Time to take a crack at another topic I really don’t like talking about and is therefore something I need to talk about.
So here goes.
When I neglect myself, I’m not the only one who gets hurt.
The people who love me and care about (and for) me get hurt too as they helplessly watch me slowly falling apart and dying right before there eyes.
And there’s not a damned thing they can do about it.
I know I have written about this subject before, but I feel the need to revisit it what with my recent dramatic turn for the worse.
And god damn me, because I tend to forget.
My emotional landscape is an isolated wasteland by default. Even when I am with my friends, a little part of me is locked away alone.
That scared little animal is always there, at the very core of my being, terrified and angry and freaking the fuck out all the time, 24/7. even when I am asleep.
It’s that part of me that never came back after I took my mind away when I was being raped at the age of 4. It’s in there with the part of me that never got up after I laid down in a snowbank and willed myself to die.
Thank god that doesn’t work.
So even when I have people in my life. I feel like I am all alone. It’s like those other people aren’t even there.
And I hate that. I hate it so much. It fills me with guilt and rage to think that my fucked up emotional state shuts out the very people who really do love me and care for me and who consequently find me so hard to reach, let alone help.
It’s not right and it’s not fair. I love these people and I want them to know it. I want them to feel it. And I sure as fuck don’t want to be freezing them out.
So add that to the list of things I need to remind myself of all the time : doing things makes me feel better, and I am not as alone as I feel so therefore when I neglect myself, I hurt those who love me the most.
I will no doubt tighten up the phrasing on that one in future iterations of the list.
Hopefully, this will help me bypass the dead circuit between me and the motivation to take care of myself by letting me approach it from a different angle : caring for others.
Caring for others comes naturally to me. The thought of hurting those I love, even unintentionally, fills me with horror and guilt. I need to take care of myself for their sake, so they aren’t left feeling helpless and defeated and alone.
I need to keep and hold that image – of my friends being in pain because of their connection to me – in my mind if it is to lead me to right action.
And brother, do I need something to lead me to right action.
More after the break.
Yay for my paranoia and intrepidity.
First, the paranoia : As you know, I had two things i was gonna do today – go to Brooke Radiology for a chest X-ray and go to LifeLabs for the usual blood and urine tests plus a bit of heart monitoring.
The flag was green on both things because in both cases, their website said they would be open today.
But about half an hour or so before heading out, I had a sudden paranoid hunch about Brooke Radiology, and called them to make sure they were actually open.
And they were not. My hunch was correct. They were closed till Monday.
Always fun when my paranoia verges on the paranormal.
Ironically, this was not the solid win it might have been, because it turns out the LifeLabs closest to us that is open on Saturdays is in the exact same building as the closest Brooke Radiology, so we ended up going the exact same route to the exact same place as if they had indeed been open.
So all I really achieved with my phone call was avoiding being pissed off and disappointed. Which is not nothing.
Intrepidity, well, when I went to order food tonight, I was going to use DoorDash like i have been doing for a while, but then it occurred to me : I wonder if Skip the Dishes (weird named for dishes) would accept my new credit card when it had rejected my previous credit card.
And it did! So not only can I use my delivery service of choice again (sorry DoorDash), but I can order from 7-11 again! Huzzah!
So tonight’s dinner was three chicken strips, six wedges, two dips (forget how big they are, only needed one) and a Big Bite hot dog.
Normally, I would have ordered samosas, but I had those for lunch.
Oh! And speaking of my intrepidity, I finally got around to doing something I had been thinking of doing for ages now : ordering a stupid huge amount of sugar free hard candy from Amazon so that I will always have something nice to suck on from now on.
Add your own innuendo. I’m tired.
My order arrived today and yup, that is a crazy huge amount of hard candy. Enough to keep me happily sucking away for quite some time.
But I have to be careful that I don’t overwhelm myself. My plan is to keep most of it ina box in the cupboard and only put out a cute little dish of them at a time.
That way, the “clean your plate” part of my brain doesn’t take a look at the sheer quantity of stuff and get sick of it in advance.
It’s possible to lead a pleasant life when you are weird AF, but it takes work.
So all in all, I am fairly pleased with myself this evening.
Sure, I may be dying, but at least I feel like I am living now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.