Back pain is getting worse.
And it’s definitely spastic now. Big spasms that hurt like fuck and squeeze me like over-hugged puppy in the arms of a well meaning toddler.
So I am definitely going to be bringing this up with my doctor this Friday.
I still think gas and indigestion play a role, though, I think somewhere near the core of my torso (corso? No. ) is a bolus of gas and food and um, post-food, and my system is tensing around that bolus which makes my back tense and ow ow ow.
Whatever the cause, what I could use right now is a good gentle muscle relaxant. Preferably topical, but I would take anything right now.
I prefer topical muscle relaxants because they don’t make you sleepy or clumsy or whacked out like the general ones can.
Just checked out Robaxacet on Amazon Canada. It ain’t there. It’s a combination of acetaminophen and a mild muscle relaxant that I used to take.
Of course, that was 25 years ago.
The market may have moved on.
There’s probably some “Doctor’s Home Remedies” type thing I could be doing with like, a pillow and a rock and a microwave that would work, but I dunno it.
Besides, I overheat far too easily for hot rocks and heating pads and such. Not much point in relaxing my back muscles if it gives me a sick headache at the same time.
I could try a hot shower, though. The water on my back could help a lot.
For a while I was able to more or less keep up with the pain via stretching and rubbing and so on, but now that seems like tossing pebbles at a tank. The problem has gone beyond such feeble techniques and now calls for medical grade intervention.
All of this health BS is dragging my mood down, understandably. I try to relax and take the pressure off myself but patient readers know that it’s a much deeper problem than a bad attitude toward my life.
The problem is that I don’t have sufficient outlet for my energies and they tend to back up like a clogged sewer line and that’s where all my anxiety, harsh self-judgment, and intense feelings of frustration get their energy.
It’s weird. I know all this energy is just waiting there for me to use. I know I would be a much happier and healthier person if I took it upon myself to find uses for as much of that energy as I possibly can. I know that drain is better than pain.
And yet, I can’t do anything with this information. It fails to motivate change. Instead, I keep living the same stupid unsatisfying lifestyle that is not-so-slowly killing me, making every day just like the last and driving me into an early grave.
I have all this fear and dread and anxiety that closes like a vice when I try to change anything and crushes my good intentions before they can even be born.
Until I can get that vice-grip off of my heartstrings, nothing is ever going to change.
And this bus is headed right over the cliff.
And all I have to do to save myself is steer.
But I just…. can’t.
More after the break.
Between two fires
Well I seem to be between major burns in the emotional incinerator of catharsis I have been experiencing lately, and that’s as close as I am likely to get to “happy” as I am likel to get while this whole thing goes on, so, yay, I guess.
I am sure I will be back to venting my spleen, my rage, and my despair soon.
Been pondering how I grew up feeling like a liability. (See?)
That is a hell of a trip to lay on a sad and broken little boy. I wonder if it would have made any difference if they had known about the rape?
Probably not. They would have just resented the fact that they technically had to care about me now. They would have gotten back to ignoring me and pretending I did not exist and never had eventually.
And I would have wholeheartedly aided and abetted them in that by constant minimizing myself, flinching away from all the attention, and saying it was no big deal.
A sad and broken child indeed.
I wish there had been someone to light a spark in me back then. Someone to ignite all that latent rage and activate the blazingly self-righteous crusader for justice that lay sleeping in that sad little kid.
As am I right now, I am quite capable of someone’s ass all over town if I feel I have been the victim of injustice.
But that’s recent. As in, I only got there in the last three or four years. As recently as 2016, I would probably just suck it up and get depressed about it.
Who knows, though. Maybe someone could have gotten through to me back then, in either a light mentor (“you deserve better!”) or dark mentor (“so what are you going to do about it?”) way.
Honestly, the dark mentor would probably have had a better chance of success. Get me pissed off enough and I am capable of anything.
Even standing up for myself. On a good day, anyhow.
And burning with a passion for justice would have been infinitely preferable to the cold and ignoble oblivion of my childhood. I know now that I could have turned my whole school district upside down with my very pointy criticism of their lack of protecting me from my bullies.
Because that shit is just plain not defensible.
“No, you see, we let the bullies hurt him because we’re too evil and apathetic to even imagine thinking the social pariah kid is worth literally any time or energy to protect. Besides, we think the little smartass piece of shit deserves it.”
Hmmm. That’s pretty damned good. Well done, me..
Now to wander back to Skyrim and a very hot Oblivion.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.