So today I discovered a new and horrible….growth on my body,
it’s big, it’s gross looking, and it burns when I touch it. The pain is otherwise fairly minor, but obviously I am rather concerned with this atrocious development.
I mean, what the ever loving fuck, right?
But that’s life in this body of mine. Never know what horror show it will produce next. I wish I could just reboot my entire body and return it to its factory defaults so I could start over with a healthy body that I will treat with the utmost care.
But that’s not how these things work. Life does not give us do-overs. The best we can do is start from where we are,no matter how crappy a position that is,and fight through the forces of all our bad habits in order to try to live a better life.
I’m working on it.
I’ve eliminated most of the carbs from my diet. Don’t miss them. In fact, I pretty much hate carbs now.
Or well, I hate the cheap simple carbs that make up most of what we call “snack food”. It’s all devious poison to me now. Evil candy that tricks you into screwing yourself over by tasting so good. So good that you just keep eating this nutritionally worthless food instead of giving your body what it needs.
I won’t lie. All the sugary and starchy stuff still looks good to me. Part of me still wants to eat donuts, chips, chocolate bars, and all that other tasty stuff.
But then I remember how bad it made me feel, and the desire dies, and all i feel when I look at that stuff is nausea and contempt.
Fuck that stuff. I eat real food now.
But I am still quite damaged and that makes it hard to make more substantial progress because everything fucking hurts.
I don’t think people factor that in when they judge themselves and others on their health. If you are in bad need of lifestyle reform, every single step of that process comes with a great deal of pain. It will feel, subjectively speaking, like the universe is screaming at you that this is a huge mistake and you should stop right now.
Asking someone to overcome all that while also telling them to give up all the little pleasures that keep them going is one hell of a big thing to ask.
Getting healthy means going through hell. Twice. Daily.
Anyhow, back to the topic at hand : this thing on my body,. It’s particularly ironic that I found it just now because only a few days ago, I realized that a lot of the old wounds on my legs had closed over and were now just discolorations of the skin.
So obviously, some new nightmare had to erupt on my body in order to crush any hopes I might have had that I was actually getting healther.
Ha ha, joke’s on yo, you’re still gonna die. Psych!
More after the break.
I’m a sick, sick man
Thing is, it’s more than just this twoonie sized bubo that appeared on my left side, below and behind my left nipple.
I would post a picture of it but the program I use to access my camera is being weird.
So, you folks dodged a bullet there.
No, in addition to that, I have been very hot and very thirsty all day. The feverishness I can ignore and the thirstiness I am handling by indulging it slowly so that it doesn’t accelerate out of control and turn me into a guzzler.
I’ve been that state before. Drinking tons of fluids because my fucked up brain, after a period of dehydration, has lost the ability to say “enough!”.
Don’t wanna go there again.
The worst symptom by far is that I tire out so quickly. It’s been two hours up then an hour of sleep all day.
As symptoms go, it’s fairly mild. Kind of annoying to need to sleep so often, but I can get by that way for a while.
But when combined with my feeling feverish and dizziness and my latest skin horror, it paints a pretty clear picture of a man with an infection.
And I should really get that looked at. An immuno-compromised person like me can’t afford to fuck around with infections. /Honestly, I probably should have called up my GP and arranged a Zoom call already.
But meh. Have a lot of resistance from the bad part of my brain to overcome first. It remembers feeling stupid after that doctor in the ER at Richmond Hospital treated me like I didn’t matter and he couldn’t wait to move on to a patient he cared about, and that has it and my social anxiety spooked.
So if I do end up in the ER, I will be brings a change of clothes, a book of crossword puzzles, and a huge attitude.
I will not be treated like that again. I will defend my right to be treated like a human being no matter what it takes. I refuse to be pushed around, glossed over, fast talked, or otherwise “managed” and I will bring the full power of my intellect, my verbal skills, and my power of presence down on anyone who tries.
Honestly, I am sort of looking forward to it now. Go fig.
But I suppose I should give my GP a chance first. It depends on if things get worse or not. Right now, the symptoms are mild and stable, but if things start going downhill, then it’s the ER for me, no question about it.
But if things stay the same or get better, I will call my GP and see if he can Zoom me a diagnosis and, presumably, a prescription for some kind of antibiotic.
I’d hate to end up in the hospital again. Being in the hospital sucks. But seeing as I might be in a lot of trouble, healthwise, I will endure it if needed.
Plus I have serious on spec work for a writing gig to do.
Shit comes in waves.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.