Took pill. Sleepy. Etc.
I do feel better overall, though. I can feel the space in my mind where all those medium term memories are stored awaiting REM cycles emptying out, and as it does, my mind gets healthier and stronger.
So the pill works. Sure, sometimes it makes it hard to wake up and that makes me freak out because I feel trapped etc, but that’s honestly not a great reason to skip it.
Not when the alternative is slowly losing my mind.
And yet, because the effects of crap sleep accumulate slowly, it’s a very easy trap to fall into. Especially when I have had a “trapped by sleep” incident.
So I am going to focus on remembering the relief I feel in that place in my mind as it relaxes so in the future, I will be less tempted to slip back into my sleepy ways.
Here’s hoping this cycle of sanity lasts a good long time.
Been messing around with Skyrim.
Not actually playing it, of course. Where’s the fun in that? I know every inch of the game, more or less.
Part of the journey back to Skyrim has been realizing how well I remember damn near everything in the game.
Which is cool because my buddy Maelkoth is going through the game for the first time and I always know exactly what he is talking about. Can advise.
But it also means I don’t feel a strong urge to play the thing. Not when there’s piratical adventure to be had in Assassin’s Creed Black Flag.
I’m catching up to my previous save pretty fast. One benefit of having gotten as far as I did in my previous incarnation is that I am totally skilled and confident where before I was a noob and hesitant.
For example, the first time through, the part of the game where you do your first serious naval battle took me a shitload of tries to complete.
Got it the first time through this time. I did a lot of naval battles in the previous incarnation and while I would not exactly call myself good at them yet – I tend to end up almost sinking by the time I win – but I can muscle through.
Ditto for all the murdering. So much better at it now.
In fact, I am now taking all the short assassination missions I avoided the first time because they seemed like too much of a hassle.
Plus I got caught up in some bug in the game that kept moving my target from one island to another.
But now, I love them. I especially love it when I can slip in, takeout the target, and slip out during the ensuing chaos.
I am death, motherfuckers.
As for Skyrim, I’m just having fun getting all the perverted mods I love working again.
Really, this whole thing has mostly been about horny nostalgia.
At least I know that it’s pretty unlikely that I will get addicted again.
I barely even want to play the dang thing!
More after the break,
My dearest Felicity
Sorry for being so argumentative tonight,
Right now, I feel like John Mccain in Die Hard 2 : how can the same shit happen to the same guy two nights in a row?
Clearly I am going through some kind of phase. If so, i hope it’s a short one, because I do not want to end up in the same damned position again.
At least I know I have a problem. And I know I am the problem. Clearly, I need to update my software to include the ability to break off an argument instead of just hammering away at my point till the cows (or rather, the bull) comes home.
Anyhow, for the record, I am ashamed of being so pigheaded and not just backing off and agreeing to disagree and all those other things sane grownups are supposed to do.
But please believe me when I say it comes out of love. When you say negative things about yourself that I know to be untrue, it hurts me so bad. Every instinct I have is telling me to defend you against the mean lies someone is telling about you.
Even if that person is you.
You have to believe me when I say that I am, in my own fucked up way, trying to help you. In my mind, I have this fantasy of liberating you from the ideas holding you back and the scales falling from your eyes and you being so happy.
But that never happens, does it? People don’t get argued into changing their minds. Once it’s an argument, people’s minds close and there is honestly no point in continuing because there is zero chance anyone’s mind will be changed.
So my fantasy of liberation is just that – a fantasy. It’s not something that could ever happen and I need to check my ego and be realistic about what I actually accomplish and learn to ignore that feeling that I am just about to break through.
Because I am not. If anything, my gung ho attitude has made the percent dig in deeper. Whatever problem I think I am on the verge of solving, I am actually making worse.
So from now on, I promise I will call things off if I think they are getting too heated. Even if I think I have said nothing which is out of line, I will recognize that simply by persisting and poking and prodding like I do, I am making things worse.
And please, Felicity, if you think I have gone off the rail, feel free to tell me so. I give you carte blanche to say “Argument over!” and voila, it shall end.
Even if you got the last word in. 🙂
So again, sorry for being a dick. I love you very much, dear, even if I sometimes have a weird way of showing it, and you’re a fabulous friend and a fabulous person, and I feel blessed to have you in my life.
Please forgive me.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.