Coming this fall! Macaulay Culkin is the founder of a gay bank in… Homo Loan!
Yeah it’s a dumb joke but I like it.
I’m in an odd emotional state at the moment. Sort of relaxed and happy, but also a little tense and tired.
And vaguely horny.
Which is about as horny as I ever get without additional stimulation. Long gone are the days when I had random power surges.
Can’t say I miss those random boners. Always a social handicap. But I do kind of miss the horniness I had when I was younger and not on antidepressants.
There is a primal heat to sexual excitement that my poor cold soul surely lacks.
As patient readers know, my sexuality is, to put it rather mildly, sluggish. My overall desire level is low and my sleeping dragon (how Tao) is hard to rouse. Even when I do get horny, the general flattening of emotional affect that comes with my Paxil makes it difficult to masturbate to completion.
And sadly, as a man, not “finishing” is extremely frustrating. I’d love to be Zen about it like a woman and accept whatever pleasure comes along, but as a man, when I can’t complete the journey it makes me wanna smash through a wall with my dick like some kind of priapic Kool-Aid man.
Take a few moments to let the power of my imagery settle over you. I can wait.
I remember the first time I got seriously boned up after starting on Paxil had made my libido vanish for three or four months.
I was ridiculously grateful. To whom, I cannot say. But it really felt like I had been given back something precious and wonderful.
Before that, I had told myself repeatedly that losing my libido was no big deal. After all, if you stop wanting something, then it’s no loss to stop getting it, right? So I no longer had any desire for sex. Big deal. One less thing to want and not get. Right?
Wrong, of course. That was total bullshit. Sour grapes completely. And I knew that the moment it returned.
Found a new game I like. It’s called Iris and the Giant.
It originally caught my eye because I was paging through the Humble Monthly games available to me and saw it supposedly had a 100 percent user rater on Steam.
Uh, sez what now? Is that even a thing?
Then I watched the trailer, and saw it was an arty game about a sad little girl, and I was like, “ehhhh….I dunno. ”
But then I saw the thing that changed everything : cards.
Sure enough, the description mentioned it being part CCG, and I was sold.
And I love it. The sad little girl stuff is okay. I certainly identify with her, although she at least has a father who is worried about her.
I was just as sad. But nobody was trying to penetrate my defenses.
Anyhow, it’s that golden miracle of the gaming world, the game that is very easy to learn and understand but complex enough to be interesting.
Easy to learn, hard to master. Perfect.
Gameplay is a little hard to describe. Basically you fight these grids of demons with cards that do things attack like all the demons in a row or column, or let you attack one whether it’s in the front row or not, and so on.
Running out of either life (Will) or cards spells doom, and once you play a card it’s gone, so a big part of the game is making sure you get more cards.
It’s loads of fun, and I love it.
More after the break.
On seeking challenge
I’ve been sort of halfways tiptoeing up to this subject for a week now which means it is high time to just face the goddamned thing.
The stuff I least want to talk about is always the stuff most worth talking about.
On with the show. Fact is, as much as I whine about a lack of challenge in my life, the truth is that this has always been something under my own control.
The more correct and accurate version of events is that I had very little challenge handed to me by the schools and my sad timid life.
There’s always been an infinite universe of challenge out there in the world waiting for me to go get it. With all the possibilities out there, surely there’s a level of challenge that would suit my needs.
But I would have to go find it. There’s no chance it will coming looking for me, and if it did, odds are I would hide till it went away.
And this is where my lack of character comes in. Because I have been too timid and weak and limp to go out and look for challenge. I might talk the talk about wanting to pick a fight with the world but I would never walk the walk by actually doing it.
Hence my recent remark about lacking the character to deliberately make things harder for myself. To pick the path of greater resistance. To do more than the absolute minimum I can get away with.
To swim uphill for once in my goddamned life.
To do those sort of things takes backbone. Grit. Toughness. Intestinal fortitude. Call it what you will. It’s like having some kind of core of resistance to use as the base of all your efforts to fight back against the world and forge your own destiny and do all those ruggedly individualistic things I have always dreamt of but never had.
I think at the core, such a baseplate consists of pure irrational inflexible raging id. A primal “fuck you” to the world that is fulcrum that decides when you pivot from flight to fight and throw yourself upon that which opposes your will like a thing possessed.
I’ve chosen to stay soft and squishy and gooey. I lack this solid backplate to use as an anchor point for pushing back at the world. I have instead chosen to hide out of both fear and a misguided association between flexibility and safety.
It doesn’t really matter if I can assume any form I need in response to a challenge if all of those forms are going to lack structural integrity and fall apart the moment the emotion driving them fades.
Or worse, squish like Jello under the fist of God when actually put to the test.
So it comes to this : I am going to have to develop some solid, immutable, permanent ground within myself if I am ever to become strong.
And that means making a permanent commitment of resources. Resources that can’t be turned into whatever I feel I need at the moment. Resources that stay the same.
And that scares the ever lovin’ bejeesus out of me.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.