Having another bad day, of the sleeping all the time, dreaming really intensely, and feeling like utter crap variety, so today’s blog entry will be a mite less than a tightly organized and precisely machined word wonder. If you are lucky, I will at least remember to finish my.

Lucky for you all, my dreams, while vivid to the point of making me surprised when I woke up and had to remember reality (oh right…. reality…. I remember this! Gee, it’s been so long…. you’re looking good… ), my memories of said dreams are nowhere near complete enough to be worth telling, and frankly some of them are of the kind of dreams that are very nice to have, but you don’t tell anyone about them at all, so you are all spared another dramatic retelling of my adventures wandering around in my own mind.

Have I mentioned lately that my worst nightmare is to get trapped within my own mind, no distractions, no inputs, no escape? Because it is. That would be the ultimate claustrophobic nightmare of the agoraphobic mind, in my books.

Your mileage may vary.

No word from my doctor about test results and/or Avandia alternatives. This merely makes me fret more. I have never understood the idea that “no news is good news”. It’s stupid on the face of it, and suitable only for those people who are lucky and/or foolish enough to believe that the world is benign by default and that ignorance is bliss.

Myself, if I don’t hear anything about something I am worried about, it takes a profound act of will to keep from assuming the worst. I am the sort of person who is rattled by uncertainty and soothed by information. The more I know, the more I feel I can deal with the situation and make rational plans.

The less I know, the more I assume that reality is sneaking up on me from an unknown angle and just about to blindside me and fuck me up worse than ever before.

I realize this is not, strictly speaking, a logical attitude. Neither pessimism nor optimism are even remotely logical, because both make grand and unsupportable assumptions about the nature of reality and life on Earth. You cannot possibly know enough about all the lives in the Universe to declare whether life sucks rocks or just rocks. You can’t even assume you know whether your own life is wonderful or horrible. To do so, you would have to understand all the possibilities branching out for you from your current moment in time, and then be able to evaluate them all as positive or negative, and that is clearly impossible.

But we human beings are hardly restricted by logic, and as illogical as it may be, we just go right on feeling we know that our lives are wonderful or terrible, positive or negative, a helpless drag through a fetid swamp filled with broken rusty metal and tortured souls, or a long slow deep rainbow filled joygasm.

The thing is, I want to be a more positive person. I think it’s a better way to be. Optimism and pessimism might be equally illogical, but the optimists seem a hell of a lot happier. If you have to be wrong, might as well be wrong in the direction that feels better, right?

And negative people are just plain less fun. I would rather, in my heart of hearts, be a positive, uplifting, fun person whose enthusiasm is contagious and who inspires people to open up and be their best than a parade-raining balloon-popping hope-killer any day.

Even when I know I am right, and when I am performing the very important function of being the balance to people’s irrational exuberance and unwillingness to face harsh truths, being the Paranoia to their Confidence, I still feel like a jerk and like I would rather be a different kind of person.

Someone who can stay both positive of polarity and grounded in reality. Someone who can be both inspiration and guidance.

But I think in order to do that without becoming some sort of manic maniac, I would have to truly believe that the world is a wonderful place full of magical possibilities just waiting for me to go out and get them, and I just don’t know if I have that in me.

Perhaps the real solution is to simply withhold judgement about the world entirely, and retreat to a more existentialist and individualist position based on the notion that no matter how the world is, you’re going to give it all you got and try to be happy.

That’s something that maybe I can live with.

Well, that’s all for now, folks. Talk at ya later.