Oh lordy, this is going to be a big one. I can feel it.
For as long as I can remember, I have been dead set on being completely objective about absolutely everything.
Even when I was a preschooler, I was determined to figure out what was really going on and to make all my decisions based on the understandings that produced.
And that is a perspective I have been loyal to for my entire life. It is the living breathing core of my entire sense of reality and the foundation of my entire worldview. Everything in my mind is tied into it and nothing is accepted as true unless it passes its test.
Big deal, right? I mean, don’t we all try to be objective? Wouldn’t being totally objective about everything be a good thing?
Yes and no. Mostly no.
Because yes, people are supposed to strive to be objective. That’s a fundamental part of creating your own sense of reality.
But there are supposed to be things you are striving against. Other considerations. Social considerations. Emotional considerations.
Human considerations, god damn it.
Most healthy humans’ sense of reality includes and is mitigated and mediated by emotional concerns. For them, social reality IS reality, at least to some extent.
Not for me, though. For me, it has always been intuitively obvious that social reality is a shared fiction and that therefore I was free to ignore it if it got in my way.
Sounds bold and bright and beautiful from a traditional Western rationalism way, but it’s no way for a human being to live.
Because I don’t just ignore social reality occasionally. I ignore it most of the time. And that means I do not perceive it, and that makes the social equivalent of a well-meaning person who nevertheless keeps stepping on your foot.
You’d be socially awkward too if you were socially blind.
Having a perspective grounded in objectivity does give one some power.It is the wellspring of my piercing clarity of thought, for instance, as well as my power of analysis and my ability to get to the heart of things quickly.
But it’s still wrong. It’s still not how a human being is supposed to be, and most importantly, not conducive to being happy.
The human mind needs a lot more than the objective truth to work with. Mere objective reality does not even come close to providing all the emotional nourishment a human psyche needs in order to be happy, healthy, and strong.
There has to be more.
There has to be a way for the mind to get those priceless vitamins and nutrients when reality does not (and quite possibly cannot) supply them by itself.
Somehow, I have to find a way to get those vital emotional inputs for myself.
Somehow, I need to finish growing up.
Somehow, I need to go beyond objective reality.
And not just in an intellectualized “let’s see what lies outside the light of reason” way.
In a deep, fundamental, irrational way.
And that scares the bejesus out of me.
More after the break.
Beyond the edge of reality
Sounds like something from the back cover of a pulp science fiction novel.
“An adventure that will take you beyond the edge of reality itself!”
Anyhow, where was I. Oh right, getting de-bejesused.
The thought of going beyond rationality terrifies me. Reason and logic have been both my weapons and my armor against the world for my whole life, and to contemplate going into the work naked (so to speak) maximizes my capacity for apprehension.
All humans fear the unknown. Even rugged intellectuals like myself, who thought no subject is too scary, dark, or disturbing for him to contemplate, balks at leaving my entire basis of reality behind.
And yet I know it must be done. This is an existential crossroads and I know that my only choice is to keep going or stop.
And I ain’t gonna stop. Stopping would hurt worse than anything the road before me could possibly throw at me.
I’ve reached the point of spiritual growth where I have to leave everything I know behind and venture into the vast unknown with absolutely no idea of what will happen.
And I don’t want to do it. It’s very scary. And it will likely hurt.
But the road behind me is gone. There is no turning back. I will never “go home again”. Home is gone too.
All I can do is press forward and look for a new home. A better one. One that fits me better. One that has everything I need in it.
One that actually makes me feel safe.
I could plausibly argue that I don’t know where to start. That would be technically true but actually a bullshit dodge. An act of cowardice meant to delay scary growth.
It’s odd, but the only way I know how to deal with such an existential leap is to open my mind up as fully as I possibly can and do my best to learn everything this new environment can teach me.
This is, of course, the exact opposite of what most people do. Most people would shut their minds defensively when going into the unknown.
But I’m not most people.
One of my greatest gifts is my ability to make my mind completely receptive, like a fresh sheet of blank paper. That’s why I learned so fast and so well in school.
While the teacher was talking and writing stuff on the board, my mind was wide open and absorbing everything.
But that’s a dodge too. I see now that I began intellectualizing.
Well, the first step is always realizing you have a problem.
Truth is, I need to once more ask myself one of the biggest questions of my life :
What is it healthy people have that I do not?
If I could somehow take them and subtract me, what would remain?
What is this mysterious substance I lack?
And how the hell can I get me some?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.