And quite frankly, I resent that. Stop it.
Well this ought to be fun. Had my second eye surgery this morning and I am really paying the penalty for not taking care of the left one properly because now both eyes are fucked up and I can barely see at all.
So forgive me for any extra typoes and such, because I can barely see what I am typing. I assume that I am making words happen but it’s possible I am merely smashing the keyboard with my forehead and in heavy denial about it.
Ot’s really kind of freaky. When I manage to focus on the words, the letters are all bent and distorted, were printed on very wavy paper and ended up printed uphill.
Trippy, but irritating
Makes playing bideo games tricky too. Makes me wishI had something really abstract, with big colorful geometrical shapes and high contrast HD to play.
So vbaically, a kid’s game. For toddlers.
I haven’t tries reading from a physuiical bok yet. That might be just as tricky. And reading and playing vifeo games are my two main preoccuptions.
Wothout those, all I have left is sleeping, eating, and playing on my synth.
I suppose I could also watch YouTube videos, or rather listen to them, which is normally all I do with them anyhow.
Listening to a good video while playing a good video game is how I achieve “flow”..m that Zen-like state of mind where your mind is fully and comfortably occupied and there is no room for self-consciousness or any other form of corrupted metacognition left.
By this point,I should have had one good eye – my left – to compensate for the debilitation of my right, but nooooo. I had to decide that I only needed to take the eye drops for 10 days and thus coompletely fuck up the left eye’s recovery.
And now I can’t see. It’s so fun to be me,
At least I will be seeing Vaezi on Wednesday morning, and I can bring iy up then. He said before that if the drops didn’t fix the swelling in my left eye that he cvould give said eye a shot of something that should calm it right down,
Damn I hope that works, This barely being legally a sighted person is really a drag. And it would be very very damaging to my psyche and my self-esteem if it turned out that I fucked up my eye care routine so badly that it could not be fixed.
So hopefully that shot in the eye will do the trick. And you better believe that I will be putting the drops to my right eye with great fervor and regularity.
I need at least one fully functional eyeball, god damn it. Otherwise, how am I supposed to mainyain the indolent lifestyle to which I have become accustomed?
You can’t play video games via Braille!
I mean, if this shit keeps up., I might have to actually go out and get a life or something.
And we can’t have that, can we?
More after the break.
How to stop not doing things
This one’s been on the back burner for a long time.
Let’s get it done before it burns.
So let’s talk aversion formation .Because migosh am I good at it.
And as I have said before when I discussed this topic, once I form an aversion so some thing or activity, it rapidly coagulates until before long it is set in cold hard stone and very difficult for me to overcome, especially if I only have my own internal motivations to use as fuel for the engine.
Because my internal motivations suck.
Hence why I have such a hard time looking after myself. It’s like onceI decided not to do something, even only once, the fix is in and I will find it harder and harder to do said thing every tim eI try until it’s pretty much locked behind an impenetrable barrier and I can no longer even get close to it.
And the sick part is, part of me really likes this rapid aversion formation because it limits the number of possibilities I have to face in my state of ieternal indecision. With every rerestriction implemented, this side of me coos with satisfaction at the reduction in stress and chaos that results.
Truth be told, this part of me seeks the freedom oif the slave : freedom from all responsibility. No more having to figure out what to do with yourself. It’s simple : do what your master says. All those maddening doors in their infinite hallway ae gone. Life becomes extremely and blissfully simple.
Hence my hospitalization fantasies. Tha would be even better than slavery because you don’t have to do any work and people are professionallu making you comfortable and looking after your needs.
Ur’s oral retentive nircana.
How very pathetic, says the part of me that is sane and healthy.. The part that wants to grow and thrive and be healthy and happy and strong. The side that wants to be proud of and pleased with myself, not merely content to waste away somewhere.
Which is, quite frankly what I have done with my entire adult life/. ust wasted away wherever I was, letting the days go by, doing nothing with my life except keeping myself entertained, which is all I know how to do.
I am not saying I necessarily had a choice in the matter. Mental illness is a bitch, avoidant personality syndrome doubly so. I have been so weak, so fundamentally deprived of the vital energies of the id, that it’s a miracle that I have made it so far.
But I want – and need – so evolve. This form is all used up. I need to surrender all form so that I can be cast anew. Take on a new shape, stronger and surer and devoid of all that rust dust and crust that had formed on the previous form.
And this transformation is coming. Of this, I am sure. The energies gather day by day, and while I can’s say when it will happen, I know that it will.
This train is finally going to make it to the station.
And who knows where it will end up then?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.