I guess I am back at this part of my mood cycle (now available from Peleton),.
Back to the nihilism. The smoldering black rage glowing on the horizon. The feeling that everything is futile and pointless and absurd.
And not the funny kind of absurd, either.
More like the bitter, mirthless laugh kind of absurd.
I pictured myself as a massive dragon, black as night. Sleek as an oil slick, as strong as a raging bull, and deadly as the airless void between stars. With claws that glisten with ebony ichor, a tail that ends in a wicked tip like a spear, and eyes that glow like the hearts of a dozen mad stars.
And as this mighty beast, I would look out on the world with icy hostility and let the rage, disgust, and contempt build within ,me till I turn my head sideways and belch forth billow upon billow of obsidian flame that annihilates all it touches like hate itself in its purest form was unleashed upon this unworthy world of ours to wipe the universe clean of it and all its unclean children.
And then the doors of night spring open, and all our demons, both personal and general, come screaming forth like they’ve been vomited up from the belly of a very sick god. And they make revel as our sins consume us and the moon and the stars come crashing down to their ignominious deaths and God dies weeping.
And I, the dragon of darkness who started it all, stand tall and strong upon the tallest cliff, and glare down at the chaos and the sacrilege, eyes glowing madder and hotter than ever, and nod once, my vengeance complete.
So, you know. Typical.
I wonder if this is the sort of mood Lovecraft wrote in. It would explain a lot.
Heck, that passage above is almost like the Book of Revelations. And we all know whoever wrote that had to have been in a weird fucking mood.
As am I. But then again, I might be sick.
Or maybe it’s just allergies. Which are a kind of being sick, I guess.
Point is, I had a massive sneezing attack earlier today, and I have been sniffling and snorting ever since. And all day I have felt tense and irritable, like I am ready to snap like a dry twig at the next person who pisses me off.
Not that I want that to happen and certainly not that I am planning on letting it happen.
I’m just acknowledging that my cup boileth over right about now. It would not take much of a downturn to turn me into the ranting psycho that lurks beneath my warm and pleasant normal self.
I really should do something about that. Find some way to vent all that bile before I end up choking on it, or worse, letting it turn me into something I don’t want to be.
It’s Doctor Jekyll’s and Bruce Banner’s repression of their ids that creates Mister Hyde and The Hulk.
Me, I want to integrate my id in order to balance my psyche,
But I have been so cold for so long.
I don’t know if I will survive the thaw.
More after the break.
Pretty darn sure
Pretty darn motherfucking sure I am sick (as in, infected) now.
I wasn’t sure earlier because all my symptoms matched an allergy attack, and for some reason, we don’t usually consider those to qualify as making you “sick”.
Maybe they’re just too common. Or too transitory. We tend to reserve the “sick” label for the sort of things that might force you to miss work or school.
Anyhow, I am sure I am that kind of sick now. For one thing, my symptoms have persisted for over 6 hours beyond the initial attack, and that’s rare for allergies.
For another, new symptoms have cropped up, and chief amongst them is feeling feverish. I am burning up inside.
Not that I think I have an actual fever. I never do. No matter how hot I feel inside, I never turn out to have a fever.
Dunno why. Maybe my skin is so fucked up that my internal heat doesn’t make it to the surface and that’s why I feel so damned hot.
But no, the ear thermometers get the same result.
It’s frustrating. I bet if I did finally get a reading that indicated I was running a fever, I would feel a weird sense of triumph.
Like, “Finally! I knew I was too hot!”.
I mean, right now, I feel like I am glowing like a star in the infrared.
Nerdiest metaphors on the internet!
I also have a touch of the malaise. Not too strong, just a general feeling of strain under load throughout my body.
I’m doing my best to stay hydrated. Gotta keep the sweat flowing. Only thing worse than sweating when you don’t want to is not sweating when you need to.
Homeostasis is a serious game. Fuck it up and there’s hell toupee.
Meant to jump on getting an eye exam appointment today but ended up sleeping through the afternoon instead.
I want to cultivate the habit of doing things the second I think of them, thus denying my general absentmindedness the opportunity to make the thought disappear back into the primordial pressure cooker from which it emerged.
But for that to happen, I need to work hard to unlearn decades of energy miser thought patterns. I want to stop thinking I have no energy and start looking to my environment for the energy I need to do the things I want.
In other words, become just a little more extroverted.
Or at least become a less repressed and bottled up introvert. Learn to unclench a little and relax and enjoy life instead of squatting in paranoid misery in my dank little cave.
I will never walk in the sunshine till I learn to leave my cave behind and face the world with all its levels of stimulation and hang in there until I get used to it all.
Easier said than done, I suppose.
But then again, what isn’t?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.