No, not this guy,
No, in this case, GINO stands for “garbage in, nothing out”.
In other words, I’ve come to the planet-crashing conclusion that the reason my room is always so cluttered and filthy is that stuff comes in but never leaves.
I have garbage cans but never use them because they are always full. That’s because I never empty the damned things.
Houston, I think we found the problem.
As to why I never empty them, well, that’s where things get murkier. There are a lot of equally true potential answers.
Like “it never occurs to me”. Technically true but kind of begs the question. Why not?
And it’s totally true anyhow. When I look at an overflowing garbage can, it does occur to me to empty it, but the jagoff part of my brain is so good at blocking such potentially productive thoughts that the thought never goes anywhere because it get strangled in its crib instead.
It’s a harsh image but I’m standing by it.
So the real enemy in this equation is that same old beast that is my anti-action bias. My will smothering superego. My inner prosecutor, hostile and corrupt.
And what powers it? Inwardly expressed anger.
It always comes back to that.
No matter which way I look at things, it always comes back to that Rage Silo of mine and its toxic contents and the paradox of my inability to deal with it.
I don’t want to keep drinking that same old bathwater but the alternative is to feed it to someone else and I don’t know how to do that.
Ethically, I mean. Pragmatically there are a million different ways to vent your anger on others and thus inject your venom into their bloodstream for their kidneys to handle instead of your own overtired system
But I can’t imagine actually doing it and being able to live with myself after.
What choice do I have, though? It’s the only way out. I certainly can’t go on stockpiling all this bile as it grows more and more concentrated and carcinogenic over time.
Sooner or later it’s going to melt the walls of the silo and God knows what will happen then. Presumably it will take my sanity with it.
So, says a part of me, what’s more important, maintaining my moral purity, or not ending up a fucking catatonic in a back ward somewhere?
With or without leaving a long trail of murder and destruction behind me first.
But it’s so hard to even imagine being able to spew all that emotional emesis into the world. I am not sure who I would even be without it.
Maybe Secular Jesus would finally take over and I would transcend the petty divisions and hostilities of this fractured world and become a being of pure holy benevolent love.
Or maybe I would just become really pretentious and dull. Who knows, really.
It’s clear that I need to work hard on dreaming up a new version of myself. One that can express anger in a sub-criminal way and get all these old ghosts out of my skull.
Maybe I need to learn to make very angry art.
So um… grr.
Needs work. More after the break.
Everything is falling
That’s how I am feeling right now. Like everything is very slowly falling and I am the only thing in the universe that is standing still.
Or, in a relativistic sense, I am slowly drifting upwards.
Either way, it sucks.
Must have fluid on my inner ear or something.
Still feeling quite sick. Still haven’t figured out my medical appointment situation.
Tomorrow is the 7th and that sounds… vaguely familiar. Which is why I have been dreading that date. Pretty sure I am supposed to see someone tomorrow.
I will find out when I get the angry phone call from some specialist’s secretary tomorrow.
Sorry, lady, but I clearly can’t handle jack shit right now. I can’t run my own life and there is nobody to run it for me, so I guess I will just have to get used to life stomping on my face constantly forever.
I suppose I deserve it.
At least I finally got my fancy new butt plug plugged in. Yes, now it can be revealed that I spent some of my Xmas Amazon.ca money on a high tech butt toy.
Namely, this bad boy :
There were two models with roughly the same features for roughly the same price, so I went with the one with the more amusingly stupid name.
I mean, Paloqueth? Teh fuck you say? Sounds like some extremely overwrought fantasy setting for a series of bad sword and sorcery novels.
With terrible writing, cardboard characters, and plenty of butt stuff.
Of particular attraction to me is that this model claims to be a “thrusting” vibrator. Those existed in 2019, the previous time I went looking for good vibes on Amazon, but that feature added at least $80 to the price so it was a no go.
This year, the marvelous machinations of global capitalism have democratized this feature and I got my artifact of the long lost land of Paloquent for around $40.
And needless to say, in the world of vibrating butt toys,being able to do the thrusting itself is what you might call a FEATURE.
Hell, if they make one that can cuddle me afterwards, I might not need a boyfriend at all.
I had a hard time getting the damned thing plugged into a USB port to charge it, though. The USB ports on this PC are too close together and it make insertion (!) tricky.
But it’s in there now, god damn it, so in an hour and a half, it’s party time.
No pressure, though. I will try it out when the energy is right.
Doing my best to maintain enthusiasm without it spilling over into anxiety.
Kind of a handy skill in all kinds of situations, some barely involving my anus at all!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.