So I have not been feeling so good lately.
Emotionally, I mean. Physically, I am about as disease ridden as ever. My vision is a little better than it was yesterday, and Doctor Vaezi seemed very pleased with his work during my appointment with him this morning. So that’s cool.
But I am not feeling so great emotionally speaking. The warning signs are all there. I don’t want to get out of bed any more and only do so when I can’t stand laying there for one more second. I wish I could just stay asleep all the time so I did not have to face the world any more. The hours I will spend awake in a day seem like a heavy burden that I dread having to face.
I feel restless and tense and irritable, like a wild predator in too small a cage. I want to break the hell out of this goddamned cell but I don’t have the power yet.
It’s going to take a hell of a lot of energy to overcome my own structure and my own hesitancy and cowardice and above all my spoiled and untrustworthy “reason”.
And I can feel that energy building within me. I am confident that some time soon, it will overcome all resistance and bring me to the point of transcendence. I know that I can overcome what I have been in order to become what I need to be.
But the process is really gonna suck.
I suppose that comes as no surprise. Rebirth is just as painful and messy as birth, after all. True transcendence happens in blood and fire, not lotus petals and universal harmony and all that crap.
At least, that’s how it works for me. That’s how it works when you are too stable for your own good and therefore it takes a great deal of raw id energy to overcome all that self-stabilizing insanity and safety systems gone berserk.
Thank goodness I have finally progressed to the point that I fully recognize and accept that the only way out of this trap is to embrace the chaos. To pull the pin on the grenade and swallow it. Ka boom, all that rotten timber and all those rusted supports gone in a white hot flash of instant renewal.
For year, I’ve been saying that there is nothing in me worth keeping if it gets in the way of my happiness. Nothing is sacred, everything must go.
Time to finally put that idea into action.
Getting there is going to hurt, though. This hot, restless wind inside me is going to get a lot hotter and more maddening before things get better.
I might end up howling at the goddamned moon and pissing on trees yet.
I seriously have the urge to just go prowl the streets right now. I want to see prey – of the strictly sexual kind, of course.
After all, I am only a sexual predator.
What can I say, playing furry dating sim Amorous has stirred some long dormant instincts in me and made me realize that I, too. would like to go to bars and charm dudes into bed with me.
Sounds like a lot of fun, actually.
Maybe I really am growing up.
More after the break.
Time is eternal
KLF knows the score!
What I mean by “time is eternal” is that it is impossible for the human mind to actually imagine time beginning or ending.
Take the Big Bang. That was the start of everything, including time, right?
Wrong. What happened before that? What exploded? Why the hell did it explode? How could something that should have been completely stable (inasmuch as we can imagine it at all) develop an asymmetry that led to an instability that exploded?
And how long was it stable before it went kablooey? And where did IT come from? And where did THAT thing/force/entity/cheese wheel come from? And so on and so on for all of infinity and beyond.
Same for the other end of time. No matter whether you think we will die in fire (everything coming back together to merge and maybe explode again) or in ice (everything getting so far apart that nothing interacts any more and all the stars die), smartasses like me can always say, “And then what happened? ”
To me, this is ludicrously obvious, which is why I am philosopher and not a scientist.
The same goes for space. And matter. There is no way to logically conceive of the universe having an outer limit (or a twilight zone). No matter how far you go, smartasses like me can say “Well then what’s over there? What happens if we keep going in this direction? What is space supposedly expanding into?”
And there is no reason why there can’t be infinite matter in this infinite space as well. All we have now is a limit to how much matter we can detect.
To imagine that this is therefore all the matter that exists is as foolish as thinking the ocean is tiny just because you can see an island in a bay.
So we live in an infinite universe filled with infinite matter and it has infinite time to combine, interact, and evolve.
This means Nietzsche’s eternal recurrence is still very much in play. It states that everything that happens will happen against an infinite number of times because no matter how improbable something is, with infinite rolls of infinite dice, it is inevitable.
Not bad as far as it goes, but it doesn’t go far enough. What Nietzsche failed to see was that with infinite rolls of infinite dice, not only is every single possible thing destined to happen an infinite number of times in the future, it has also happened an infinite number of times in the past AND is happening an infinite number of times all the time.
Remember, all the dice are rolling all the time and there is an infinite number of them. Ergo all combinations are coming up all the time.
Or did I just blow your mind?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.