason I am up here and they are down there. If I get too close to them, this ice fortress would melt and then where would I be?
Down there? With them? Like, actually among them, with no place to go to get away from them when I get freaked out by all the social stimulation?
Um, no thank you. Be glad that I am at least honest enough to admit that the problem is with me, not them. There’s nothing wrong with them.
I mean, look at them leading happy productive socially integrated lives. They are clearly way healthier and happier than I am.
So who cares how fucking smart I am? Who cares if I’m a wizard with dazzling powers if I am too broken up and damaged inside to use them around others? So twisted up and paralyzed by bad socialization that I have to live way up here in my tower just in order to not be freaked out by everything constantly?
Superior, feh. Only on a technicality. There are times when I feel like I could trade all my spells and powers for the ability to live down there with the others.
But then what would I have? Being a wizard is all I know.
So maybe what I really want is a life like theirs. Connected. Whole. Complete. Healthy. Vibrant. Wholesome. Alive.
Sounds a hell of a lot better than being the ice lich I am now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.