So that’s the status quo. i try to feel alive, but I can’t. My soul is full of filthy cold water and big chunks of jagged ice. I have a constant feeling of deep contamination.

My powers of concentration are shot, probably because I haven’t been getting enough deep sleep. And I can’t find my sleeping pills.

I feel the constant presence of the shadow of death.

It’s haunting me. Taunting me, Wanting me. Tempting me. Calling to me.

Telling me how it could all be…. over.

But this morning, my usual YouTube peregrinations led me to this video :

And while the video did not provide the miraculous wellspring of life affirming inspiration i had hoped for, it did make me realize one thing.

I have no reason to live.

All I have is reasons not to die, and that’s hardly the same thing.

I have lapsed back into simply never thinking about the future. It’s a cold gray blur to me right now. And that’s as it should be for now because my future doesn’t look so good and a cold gray blur is better than the soul-crashing despair hiding behind it.

I meant to type “soul-crushing” but you know what? I like it like that.

At a time like this, the very idea of finding an actual reason to live seems absurd. Laughable. Like someone in the ICU talking about taking on Everest.

When I try to imagine it, I hear this instead :

But if i am ever to reach the surface and feel the sun, i will have to unlearn unhealthy negative thought patterns and replace them with healthy positive ones, and at least trying to imagine a reason to live seems like a good start.

So okay, I am trying. But I ain’t getting anywhere.

Because what do I have to look forward to? That’s what a reason to live boils down to. What future event could inspire me to want to see the future?

I’m just going to get sicker and sicker. My life is going to get worse and worse. I am going to lose more and more of my faculties until I am a pathetic wreck in a hospital somewhere, barely able to sit upright, my brains scrambled beyond repair, my life one of terror and confusion and feebleness.

But hey, at least I’ll have all the Jello I can eat.

It’s not like my life is going to get any better. I am not going to suddenly have the energy and courage and wherewithal to go get myself a job. I’m not going to find a brand new hobby that I love so much i look forward to every day. The clouds are not going to suddenly part so that the man of my dreams can be delivered to me on a sunbeam.

My prospects are bleak. What could possibly change how I feel about that?

Hell if i know. I will try again after the break.

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The project continues

OK, this is what I have come up with so far.

One reason to live is to see what great media properties I may find. Every day contains the possibility that I might come across a great website, game, webcomic, video series, TV show, or line of obscene Hummels that will make me happy and thus make he glad I hung around to experience it.

A good game in particular can brighten my days as it gives me something to look forward to every day. I can wake up in the morning and say, “Hey! I get to play that awesome game again today!”.

So there’s that. Even when I am going through a dry spell in terms of media that makes me happy to get out of bed every day, I know that something will come along soon that brightens up my life.

It’s a small thing but it means a lot to me.

And there’s social time with my awesome friends. I always enjoy hanging out with my friends. They are great people and I love their company and their conversation.

And they accept and value me, despite what a hot mess I am, and that’s very important to me. I am not always the easiest person to be around, especially in my current state of degraded and degrading health, and so anyone who puts up with me and my utterly disgusting scalp condition is aces in my books.

Thank god I’m cute.

And then there’s my fuzzy friends, with whom I interact entirely via text (how oldschool!) but who in some ways are closer to me than anyone RL because that fictional fuzzy foxy named Fruvous is on some level more the “real me” than the real world version who is girded round with accidents of fate.

Accidents that do not reflect the inner me at all. Fruvous is the identity I made for myself. I built him from the inside out, and so in that fictional realm only, the outside matches the inside.

What you see is what I am. If you know how to look.

And in most way, Fruvous is my ideal. He’s the person I want to be – fur and tail optional. He’s the reason I know there is a happier, healthier, far more social version of me lurking in the shadows of my dark and twisted soul.

He’s cute, he’s charming, people adore him, and he gets lots of cuddles and petting. And he has access to a lot of hot dudes who may want to fuck him.

This is my desired lifestyle. Please make this happen.

In conclusion, while I might not have a huge neon sign flashing HOPE to guide me through the murky waters of an uncertain future, I at least have the good things in my life which I take for granted too often and which aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

And that’s something.

We’ll tackle the hope thing soon.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.