Clearly, my war with my blood sugar has to escalate.
It’s still very high. This despite my intermittent use of insulin. Preliminary results would seem to indicate that insulin’s effect on my sugar score is a lot less than dramatic.
This is, in retrospect, unsurprising. Devastating and depressing, but unsurprising.
Because the whole deal with Type 2 diabetes (aka Fatty Diabetes) is that your crappy diet caused you to produce so much insulin that you became resistant to it like you would a medication or recreational drug you took that long.
If anyone ever finds a cure for drug resistance, they will save a billion lives.
Anyhow, the whole disease is based around insulin resistance, so duh, guess what, I am resisting insulin.
This is a serious bummer. I guess I thought that insulin would miraculously put everything right and everything would be peachy keen from now on.
It’s the hope that kills you.
But no, clearly insulin and meds are not going to be enough to tame the beast, and so I am going to have to exercise the nuclear option, and actually…. exercise.
I knew one day it would come to this. And yet, I am still not ready.
Seriously, though, I knew my sedentary lifestyle would catch up to me eventually. And the hilarious thing is that the longer you avoid exercise, the more it will hurt when you finally have no choice but to get around to it.
Ha ha ha.
I am going to have to resist my natural exuberance and go into it carefully, though, because I am a lot more frail now and can’t just jump into things any more.
But it has to happen. I am pissed off now. That blood sugar has to go down.
This time, it’s personal.
And quite honestly, exercise would probably do wonders for my mental health too. And I honestly don’t have some kind of deep philosophical objection to exercise.
It’s just my video game addiction telling me that I will just die if I try to do something that takes me away from my precious, precious games.
But it’s not like I would be bored. The age of exercise being boring died with the advent of podcasts and listenable YouTube videos. I can just put on an episode of Vsauce or Todd In The Shadows or whatever and do my exercises.
It’s still gonna hurt, but I would rather be in pain that bored any day.
Pain is bullshit anyhow. Big fucking deal. Fear of pain has caused me galaxies more pain than physical pain ever did.
Not sure what exercises I will do. Right now, all I have in my bag o’ tricks is my standard vertical pushups (pushouts?) and pacing, and I don’t really like pacing.
I find it frustrating to have to turn around every five paces or so. Tends to wind me up as much as it cools me down, if not more.
But there’s plenty of other ways to exercise indoors. Heck, I can even do some while lying in bed. Lifting/bending limbs, stretches, air bicycling, range of motion exercises, and so on.
I’m a creative and intelligent person, I am sure I can work something out.
Well, that’s the blood sugar. Sex and magick will have to wait.
More after the break.
Sex and magick
See, the K at the end makes it extra magickal.
Sex : I completed the plot with my girlfriend Sky, the grey (as it turns out) fox, in Amorous, the furry dating sim, yesterday.
This being a FURRY dating sim, the plotline ended with us fucking, of course. But the lead up to that was amazing, with her being all vulnerable and insecure and my being, of course, supportive and awesome and loving, and my falling in love with her even harder, and us getting frisky in the shower before ending up in her bed, and us having deep meaningful pillow talk before getting it on.
The sex was good too. I’m not one of those fags who pretends to be allergic to vaginas or anything. She’s even cuter naked, and we had lovely passionate vanilla straight penis in vagina sex.
It didn’t turn me on but it was very nice nevertheless.
Surprisingly, the game then ended. Roll credits. I guess that’s what makes it a dating sim and not a relationship sim.
Of course, if this was real life, I would be in so much trouble because I am way more into my kitty Seth and yet I just sweet talked my way into doing everything to convince Skye I was in love with her and she knows nothing of Seth.
Lesson learned. I know how I got into this situation : I can’t resist saying what will make people happy. Being sweet and loving to her made her so happy and I became addicted to that. Seeing her blossom under the sun lamp of my attention was deeply joyous. And to change course would have meant saying something to hurt her, and I couldn’t do that. Not to someone as sweet and nerdy and adorable as her.
Call it the Selfish Empath Trap. I loved the amazingly delightful vibes I was getting from her and did not want to interrupt them by making her sad, so instead, I led her on in a way that in the real world would be absolutely unconscionable.
So, new rule : no leading people on if I am not that interested in them. It’s selfish and destructive and I am glad I had the chance to learn this without anybody actually getting hurt in the real world.
Sorry, Skye. I really do love you. But my heart (etc) belongs to my Seth kitty.
As for magic(k), for some reason I have found myself thinking of myself as a magician again lately. Both kinds – the real kind like Gandalf, and the stage kind like Chris Angel.
For my purposes, they amount to the same thing. They are both people who can do tricks to amaze and astound people but who might have a hard time just being human.
It’s so much easier to use one’s powers of illusion to generate dazzling displays of enchantment and wonder for you to hide behind.
And it’s not entirely false. That would make it too easy to dismiss. There is a lot of me in the mask I wear. Ergo it is almost impossible to tell where the mask ends and I begin.
So I choose not to do so. Any of my masks are as much a part of me as anything else, and reflect the fact that I am a very complex individual who has yet to find the one mask that can always help me express how I feel.
Because that’s all they are, really. Ways for me to express various aspects of myself.
Maybe one day, I will perform my greatest act of synthesis of all time, and find a way to bring them all together into a single, unified persona.
Until then, well, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
He’s not the real me either.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.