Took my sleeping pill at around 9 am this morning.
It’s now 3 pm and I am still sleepy as fuck,
And I have work for E and D I need to do but I am in no fit state to do it.
Kind of wishing I had skipped the fucking pill now.
It doesn’t help that my seasonal allergies have been kicking my ass lately. My 24 hour Reactine pills just aren’t stopping them. I need something stronger.
Like a medically induced coma. That sounds nice right about now.
I keep having allergy attacks despite my antihistamine. Big ones too. Sneezing so hard it leaves me feeling dizzy, running nose, sinus cavities fulla goo, dizziness and disorientation, itchy palate, the whole works.
More worrisome is that I feel a tiny bit of a wheeze developing in my breathing. Allergies come and go, but lung infections are serious fucking business in this day and age.
Please let it pass too. I don’t want to end up in the hospital full of tubes.
Hopefully I will feel a lot better after a bit more sleep. Or a lot more Diet Coke. Or some combination of the two.
Got me some Pizza Hut last night. Was craving pizza so I got me some. And that’s a good thing all by itself.
I need to act on more whims. I have ignored my desires in favour of just keeping my head buried in the sand via my usual distractions for far too long, and it’s left me deeply alienated from myself and my desires.
So in many ways I have no idea who the fuck I really am.
And yeah, money’s been a limiting factor. But so has my agoraphobia and social anxiety. People love to say there are so many things you can do for free, but 80 percent of them involve leaving the house.
And most of the rest of them involve having a lot more energy than I feel I have. Maybe I have it, maybe I don’t, but I sure as fuck don’t feel energetic.
I honestly could use another B12 shot right around now. That had me feeling much better for a couple hours yesterday, and reasonably good for most of the day after.
All gone now though, or so it seems.
I read that there are conditions which make it hard for the body to absorb B12, but I don’t think I have any of those. They all seem pretty harsh and definitely not the sort of thing you could have and not know it.
Hopefully a diet with more animal products in it can fix the problem in the long term. I plan on picking up some lunch meats and cheese when I do my shopping tomorrow night so I have an easy way to have meatier meals.
Plus a few onions. They make any lunch meat type sandwich better.
Oh, and I must remember to get some sugar free jam,
I should probably be writing this all down on a list of some sort.
But I think I will just go nap instead.
More after the break.
My happy place
Once more, I repeat unto myself : I am happier when I am busy.
Did some work for E&D just now. Absorbed some notes, replied to some of them, trying to figure out how to make my own notes.
I’ve asked E via FB because presumably he knows.
Once I clear a few things up with him, I will be able to send the document back with my own notes and replies added, and then I can get down to work on actually making the necessary changes to the damned thing that I need to do.
Clearly, I need to get up to speed on how modern collaborative creativity works, because this whole notes thing is quite the strain on the brain for me. It smacks of multitasking and patient readers know that is NOT by strong suit.
I am much happier being given a list of tasks and/or goals from a single, well defined source, and executing them in the order in which they are presented to me, and then awaiting further instructions.
I am a serial program in a parallel world. It’s becoming a whole “thing”.
I am trying to come up with a way to explain this to E&D in a way that doesn’t make me sound sort of useless to them.
Because the truth is that doing things my way means more work for them. They have to figure out how to present things to mean in a linear way instead of just jamming things together organically and trusting me to figure it out.
And what the hell, I do make it eventually,. Might take me some time to process and digest the notes but eventually clarity emerges.
So maybe I don’t need to bug them about it. I dunno. I’ll have to think it over.
Got McD’s on the way. Big Mac combo. A rare circumstance where the most often ordered thing is what I want too.
For a highly unique and original guy like me, that’s rare.
I feel a little guilty ordering in two nights in a row. Especially since I still have tons of pizza from last night.
But what the fuck. The point of money is to spend it, not hoard it.
Or at least that’s what I tell myself when I am feeling financially constipated and needto remind myself that money can actually make me happier.
I’ve never had a hard time understanding Scrooge, or any other miser. Hoarded wealth can make you feel safer and more secure and I totally get how someone might get addicted to that feeling of increasing wealth far, far beyond and besides anything they might actually do with the money.
But I am, above all, a pragmatist, and so I always ask myself, could I use this money to make myself happier somehow?
And that’s a hard question for me to answer. It’s a lot like a “what do you really want?” type question and I just plain don’y know.
Like I said, I am so alienated from myself that I have no idea who I am or what I want.
I somehow trained myself tnot want things to avoid the pain of not getting them.
.And it’s becoming increasingly clear that in that case, the cure was much worse than the original disease.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,