Last Sunday, I bought myself some generic veggie chips.
They are, as the name implies, chips made of vegetables. They take slices of various vegetables and freeze-dry them to make them into crispy crunchy chips.
Then they add a modest amount of good old sel de mer (sea salt) and bingo, you have a tasty and nutritious snack.
And I mean that. They are pretty dang good. My only problems are that :
- They are kinda dry. No surprise there.
- They are not quite the carb free paradise I hoped for, because two of the chip types are yam based and yams are potatoes and therefore carbs.
- There’s so many interesting flavours that a handful of them can be a tad overwhelming. That’s a good problem to have.
Analysis : so far so good. Further bulletins as events warrant.
Breaking the chain
Been going around in circles about how to become the person I want to be in a happy, joyful, positive way instead of my only choices being do nothing and keep sleepwalking my life aware or apply insane amounts of pressure on myself and end up almost immediately collapsing and going back to sleep to escape it.
So I suppose it’s really just the one option : do jack shit except play video games while my life ticks away and I get sicker and sicker until one day I just plain keel over and die at this here computer of mine.
I don’t want that to happen. I want to be healthy and happy and strong. I want to still be around for all the people I love. I want to keep having fun. I want to still be here to see what wonders the future will bring.
I want more life, fuckers.
But wanting something and having what it takes to get it are not the same thing. I keep talking about keeling over and other such harshness because I am trying to galvanize myself into having enough motivation to look after myself properly.
So far, it hasn’t worked. Not really. When I tell these things to myself, I can feel a faint and distant response within me as some rather important bit of survival machinery tries to activate and motivate me, but for the most part, I remain immobilized.
I am paralyzed on the inside. I tell my soul to do things but nothing happens. I feel like I am wandering a frozen labyrinth. Technically, I am looking for a way out, but deep down I know I am really just staying in motion because stopping hurts and wandering keeps my blood pumping and keeps me warm.
And underneath it all is this deep and terrible suffering. A pain that fills all the spaces where healthy thought should go and that keeps me turning away from life because actual life is far too bright and hot and painful for me.
And I wish I could just get the suffering over with.Lean in to it and feel horrible for a while and have a good long cry and finally be done with it all.
The extremely nerdy image in my mind is of some massive array of heat sinks being rotated out of the inside a space station to radiate all that heat (pain) into space.
It’s an appealing image. That would get the job done pretty quickly.
And who knows. Maybe it really is that simple if I let to be.
More after the break.
I growl at the sky
Give the middle finger to passing clouds
Bark like a madman at ticking clocks, flowing rivers, and anything else that just goes on and on forever
Out of the savage depths of my tortured psyche crawls a vile creature born of long suppressed hate, long denied lust, long simmering rage, and toxins so pure and deadly that they can only be the product of a soul without kidneys
And it just wants to shit and piss and suck and fuck and claw and scratch and smash and scream and destroy
But most of all, it wants to FEED
It wants to crush and chew and cram the whole sucking world into that gaping hole at its center so that, even if only for a moment, it can feel sated and whole
And it hates everything because everything hurts
Every form of stimulation brings pain
The entire universe has betrayed it
Left it all alone in this cold hard world
a baby bird who never recovered from being shoved out of the nest
And told to fly
But crashed instead
So now it is a creature of oozing cocks, dripping cunts, drooling mouths, twitching anuses, crazy eyes, clawing hands, and extremely full bladders and bowels that just want to void and vent through all those cunts, cocks, and assholes at full blast
It wants to fuck and be fucked
Suck and be suck
Lick and be licked
And it wants to do it to every man, woman, child, and mammal in the world
It wants to have its way with every cock, cunt and asshole in the world
But most of all, it wants OUT
The monster I created through retreating into the cerebral
The Mister Hyde spawned by my denial of the beast within
My hissing hydra of hardened hate
The full moon howling screeching madman who I keep locked away in the deepest darkest basement of my soul
Wants to break free and run loose in the world to get its rocks off in all the ways it has dreamed off in its most tormented and orgasmic nightmares
It’s in no mood to be gentle
And it doesn’t give a fuck about consent
It just wants to take, take, take all the things it craves
Until one day it is finally done
And go back to being human again
Well that happened.
More of my getting the bad stuff out. I have a severely repressed and underfed id and if I am going to be sane one day, I need to find ways to remedy the imbalance and feed and pet and sooth the poor thing until it can be the good doggie I know it has always been deep down.
The lust and rage particularly need non life ruining outlets
Because I am not kidding when I say the beast wants out.
And i worry that if I don’t find release soon, I will end up doing something crazy when my id finally says “enough” and takes over.
And I sure as fuck don’t want that.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.