Warning, this is going to be one of those posts where I rant like a megalomaniac a bit.
Been watching (well, listening to) the following vid :
For those of you who aren’t in the mood for a long vid, it’s about various ways to exact justice on rude customers without violating store policy.
And that is so my kind of thing. Making the bastards pay while seeming completely innocent and sweet is like a drug to me. I would work pretty hard just to get the opportunity to do this.
So we’re already in the um…. creepier part of my personality.
Well, in for a penny, in for a pounding. The thing is, not only would I thoroughly enjoy hurting bad people, I would be very, very good at it.
Too good at it, actually. Here comes the crazy bit folks.
See, I know, without a doubt, that I could manipulate the average person in such a way to cause them immense cognitive and emotional pain without them having any idea what I am doing to them or why this sweet, friendly, patient, helpful fellow is causing them such fear and confusion.
This is what happens when you are smart (and fucked up) enough to act on others at such a remove that it doesn’t seem like you’re doing anything at all.
This is the true horror of superior intelligence. It’s what makes people like me potentially very scary despite being a super nice person 99.9 percent of the time.
Certain kinds of power generate fear no matter how trustworthy the person with such power might be.
Certain kinds of power you cannot afford to trust.
And there’s all kinds of things I could do to mess with someone’s head without people even knowing what I am doing. I could introduce odd little pauses and stutters into my speech that go by too fast to notice yet build a subconscious “uncanny valley”. I could phrase things in such a way that they could be interpreted as insulting but also be defended as being completely innocent. I could stare into their eyes just a little bit too intensely so that it looks like I am listening politely but sets of their “predator stare” fear/anger responses off and goads them into attacking me “unprovoked”.
And those are just the first three things off the top of my head.
I can do some truly terrible things to people and get away with it. And I can neither fully condemn or fully embrace that part of myself.
The chilly predator. The heartless killer. King Lizard in all his rippling reptile glory.
He is repulsively inhuman and obscenely ruthless and true maniacal madness is at the controls when he rises from his slumber.
But so help me God, I also love him, because he is my power. My protector. My dark guardian ready to rise and destroy and devour my enemies if they choose to oppose me or threaten those I love.
His deadliness is my defense. Stroking his scales like I am doing tonight makes me feel safer. Knowing I have such immense and fatal power at my command makes me feel a lot less abandoned and vulnerable in the world.
So as awful as he is, I can never rid myself of him.
Because god damn it, I need him.
More after the break.
Paying the piper
I’ve been catching up on sleep today.
Which means I have been pretty miserable, over all.
That’s how it goes in my personal reality. When I have been getting too little decent sleep. that ol’ bastard sleep debt starts to accrue, and eventually will become a strong enough force to overcome whatever is keeping me awake and/or from getting enough quality REM sleep.
As patient readers know, lately that has been my freaking overactive bladder. Can’t go more than an hour, tops, without having to empty a very full bladder and jumping Jesus on a pogo stick am I sick of it.
Whatever happened to just needing a wicked piss when you wake up? Oh right, that was before I had a huge rock in my bladder, taking up valuable pee storage space.
Well today was the day the dam broke and my body and brain left me very little choice but to sleep for most of the day.
It was a little tricky to make sure I ate my meals between the naps, to be honest.
Now when the sleep dam brakes, it is a good thing… eventually.
But in the short term it suuuuucks, because the sleep I get at that point is not the happy calm relaxing fluffy sheep in green meadows kind of sleep.
No, this is the brutal, intense, punishing kind of sleep when your brain has a huuuuge backlog of REM sleep (aka dreaming) to catch up on as quickly as possible and to hell with your comfort or pleasure.
So those times when I am awake between those binge-naps are quite unpleasant. I feel like I have been running a marathon underwater. Like I am recovering from being squished flat as a piece of paper. Like I just came out of a coma.
Which I suppose I did, in a sense.
I always wonder if this is what it’s like when a mystic visionary comes out of their trance when they are having a vision. It certainly leaves me drained and weak and confused.
Anyhow, luckily, I have learned to feel the presence of the mental tension that leads to this overcharging of the brain and I can feel it getting smaller with each nap.
That’s way better than when I had no idea when this shit would stop and hence start getting REALLY freaked out.
So, bring on the napping. It sucks while it’s happening but I will feel so much better when I am done.
Then I guess this bullshit will start all over again.
Oh happy day.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.