Small, but meaningful.

Feeling a bit better today. Call it an upgrade from “overcast” to “partly cloudy”. I am still in a fairly shitty mood but there’s some sunshine and positivity in there too.

Summer is breaking across the land like a new dawn. It’s pleasantly sunny out, and I can hear lawn mowers at work. I can also hear some kids playing in the distance, which is a particularly welcome sound after such an insular year.

So that’s a cheerful thing. I cherish this time of the year because it’s sunny but not super hot yet, so it’s the only time I can truly enjoy summer without reservation.

Who knows, maybe I will even go outside on my own one of these days.

No promises, though, They are ultimately counterproductive,

Been giving a lot of thought to becoming a YouTube star^[1]. My highly enriched YouTube diet is increasingly dominated by single creator content and I can’t help but notice how what they do is entirely within my skill set and how to be honest, I could probably be a lot more funny and interesting than most of them.

And more controversial, given some of my opinions. Hey, love me or hate me, I don’t care, just as long as you watch me.

For a while I was dicking around about the subject because I couldn’t decide on a format or topic for a vlog of mine.

But you know what? I don’t need one. I’m the format. It’s all about me. My views, my style, my persona. my outrageous personality, my smartass attitude, and of course, my unbelievable and myriad talents.

Fuck formats, fuck topics. If I wait around trying to choose one of the sea of options out there, I will never get anywhere.

The only way this is going to work is if I jump in without looking and figure out what the fuck I am doing by doing it a bunch.

Kinda like this blog, really.

I have also been dicking around because I can’t find my webcam right now. But today I realized I don’t need it. My high quality (for the price) microphone is right here and works just fine, so I can record voiceover no problem, and use things like on screen text, pics, video clips, and so on to cover the video portion of the vlog.

Yeah that’s a lot of annoying work, but that too is a plus because it will encourage me to be succinct and get straight to the point,

After all, the shorter the voiceover, the fewer images I have to find or generate, right?

And I think I have what it takes to “make it”. I have personality, charisma, intellect, and a lot of interesting things to say.

Plus I am quite fearless and not afraid to speak my mind directly, which admittedly does not seem to be the average YouTuber’s approach but I am not in the game to be popular, I am in the game to be amazing, and if I have a brand one day my speaking unvarnished truth will be a big part of it.

There’s a lot of foggy thinking and unaddressed bullshit in the world that desperately needs my loving sarcasm and incisive wit to counterbalance it.

So who knows. Maybe some time soon, I will start making YouTube content again.

I could have a lot of fun getting into the good kind of trouble.

The bad kind could be a lot of fun too, but I will try to stay nice.

Then again, I have always wanted to be a figure of controversy….

Let me put it like this. I won’t even say something I do not mean. The sincerity of my convictions will never be in doubt.

My sanity, on the other hand…

More after the break.

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Sloth over gluttony

Forgive me if I already talked about this.

But lately, about a half hour before when I am planning to eat, I end up getting really, really sleepy instead,

So sleepy that I more or less don’t have a choice about whether or not to take a nap. So I end up sleeping for an hour to an hour and a half, making me late for my meal.

This throws off the timing of my day, meaning that either the next meal will be either be “early” in that it will be at its usual time but with less time elapsed since the previous meal than usual or “late” in that the time elapsed will be the same but the actual meal time will be late.

I honestly don’t know which is worse. “Late” just pushes the problem into the future. “Early” at least solves the problem, albeit via brute force.

What I really hate about this new wrinkle is that it robs me of my sense of control over these things, and seeing as I don’t have much control to start with, losing any of it is a loss I really feel.

Actually, it’s not so much control but the will to control I lack, but that is a topic to be discussed when I am less filled with disgust at my stupid life.

Yeah, still not in the best of moods. Still feeling tense and restless. I am hoping that I can let this feeling build until it gives me the energy and will to evolve to the next level of this sad little existence of mine.

I know the next step : become a YouTuber. Make stuff that is more compelling than this wall of text I produce every day and that I will put somewhere the general public might actually see it.

What I need is to find the courage to actually take that step and exit my cloistered realm and step out into the big bad world, even if it’s only via making videos.

Careful of that first step. It’s a lulu.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

[[1] Or “YouTuber”, as they are called, which sounds to me like an insult hurled at a potato. “You tuber, you!” [[1]]