As a result of my high IQ, I’ve been a giant among pygmies for my entire life.
And like Gulliver among the Lilliputians, I’ve learned to move slow and be very careful in where I choose to step in order to avoid accidentally squishing anyone.
I’ve lived in mortal terror of accidentally harming someone with the vastness of my intellect and my other powers for a very long time, and quite frankly, I’m sick of it.
I’m sick of hunching down so as to not scare people with my giant’s height. I am sick of shielding people from the intensity of my mental electrical field. I am sick of trying to fit in when not only is it not working, it’s absurd to think it ever could.
Even with the best intentions and total dedication to the task, an elephant can’t blend in with the grasshoppers.
And I am sick of feeling bad when my extraordinary intelligence proves inconvenient for people who have never dealt with someone like me – and that’s almost everybody.
You ain’t never had a friend like me.
Most people have no idea how to deal with someone like me, and I have taken the blame for that for far too long.
It started when I was a little kid and the teachers didn’t know what to do with me, Being the little empath that I was, I could tell I frustrated them and stressed them out, and that made me feel bad for being such a problem for them,
But you know what? To hell with that. It is not and was not my fault that I am a strange and powerful creature unlike anyone else you’ve met. I didn’t ask for all this free-range intelligence and mental power. It’s not like I can just turn it off, even if I wanted to.
And at the end of the day, all I really want is the freedom to be myself, on my own terms, just like everybody else.
It’s time for me to stop crouching to hide how much I tower over others and start standing up straight and proud to be the wonderful and unique critter I am.
And if people can’t handle that, tough. It’s not my responsibility to make myself easy to understand and deal with. Neither is it my responsibility to keep from making people feel stupid merely because they are not as bright as me.
And when I say things and people look at me like I am an alien because my point of view and approach is so unlike anyone else’s, that’s not my fault either, and no amount of translation into “their language” is ever going to prevent it.
Because I have a ten dimensional mind in a three dimensional world, and that means I will always see patterns invisible to others and see more of the chessboard than others and thus be a powerful visionary destined to be misunderstood.
That’s what happens when you are way ahead of your time. All you can do is keep expressing your truth and hope the world catches up to you.
I’ve been waiting for the world to catch up with me ever since I was an elementary school student with a university level brain.
Guess I will just keep waiting.
More after the break.
On being large
I have spent my entire life being afraid to take up space.
Afraid to exist. Ashamed of using up resources in order to live. Humiliated by the thought that anyone ever had to put up with a monstrosity like me.
Thinking I didn’t deserve to live. That my very existence was an affront to all that is good and pure and right in the world. That in the balance sheet of life I was a massive and completely unjustifiable liability to both myself and the world, one that should be corrected swiftly and permanently.
Hence the suicidal thoughts. At times, only the thought of what a massive blow my death would be to all who love me holds them back.
I have a lot of people who love me, both as Fruvous and as myself, and if I committed suicide, it would tear them up inside. ‘
I could never do that to them.
Besides, I am through with all that pointless and ungrounded shame. It’s just a relic of the past, the unintended result of being born unwanted and resented by all and being far too weak and clueless to realize it and act to correct the situation.
I’m sure my mother and my siblings would swear that they never thought of me as hated burden, a massive inconvenience, or a resented imposition.
And I am sure they never thought those things….. consciously.
But it’s how I was treated, so its what I have to deal with right now. These feelings of unworthiness and rejection and abandonment didn’t come out of nowhere.
As a child, I was, at best, an afterthought. At worst, I was a deeply resented expense and a barely tolerated presence. I never asked to be born, never decided to have needs like any other kid, never wanted more than my fair share of things.
And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
Repeat until believed.
I am a fully worthy, lovable, wonderful person who many consider to be a definite asset to the world, and I deserve love, respect, compassion, and support as much as anyone else deserves them.
The way I have been treated does not reflect who I am. I never deserved to be treated like an unwelcome guest in my own home. I was a victim of emotional neglect and that is entirely the fault of the people who didn’t want me around.
I am a good boy, god damn it.
And I refuse to be ashamed of my existence any longer.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.