Okay, so maybe “hate” is too strong a term, but I don’t have a song references for “I Mildly Resent This Partially Cloudy Saturday In Which I Feel Rather Cranky”.

Would be kind of hard to make that scan anyhow.

So yeah, I feel sort of pissed off and out of sorts at the moment.

Tried to masturbate but didn’t get anywhere, which does not help. God dammit.

I miss being able to get off whenever I wanted, more or less. I miss the animal warmth of innocent lust. I miss the excitement of sex, and the intimacy.

And the fun. Sex is like the best game ever, even when it’s only solitaire.

Trying to work through all the freaking out about the fact that they are going to scoop out part of my eyeball on Monday beforehand so I can be super chill on the day.

If only I did not have to be awake for it. They can do whatever the hell they want to me if I don’t have to be there when it happens, so to speak.

But no, I have to let them strap me into place then stay awake while they freeze my eye and then take the cataract(s) out and put an artificial lens in there.

According to Joe, they will shine a light into my eye so that I do not actually see the scalpel coming, and that is a huge relief.

I mean, having to sit still while a scalpel approaches one’s tender eyeball is alien nightmare level scary.

And I have had a small taste of what’s to come when Doctor Faezi put freezing in my eye and then gave me my first intra-ocular injection.

It was some stuff to reduce swelling in my retinas. And I barely felt it. So I am glad to know that it is, indeed, possible to totally numb the eye.

Of course, that took eye drops, which are annoying. But better than the alternative.

Speaking of eye drops, someone from Doctor Faezi’s office was supposed to have called me and told me it was time to get the prescription they gave me filled so I can start the eyedrops that will prep me for the operation by now.

So I am freaking out over that. I figure I am going to call the office and ask them whether I should do it. But it’s Saturday and they might not be open so I might have nobody to ask.

And the thing is, they called me yesterday to tell me the details of when and where my operation would take place. Maybe that’s when they were supposed to tell me but they forgot. I don’t know.

So that’s wearing on my nerves. I would hate to show up for my operation and find out that because I didn’t do the drops, they can’t operate.

So I may have to self-initiate.

Which is not my strong suit.

But I want to get my eyeball fixed, god damn it!

More after the break.

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Not this again

God damn it, I am all sleepy again.

Apparently when I took a nap this afternoon, I accidentally drilled into a large deposit of sleepiness and now have to wait for it to clear out.

Oh well, At least it’s the pleasant, relaxed kind of sleepiness and not the smothering sleepiness that makes me all dizzy and dopey and miserable.

So I will likely be sleeping a lot in the near future. Yay.

Ended up having chili and garlic toast for dinner because I got too hungry to wait for anything to be delivered.

In sober afterthought, I could have ordered in then had a snack, but hunger has a way of making people irrational and I was very very hungry.

And all because I didn’t eat my usual batch of popcorn plus trail mix last night. I ate the rest of the stuff I normally have – veggies, a piece of fruit, cookies. But I was feeling too sick for the whole popcorn thang, and as a result, I have been getting super hungry in the last hour before mealtimes.

It’s rather frustrating. I didn’t even skip an entire meal – just half of one. And yet my body is acting like I just ended a hunger strike.

Apparently I’ve been on a super strict schedule with no room for deviation without knowing it. Finding out is kind of a pain.

If this persists, I will have to plan an extra large meal to compensate. I am thinking it will probably be pizza, as that’s something where I always get more than one meal’s worth of food and thus scaling up the meal is a cinch.

I really hope it goes away on its own, though. Not likely, but it would be nice.

Pondering ponying up for a FreeStyle Libre, that glucose monitoring system that does not require me to lance the densest nerve clusters on the human body to work.

That’s the fingertips. Point is, glucose ,monitoring with no finger poking. No poking at all. A sensor is implanted and is read by the monitor via Bluetooth.

It can only give a reading every 5 minutes, but blood sugar doesn’t change all THAT much in five minutes, so I can live with that.

And it sure as hell would improve my health. Right now, my inability to make myself start lancing my fingertips again is the major barrier to my controlling my diabetes.

Without being able to test, I am reluctant to take insulin. Without insulin, I am most likely rocking a crazy high glucose level that is shredding my organs as we speak.

Honestly, if I could get my diabetes and sleep apnea under control, my life would be a zillion times better and I would not give the tiniest of fucks about my other issues.

Dunno how they would fix my sleep apnea. I would love to make peace with CPAP but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards right now.

Honestly, the biggest overall issue is how hard it is for me to stay focused on the immediate reality of my existence and take care of my own well being instead of spending all my time in the theme park of my mind.

Oh well, Time for more sleep.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.