i have a very bad relationship with pressure, which is ironic for someone of whom nobody is currently expecting anything but good faith efforts to get better.
Then again, I don’t do that great on them, either. Depression makes everything suck.
The problem is that I have a deeply ingrained aversion to pressure – but only pressure from within. Internal pressure.
External pressure I handle without much effort at all. In fact, I kind of like it. Deadlines have never bothered me. Neither has hard work. Responsibility freaks me out somewhat, but I can handle it once I have it.
But pressure from within tends to make me go kerblooey. And I know that’s a pathological pattern. How could it be anything else, when I only have two modes, pressure free indolence and high pressure freaking out to the point of collapse?
Either way, nothing gets done, I hate myself, and depression wins.
The problem is that I really don’t know how to motivate myself to do stuff. Especially when it is as open ended as doing a video “whenever I feel like it”.
Well clearly that ain’t working. I totally have the capacity to make videos. I even bought the extra fancy bells and whistles version of Corel Video Studio yesterday. And I have tons of ideas for great videos, and the talent to make them happen.
And yet, I remain frustrated and self-loathing because it is so hard for me to actually decide to do it. It’s always so much easier to keep living the same video game addicted lifestyle, I have lived for my entire adult life.
It’s really all I know. Which is both tragic and sad given that I am 47 years old. And doubly so because I have all this amazing talent and potential locked away behind the doors of a massive steel cage made of depression.
And yet, here I go chasing my tail again, because I know that this is the the wrong way of looking at things. That it is, in fact, just another one of my depression’s tricks to keep me all to itself by crushing me with too much pressure.
The real trick, as always, is to forget pressure and instead concentrate on pleasure. Focus on how fun making videos can be and how happy I will be to have made another one. Think about how much I enjoy exploring the world through art, like when I had that writing for animation gig. Anticipate the joy of self-expression.
And forget all about any thoughts of what I “should” be doing. There is no “should”. There is only a completely optional but appealing opportunity for joy.
I could be having even more fun than when I am playing video games.
Imagine that. Another thing I could be doing that would distract me out of feeling depressed and anxious, and this one would yield tangible results.
. Plus I would feel a whole lot better about myself.
And all without having to put myself under pressure.
More after the break.
What do I want to do?
Let’s take another swing at this pinata.
Patient readers know that I find the question of what I want to be a very difficult one to answer. And usually I cite lack of funds as the reason.
But that’s bullshit. For one, my resources are not nearly as limited as they once were. My monthly cheque is up to almost $1500 now, and rent (and food and utilities) is only $600, so i have almost $900/month spendable, or $225/week.
So I have the money to go out and do things. Not big fancy things, but still. Things.
But the real issue is that even if I was broker than a burst dam, there are still tons of things I can do for no money.
Hell, the internet is full of them,
So claiming I have no options due to lack of funds is a cheap dodge. Just a way for me to pretend my options are extremely limited in order to get out of having to choose.
Choosing is hard.
So the truth is that I have a lot of options.
This is the part where I say “that’s the problem”. Too many options, option paralysis, yadda yadda yadda, sis bam boom.
But that kind of option paralysis is only a problem if you are trying to compute a solution. Obviously, if you are trying to solve the question of what to do like an equation, the nearly infinite number of variables makes that impossible.
You’d need a computer the size of the universe.
But that scenario does not take emotion into account. It assumes you are looking for the “right” answer, as opposed to simply doing what you want to do.
And when it comes to doing what you want to do, there is no right or wrong answer, ergo there is nothing to calculate. If you want to do it and then you do it, game over, problem solved, next please.
And I think this leads to a broader observation about my own very narrow outlook. They say that when all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.
Well in my case, it’s more like “when all you have is a high speed brain, everything starts to look like a puzzle to be solved”.
Like I have said before, my default way to handle anything is to analyze it and try to find the solution that yields the best results.
And believe me, that’s one powerful ability to have. But it’s just the one ability. There are a lot of other valid ways to deal with life and a lot of life is simply not compatible with that particular tool, no matter how much muscle you can apply.
Basically, you can’t think yourself happy. Trust me, I’ve tried.
So I need new tools. Ones that can start from what I want and only then go on to figure out how I am going to get it.
Sounds simple enough.
I will talk to your nice people again tomorrow.