Once more, I claw my way to the surface of consciousness so that i can do my best to blog my little heart out despite being sleepy.

Whatever. Here goes :

Been thinking a lot about my voice lately, in both the literal and figurative sense.

I have a very powerful voice. With my verbal skills, my intellect, my power of presence, my keen analytical mind, and my deep insight into how things really work, i can express myself in ways that have a powerful effect on people.

So add that to the list of riches I have had in my vault for years, just waiting for me to finally have the courage to spend them.

And there is so much I want to say to the world. So much I want to contribute. So much heinous bullshit going around that I could totally destroy in a minute if only I was given a opportunity to deliver my message.

But opportunities aren’t given. They’re taken. Or created. At the very least, I would have to be in line for opportunity with my hand out instead of crouching behind my duck blind like I am an alien anthropologist studying humans in secret.

There has to be a way out of this prison cell of mine. And I will find it when I am strong enough to let the world in so I can let myself out.

Right now,I am pondering where my best point of entry to launch my commentary campaign. Should I be making videos? That would certainly maximize the power of my message because everything I say would be amplified by my charisma etc.

But videos are also a lot more work, and I might need things to be as easy as possible, at least at first. So I am also looking for venues for my just typing in my comments on things like everyone else does.

But I, of course, will do it better.

I just want people to listen to me. And I have a deep paranoid fear that no matter how perfectly and powerfully I express myself, people will just block me out of their minds and ignore me rather than have to deal with me.

So I will just have to make myself impossible to ignore.

I have a good loud voice that carries well and I am perfectly willing to do whatever it takes to get people to pay attention.

This includes nudity.

More after the break.

Addicted to relief

Been pondering the connection between being a loser and being addicted to that rush of relief you get when you give up or give in and all the tension of the situation vanishes leaving behind those sweet, sweet endorphins to reward us for failing ourselves.

That’s what it all boils down to, really. It’s classic short term thinking on a neurochemical level – going for relief now at the expense of anything that might have come if you had stayed in the game.

And the thing is, if you do this often enough, and consistently enough, you never learn what would happen if you hadn’t given up, and so you never get any evidence that contradicts the loser narrative of having “no choice” but to give up, and you are free to make up whatever sour grapes type reason why it never would have worked without any fear of it ever being proven wrong.

It’s a pretty sweet deal, really. Oh, except it ruins your life, condemns you to being a total loser, and makes you abjectly miserable most of the time.

But otherwise, ya know….. score.

The road out, therefore, requires us to not only endure the stress, fear, anxiety, or whatever other emotions our loser programming is deliberately amplifying in order to bring us to the breaking point as soon as possible, we also have to resist pushing the panic button and having it all be over right away leaving us to bask in the glow of relief.

Giving up feels good. That’s why it’s so popular.

The first step in overcoming anything is becoming aware of it, which you and I now are.

The next step is recognizing and accepting that you play an active role in your own defeat. You are choosing to lose when you press that panic button, whether you are conscious of it or not.

This contradicts the loser programming message that you had “no choice” but to give in. So I understand if you are upset right now and want to contradict me.

But I ask you this : if not giving in meant you saved your mother’s life, could you do it? What if it won you a million bucks? What then?

You’d be able to do it then, right? So clearly, you have a choice. That loser narrative of not having a choice is obviously self-serving bullshit. Propaganda put out by the loser programming in your brain in order to justify itself.

So own it. Admit to yourself that you have a choice and that those choices have resulted in the life you live now, and that you are responsible for those choices.

After all, if someone who has hurt you claimed they didn’t have a choice but to give in to their urge to do it, you’d call bullshit, right?

And yes, accepting this truth will fucking hurt. I’m processing it right now and it is not pleasant. It feels like part of me is dying and my world is falling apart.

And it’s all true. But the part of me that is dying is the sick weak loser part of me, and good riddance. And my world might be falling apart, but that’s good too, because it clears the way for a newer, better world to replace it.

Growth is often painful. So is healing. The voice of despair can be very persuasive when it tell you that said pain means it’s to worth it.

But it is. It totally is. And if you just stick with it long enough, you will agree.

That’s enough for today, I think.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.