I sort of have one.
Intellectually, I am supremely self-confident. I state my opinion with conviction and communicate with speed, vigor, and accuracy.
To some, that makes me seem arrogant. And I can’t say that I am not. I don’t think of myself in those terms, but I can see how, compared to more hesitant and timid people, I might seem like I think I know it all.
Hardly. And I have no problem admitting when I am wrong.
My pride insist on it. I would never stoop so low as to be intellectually dishonest, and that applies to my own actions as well.
And I am at least somewhat aware that I have a sky high IQ and loads of talent. Gifts others would kill to have and all that.
I tend to dismiss my gifts by saying “fat lot of good they’ve done me”, but that’s not fair. I am a very ill man, especially psychologically. That’s why the gifts have not done me a lot of good in terms of money.
But they have enriched my personal life in countless ways.
And there’s the sad fact that I just don’t want ot take responsibility for all that power. If I was truly to take ownership of my gifts, the question of what obligation I have to use said power to help fix the world comes up, and that scares me badly.
I could do the world a lot of good if it wasn’t for this darn depression.
Guess I’ll just die then.
And now, I have to go back to sleep.
Everything sucks at first
That’s my advice to young people. Everything sucks at first.
The beginning of trying something is always the time when it is hardest, the least fun, the scariest, the most stressful, and takes the most effort.
So stop judging things by how they are at first. EVERYTHING sucks at first, and then gets easier. The period at the beginning is in no way representative of how the thing will be most of the time, and if you resist the urge to reject the thing in order to escape the stress, you will make it through the worst/first part and get to the good stuff.
But only if you hang in there.
Too many people give up right away, or as soon as things get scary or hard. They treat even those things which are vitally important to their dreams like they are leisure activities they can drop the second they seem like work.
Well I got news for you, kids : life is work. Everything worthwhile requires effort. Most of life is not entertainment and you will only get out of it what you put into it.
And life will never, ever make the first move. So stop waiting for some kind of signal that tells you it’s okay to start trying now.
You are always going to have to invest the effort before you know if it’s worth it or not.
And sometimes it won’t be.
But sometimes it will!
And times it does pay off will more than compensate for the times it does not. but only if you stay in the game and keep trying.
And even if you put effort into something and it doesn’t work out,.so what? Effort is renewable. Our batteries recharge. The feeling of disappointment does not last forever.
And now you know more about what works for you and what doesn’t. Which means the next thing you try has a much better chance of working for you.
But you have to keep trying.
This problem of giving up based on how things are at first is particularly pernicious for us big brain types.
That’s because we all had the same experience as children of a time when we got praise and approval for things that were easy and fun for us.
You know. School type things.
And we imprinted heavily on that time, and kept on seeking it even as adults.
But that time can never ever come back. What made you a child prodigy was being smart for your age, and once you are an adult, that phrase has no meaning.
Nobody is going to pat you on the back and say “Good work, you are so far ahead of all the other 37 year olds. ”
So stop looking for that door back into the golden realm where everything is easy and fun and you get everything you want without it even seeming like work.
That place does not exist. It never has. So stop holding back until you find it. Stop choking your own growth in order to keep from moving away from that place. Stop rejecting options based on their initial costs because deep down, you are holding out for the happy easy non-scary effort-free option that will never, ever happen.
You will never be a child again.
And you will never be a prodigy again.
So you sure as hell won’t ever be a child prodigy again.
You will be a happier, healthier, more successful person once you have gotten rid of that entire idea forever.
Now what I have said has undoubtedly been extremely painful for you. And you are no doubt currently looking for a way to reject the whole thing based on that pain.
You can tell yourself I am just a harsh, cruel person who loves crushing people’s hopes and dreams with my cold hard words.
I am not. I am trying to help you. These words are meant to set you free.
But liberation always comes from sacrifice. In order to be truly free, a little part of you that is holding you back has to die, and that really fucking hurts.
Look at it as a painful but necessary medical procedure. Like getting a rotten tooth pulled. Sure, the actual dental procedure hurts,. but afterward you feel so much better.
You also might reject my words because “I don’t really understand”.
But I do. Everything I have said here is based on my own experiences and the bullshit I have found in my own skull. I exempt myself from absolutely none of it.
I’m just as bad as you.
And if I don’t really understand you and your situation, why does it hurt so much?
Is the real problem that I understand your situation all too well and have hit far too close to the bone for comfort?
Remember, my only goal is to free you of the bad ideas holding you back. I wish it didn’t have to hurt as much as it does,. But it does.
Nothing in us dies without a fight.
The sick part of you is currently fighting my words with all its might because it knows that its very existence is in peril.
The question is, whose side are you on?
The side of your disease, or the side of my cure?
Only you can decide that.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.